The Mockingjay and the Chameleon
by Howlynn
Summary: Gale is blown and Peeta is toast.There is only one person who can fix the little mockingjays broken wings.Haymitch is really a bit of a Chameleon.Love can be found in many forms. Split chapter edit, new version with extra chapters! Read This again!
1. Chapter 1

**Author**: **Howlynn**  
><strong>Realm<strong>: _The Hunger Games_, Suzanne Collins  
><strong>Story Title<strong>: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon  
><strong>Summary<strong>: Katniss feels guilty and sad, then makes a plan.  
><strong>CharacterRelationships**: Katniss and gale/Haymitch/peeta/finn , lots of other of camera pairings

I** Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Author notes:** **This is my AU with canon nod fan-fiction version of what happened from the time Peeta returned until way past MJ - This is total fan fiction involving romance between Katniss and Haymitch. She also has time with Gale, Finnick and even Peeta but you will have to decide if it's too naughty that this character may not go the traditional way. I own none of these characters and I don't profit from any of this. I have stuck to cannon to some extent – but those who live and die are up to my whims. Thanks for your reviews**

**Please see end notes on premises of this pairing – Haymitch is 24 years older than Katniss. Within the boundary of love – I do not find this pairing offensive but please note the rating of M for mature themes.**

**Warning:**_ may contain any of the following ingredients –(sex, ugly people, mean people, people who have functioning body parts, language. Spoilers, Sexual discussion, ghosts, Malice, reference to past violence,current violence, inappropriate persuasion, suicide, war, death, blood, guts, drinking, eating, hunting, guns, bows, explosions, murder, battle, harassment, fist fights, sadness, dead characters being discussed, alcohol use, caffeine use, unintended exhibitionism, disfigurement, pain, hate, Avarice, sloth, naked people, medical procedure torture, reference to possible non-consent and prostitution No, nothing like my normal menu! Oh wait - better include age warning and lemon warning and this is a mary-sue free zone, so please, please be warned that if you like to be offended easily, this is your ticket to happy land. If you have any allergies to these subjects, please take appropriate measures for your maturity level. Side effects may include but not be limited to: searching for the hottie parts, watering of the eyes, grouchiness, eye strain from trying to read between the lines and unwanted oral or nasal leakage._

_For those of you on updates I am finally splitting the chapters -you may enjoy reading anyway beings there is more adventure not included in the first version. Now, the bonus materials will be my next project but will now be Part of book Two rather than tag alongs for this book. Look for - The Mockingjay and the Albatross - for the continued story._

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><p><strong>The Mockingjay and the Chameleon<strong>

Chapter 1 – begins after Peeta was rescued and attacked Katniss - assume canon to here.

I hover at the window, the cold collar on my neck, watching him scream. Swallowing hurts and it isn't just the injury of my body. My heart has taken control of my ability to make the movement in my throat. My Peeta tried to murder me. He attacked me. The placid blue eyes have transformed into a pool of churning vipers and the stony guilt I feel for his madness is dragging my life to the bottom.

Haymitch slips his arm around me and I allow him to comfort me in one of his few moments of pure kindness. I feel him kiss the top of my head and he whispers words I can't understand, but I do absorb the tone of compassion in his voice. I turn to him and bury my face in his shoulder. Silently, I sob in the safety of his arms. I feel him tremble too and I know it's not his need for drink that causes his shudder. He is in shock too. Peeta wants me dead and his actions are beyond anything either of us can understand.

This is not the happy reunion I imagined. This is no reunion at all, but a gravesite with a still beating heart. That is not Peeta. Those blue eyes are missing all that filled them when he gave me the pearl. It is in my pocket and I squeeze it between my fingers, holding on to hope of about the same dimension as the tiny gem.

The doctors, with stoic faces and detached words, give us careful explanation. Tracker Jacker venom has turned the boy I love into a monster. What came back from the capitol, what Gale risked his life to rescue, is just another monster the capitol has built to kill me. There is no glimmer of the boy with the bread in that tortured form now.

I have finally killed Peeta. I wish I could blame Haymitch. I did at first, but the truth is that if I had not hidden from him and Finnick, if I had stayed with them as I promised I would, he would have been picked up with me. While Haymitch struggled to save me, the capitol hovercraft had swiped him. My fault, not Haymitch's. If we had been told? But, they didn't expect to really get any of us and Haymitch didn't have the heart to survive watching us tortured. If we did die, he had his own terrible plans.

When they couldn't get me to respond, I suspect his complete absence from my room, had a much darker reason, besides he was being forced to stop drinking. For one thing, he hasn't stopped drinking, and for another, my mother inadvertently mentioned an accident. He refuses to give me any explanation, but when I asked Gale, his shrug and perfectly blank face didn't hide the revolting truth.

I look in his gray eyes and wonder if he will leave me, now that Peeta is gone. He always loved Peeta more and now the breathing corpse of our mutually beloved baker sings my guilt with each howl. This is all they allowed me to have. Peeta doesn't exist now and I am expected to carry on with that knowledge. What did they have to do to him to make everything about him disappear?

Plutarch Heavensbee, seems frustrated by our lack of joy. "He is alive at least. They intend to execute his stylists tonight. I can't even find Effie Trinket. God only knows if she-"

Haymitch is jolted at this news and he herds Plutarch away, wanting to save me from the details. I was sure once, when he'd warned District 13 of the attack, that I had just witnessed his death. Splattered blood and the loud noise, that I been sure was a shot, before the broadcast ended. Was that warning my last glimpse of him? Did my heart tell me the truth at that moment? What struggled on the other side of the safety glass?

The door opens with the reverent silence of an undertaker. Haymitch looks like he could almost cry. I pretend not to notice. "It's not him sweetheart. You know it isn't his fault," Haymitch whispers to me.

"No. It's mine. I did this." There was never going to be a way to pay off this debt. My stupidity had cost him his entire family and now his sanity. I wondered if he knew he was the only remaining Mellark before he went insane or did he have that discovery waiting to pounce on his mind should it struggle to surface.

"No, they did it. You didn't. Don't take that path. He will need you if he has any hope. Don't abandon him. Don't believe that in there, is all there is or you're dooming him to that very thing. You have to stop being the girl who has to be saved. He needs saving this time and I am pretty sure only you can." Haymitch speaks more than I have ever heard him say at once. He is almost human to me at that moment, his face open and no cruel barbs sent in my direction. It is a little nice of him to not be mean to me at this moment. I expected his cutting tongue to butcher me one word at a time, but he has no malice in his expression.

"I don't know if we can ever save him this time." I say turning back to the window watching the Mutation struggle through the thick glass that is between us.

"Come to my room, we both could use a drink." He offers.

I nod and look around at him, wishing he would stay, but incapable of asking him to favor me with more sympathy. "I am going to watch a while. I will be there later." I sigh and turn back to the window, glad I can't hear the screaming on the other side of the glass. "How is Johanna?"

"Not well. Not as bad as this mentally, but physically, she isn't much better off than he is. Annie seems to have been the least affected. It is hard to tell much with her. Finn is almost with us again. Being a mother hen suits him." Haymitch shoves his hands in his pockets, chews his lip and I know he is evaluating me.

I nod, but can't even form a bedraggled politeness for him to deliver to the others.

Peeta is highly sedated, more will kill him but he writhes and twists in his constraints. He screams. He mouths obscenities and the only thing I can make out is my name. I know what his lips look like when they make that sound and he is saying it now. He's calling me. But, it's not because he wants to see me. He calls because his mission has failed and they have made that knowledge so painful, not even morfling can ease his torture.

"You are not helping him by seeing this, Katniss," Haymitch says as he opens the door.

"He is living it, Haymitch. I am just standing here. I can't let him face it alone. He's gone. I get it, but if any of him exists, maybe he will know."

"A broken Mockingjay can't help him or anyone. I'm going to sit with Jojo for a bit, and then we should talk a little, if you can." His chin tucks to his chest and his eyes give me that obey-your-mentor look.

I nod, but I don't care. When Haymitch leaves, I bring up the sound a bit. The funny thing is, what Peeta says about me is so close to true; I can only hold myself and stare in horror. I have used him. I have been cruel. He loved me and I took it for granted and I left him to the capitol without even trying to help him. I gave him nothing but a garden of roses and this is what I deserve. Not my poor sweet Peeta. It should have been me. I wish it had been me.

Three hours later, I do arrive at Haymitch's door, stuck in some Katniss on auto-pilot trance. He opens it only after I desperately tell him it's me. I don't know what he does to get liquor into this district, but Haymitch hands me a glass over half full of something brown that smells worse than Ripper's mash. I swallow half of it in one gulp.

Haymitch studies me carefully for a minute and I swig down his offering. He clears his throat. "Would you rather he be dead?"

I look at him and can't help my answer, blurted in honesty, "Yes, it would have been better for him." A tear rolls down my face.

He frowns, pours me more, and crosses his arms and legs as he leans against the couch. He looks toward the muted television and pauses to watch the smiling capital people marching in support of President Snow. "What I am asking, sweetheart, is do you want it now?"

I freeze and say nothing. He finally lets his head turn my way again and blinking rapidly, his gaze finds a rambling trail of elsewhere, before discovering my face. I meet his eyes and see hard reality there. "He can't come back, can he?"

"No." Haymitch swallows a huge gulp of his drink, makes a face and swallows again. "He is programmed to live in a single goal. The programming will force him, with pain, to complete the mission. There is nothing anyone can do for him. A week, a month, ten years, it won't matter. He is gone, Katniss."

I sink to the floor. It is as good a place as any to sit, and my legs didn't have much stand-up left in them. Those words, from Haymitch, were like waves of dread turning my bones to sand. I swallow the rest of the drink in my glass. "He's in pain."

"Yes, Katniss. Unimaginable pain and no drug will ease it. If you love him?" He eases himself to the floor with a little grunt and scoots close to me, bottle in hand. "If you want me to end it for him…" he says, taking my hand in his but not meeting my eyes.

I snatch my hand away from him, fear leaps into my face and I am stunned he could even think of such a thing. "NO. You could kill him…how could…"

His face, betrayed with a sneaky rebellious tear escaping each eye, shakes slowly at me as if I am stupid. "Because I love him. You and he are the closest thing to family I will ever…I would not wish his fate on Snow himself. There is no relief, not a moments…ever. I would rather kill him then watch him suffer this. Don't be selfish, Katniss, not this time."

I shake my head in confused fury. "There has to be a way. They said they don't know."

"Sweetheart, they know."

I am ready to run, I want to scramble away and be invisible. Tortured was bad. Dead was bad. This is worse. "Please no. Don't," I plead.

I see the resolve in his eyes. The detached disappointment swells. "All right, Katniss." He hands me the bottle and I swig with greed. "But, when you have watched him suffer enough, you come let me know."

"But, you said I have to be strong. You said I had to believe." I let a whimper begin at the back of my throat and clamp my hand over my mouth to cut it off. It takes rocking and all my will, to keep companion sounds of misery from entering the room.

"False hope," he whispers. " They told me, as I was leaving, that being unable to sedate him means only one thing. His subconscious rules now, there is only his mission left."

I close my eyes and rock myself in the middle of the floor. He pulls me into his lap and I still don't cry or do more than rock nearly imperceptibly and stare into the red dark of my eyelids searching for distraction. My mind becomes aware of how tight he holds me as if either one of us could fall into a hidden fissure in the floor of his apartment. My breathing returns to normal and I still.

I tuck my face into that soft place under his chin and pet his stubbly face with my fingers, comforting myself in the same fashion I had with my father as a child. My eyes are still scrunched shut and I realize, Haymitch smells nice, when he's clean. I focus only on dissecting the elements of his scent. Breathing him in deeply, the booze loses power and reveals aromas of grass, hover craft oil, Sweet William cologne, dust, soap, a piney ointment and something spicy and gently hypnotic in a pleasant way. "You smell good." I breathe deeply in appreciation. I wonder why he is so clean. I have not once seen him grimy since we have been here, come to think of it. He's as rumpled and unkempt as ever, but now it is almost a little attractive and charming.

He snorts, "Don't take this wrong sweetheart, but I can't return the complement."

Offence is my first response as I open my eyes and lean back, just now realizing what a comically intimate position we have been engaged in during this moment of peace between us. His hands slide from my shoulders to rest on either side of my waist and I blush a little at the thought of what my mother would say if she happened to see he and I, like this. She would in no way approve of me straddled across a man's lap, alone in his apartment. His eyes smolder with gentle intensity and it is suddenly very uncomfortable with the undertones of this situation.

I sniff and discover I really do smell offensive. "Oh. Sorry. I need a shower. I…"I pause and swallow hard, "Can I borrow yours?" I am not ready to leave, but now that it has been brought to my attention, I am mortified at all the disagreeable odors wafting from me for his sampling.

"By all means, I would appreciate it, in fact." His natural smirk returns playfully, but behind it is another thing I can't explain.

I quickly wiggle away from him and, I swear, I almost see regret. "I will be back. And I am locking the door, by the way," I say with a snooty curl of my lips.

He stands and pushes his hips forward, popping his back and hobbling a little. He must have been very uncomfortable and shakes one leg to restore circulation. "Please, like I haven't seen you naked before. And, as if I can't pick that little contraption. If I wanted to. There is a new toothbrush in the second drawer you might consider making your own and might I suggest the deodorant powder is behind the mirror?"

"I don't have any clean cloths. So it isn't going to help much." I close the door firmly, pressing the lock loudly and smirking at the way he's probably rolling his eyes.

As I step out of the steamy shower, my stomach flutters in astonishment. On the closed toilet seat, is a clean outfit, in my size, topped with a fluffy clean towel? The door is locked. I emerge from the bathroom after dressing, cross my arms and glare at him.

He adopts the most content, pleased expression unwithered by my wrath. "Now we can both enjoy you sitting on my lap?"

I spent many hours on his lap that night, without a moment's enjoyment or embarrassment. Embarrassment is a luxury appreciated by people who don't watch friends stand in Capitol Square for execution. I didn't know Peeta's stylists well, but Portia, God Portia.

I spend the next three days watching Peeta scream. He is failing physically as well. The programming is sending wave after wave of adrenaline through his system and he's beginning to die. His voice is gone, and his mind is in constant torment. My mind is breaking with his. Haymitch's offer keeps whispering that it is the right thing to do. He says it would be painless. I don't think he is planning to let it go on much longer, no matter what I say. Each day the resolve on his face deepens and the question is there. Have I had enough?

Sometimes, when I can stand it no more I knock on Haymitch's door. I drink with him and he watches me, waiting for me to show the one I love kindness. His eyes beg me to let him relieve that boy's torture. But my mind can't do it. My heart can't accept he's already gone.

Gale and I meet in the hallway on one of these awkward mornings. His eyes accuse me of leaving Haymitch's room at such an hour, but when he wraps me in his arms, I find comfort there. I kiss him and my need builds for more than kisses. I am in his room before I realize what we are doing. Gale breathes heavy and he keeps pushing further. I don't stop him. In fact, I want to forget Peeta's screams and this is fading them nicely. I have too much octane in my blood and too much sorrow on my heart to care about right or wrong.

My virginity, so speculated over, is gone in a few moments of thoughtless want. I pull away after the first time, but Gale keeps touching me until there are no thoughts of Peeta. I need Gale and that need burns me until I am unable to think of anything else. While Peeta screams for my death, I scream the joy of his final betrayal. Gale fills my will with such fire I don't care if I never set foot out of the room again. Only when we part, do I hate myself enough to die. Only after I leave, do I find it impossible to breath. I am going to tell Haymitch he can do it, and while he is occupied, I will be following Peeta.

That is it. Peeta must complete his mission. That will save him. I can save Peeta. He deserves that at least, beings I have done the thing he can never forgive. I smile as I go to the doctors and demand they let me in to see him.

They don't like it and advise against it. "What difference does it make really? He's dieing. I know it. What you are doing isn't working. At least let me try, what harm will it do to him? Kill him faster? So what. Slow death is not better." I say as cool and steady as my aim with a bow.

They agree finally. I step in the room and He raises his eyes to me and growls.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author**: **Howlynn**  
><strong>Realm<strong>: _The Hunger Games_, Suzanne Collins  
><strong>Story Title<strong>: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon2  
><strong>Summary<strong>: Haymitch protects Katniss in a really strange way.  
><strong>CharacterRelationships**: Katniss and gale/haymitch/peeta/finn , lots of other off camera pairings

I** Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

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><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

I smile. "Peeta, I am here. Be good and I am going to let your complete your mission." I say it too softly for the cameras to pick up but the relief I see instantly in Peeta's face says I am doing the right thing.

His eyes lock on me and he narrows his blue cold eyes. "Why?" he manages hoarsely, but he is no longer shaking.

I move very close to him as if I am going to kiss him. "Because it's my fault and I won't let you down. I won't let them stop you, because I love you. So we have to pretend for the cameras, Peeta." I am inches from his face and he smiles.

I kiss him and for a second I felt him in there, but then his lips are cold again. "We have to make them believe you're getting better."

His eyes roll back in his head as if he's having a convulsion for a second and then the strain of unreined torture leaves him. He's on his mission again. He looks at me and the exhaustion is evident. Softly, I begin to sing to him, the hanging tree song, and I touch his forehead and smooth his hair away from his face until he sinks deeply into sleep. I kiss him on the lips, barely brushing his and feel his normal breathing, and know the sour smell of his need. Once he wanted me and felt like he needed me, and I had turned him away even when we thought we were about to die. This time I would not turn him away. I would die quietly and give him the only gift I had left for my broken boy on fire.

I stood up and left his room. There is cheering. Haymitch looks at me as if I had just won the war by waving a wand. "I should have never doubted you, sweetheart. I counted on you to save him." He gave me a huge hug and picked me up and spun me.

For eighteen hours Peeta slept. I slept too. Gale and I let passion fill a few hours as well. It didn't matter now. My time is short and I give into the things I want. I want Gale. I want his attention and revel in his lust. I know I should feel shame, but I am beyond all that useless concern. I felt sad when he thanked me for picking him, but I smile and let him think what he wants. He didn't need to know, I am just saying goodbye.

It took several days for me to convince them to let his hand restraints go. Peeta listens cunningly to me as I explained what he needs to do. He watches for any opportunity to hurry my offer. He smiles and only I could see how that smile was filled with death.

I talk to him for hours and tell him everything I can think of that we have done, to seem to help him get better. He nods at all my stories and mostly he pretends he remembers. Once in a while, his eyes flutter and I think maybe he truly does have some small memory of who he was before his murder, leaking through the Mutt. He smiles when I kiss him and the doctors are lulled into amazed optimism. Finally, they agreed that he could be trusted enough with guards. I see the calculation on his face, wondering if he could kill me and the guards. I tell him sweetly, just a bit longer and that once they left us unattended, he could kill me.

He smiles with agreement and whispers in my ear, like the lovesick boy he once was, "I am going to look forward to feeling the bones of your neck snap under my fingers this time. I may be unable to control the pleasure, watching you take your final breath will bring, watching your eyes glaze over and knowing I won't have to put my mouth on you again. Wanted to tell you that, sweetheart. Look in my eyes while I do it. You'll see."

My breath catches for a second, but I remember my game. I have years of practice for the camera. I nod smiling at him and leaning into him playfully. "And you look in my eyes and remember, for always, how much I loved you Peeta Mellark."

He laughs as if we have shared a great joke.

The last night, I spend with Gale. I warn him of the vast improvement in Peeta and that if there should be any little relapse; he had to remember that Peeta was not to blame. I praised his progress. Gale smiles and nods, his mind on other things. In the glory of the other things, my mind loses the dark place I travel toward. I don't regret the glory. I hope he doesn't either. I hope he moves on quickly. I am sure he will. Gale is too strong to be alone for long. I knew he would find comfort in other women. He could barely fight them off now. I wondered how long it would be before he could hardly remember me at all. I didn't know what I thought came at the end, but I knew whatever it meant, this could not be stolen from me. I wasn't his first, but he would always be mine.

The doctors and Plutarch grin as I enter the hospital. They think it's time to give Peeta a short try. I listen to them tell me how to signal them if I need them, without Peeta knowing. I listen to all the detailed instructions, knowing I have no need for their rules. Haymitch shows up to watch our experiment. I wish he was not here. I know this will hurt him. He has been so kind to me and now I am betraying him. But he will have Peeta, and he always did like him better. He will know I did it on purpose and he will hate me. I keep glancing at Haymitch, wishing I could tell him something that would make it not so horrible for him. I give him a hug, and hope it says enough to him later. I don't dare say anything sappy or he will catch on that there is trouble.

"You smell good, Haymitch."

He blushed. "Let's get on with it, I don't have time for you to sniff me all day."

I did it a last time, just to annoy him. And to make sure that came with me too.

Peeta smiles with such unhidden malice when I enter, that I hesitate. Fear in the pit of my stomach feels like ice gnawing, but I step into the room. There are letters waiting for all of the ones I leave behind. Haymitch's letter was the longest though I can't for the life of me figure out how that happened. There is even a letter for Peeta. I want them to know it isn't his fault. I want them to know why. For once, I have had the chance to say what I want without fear or hope.

"Are you ready for this, Katniss?" Peeta watches me drop the wedge of wood on the floor and secretly kick it under the door, blocking anyone from entering. I hold Peeta's pearl tightly in my hand, taking strength from it to do for him what I should have in our first games and what I meant to do in the second.

I smile and nod slightly. I take a calm slow breath and cast a glance nervously toward the glass. I can't see them but I feel gray eyes, hardening and watching me, trusting me. I approach doom. "Kiss me while you do it. I won't struggle, just don't let them see until…you finish. We won't get another chance."

He nods. He pulls me to him and his lips enclose mine as his hands tighten on my throat and I try not to struggle as the blood leaves my head and I begin to find blackness. All the joy I ever denied him was on his face as he watched me die before his eyes. His lips are burning hot.

The last thing I remember is being back in the Quell. The stars are so bright and the tiny pearl in my hand means my Peeta loves me. I hear it bouncing and bouncing on the hard sand as it is released from my numb fingers. Then I hear them trying to pound on some drum far off in the jungle and I worry that the monkeys will arrive soon. I hear Haymitch screeching and glass breaking so far away.

My throat aches and I am horrified to see that Haymitch is dead too. He leans over me and glares at me. "I taught you too well Mockingjay. I won't ever make that mistake again." He scrunches up his face and does a livid imitation of my last words, "You smell good, Haymitch." He slams his fist into the cushion next to my head, his voice grinding with grit, "And you stink."

"Peeta?" I croak with effort, trying to swallow and mouth so dry it is impossible.

"Taking care of him tonight you selfish little fool." I see for the first time ever the man who won the Quell. The cold gray eyes are furious with me but that sober fury is deadly. Violence glittered brightly in the eyes, like cinders in ash.

"Does he know I am alive?" I ask without any concern about anything else.

His face, for just a tick looks ill, but the fury flashbacks and drapes his features in evil. "He tried to kill you. We barely got you out of there. He's celebrating."

"Good. Then tell him the good news. I am dead. You all couldn't save me. If he completes his mission…." I cough, and have to sit up to make it stop. He hands me water.

A light dawns on Haymitch's face, astonishment and understanding. "If his mission is complete, it ends the pain."

I gag and almost throw up, but nod and swallow more water. "Only way to end it."

Haymitch kisses me right on the mouth with a loud friendly smacking sound and I look at him like he's gone mad. "My brilliant little Mockingjay." He rushes out of the room.

One of the doctors and Plutarch peek their heads in the door and wave for me to follow them. I jump up and we go the opposite way of what I expect. We are soon in the room they are using to monitor Peeta. He is pacing and agitated.

Haymitch enters the room. At first I am afraid he is about to kill Peeta in front of me, but Haymitch pulls a rumpled handkerchief from his pocket and dabs his eyes. The doctor turns up the sound. "..save her. You have no idea what you have cost us Peeta. I couldn't save her or you. I don't know what they will do to you and I don't give a rat's whisker either. I know you couldn't help it, but I swear I can't imagine what went through her mind as you…." He bows his head.

"Probably something about that coal miner. Or maybe that she was getting exactly what she deserved. She got just what she wanted, just like she always did." Peeta says with unimaginable glee. "I want to see her. I want to touch her cold dead face."

Haymitch, shifts his weight and rolls his neck slightly, he's about a comment away from punching Peeta and I see his shoulder drop slightly, an involuntary signal he's about to take a swing.

One of the doctors steps forward and quickly sticks and withdraws a needle in Peeta's arm. He laughs at them then sinks to the ground.

Soon they have him in another room, restrained again. Hours later he wakes. He is ranting about seeing my body. We set it up. I lay in another room under a sheet. He may only see for himself, he will not be allowed near me. It is explained that Haymitch has had some mental breakdown and won't let anyone near me. They even think to discolor my skin as if blood is settling and they lift the sheet and show him my dead body as I lay not breathing or moving. I leave my eyes partially open and observe his satisfied expression through the glass. The little smile on his face honestly hurts more than being strangled.

I go into the old room and search among the shattered glass for the pearl. It rests alone near the wall. "What happened to the window?" I ask stupidly.

The attendant, who is laboring to sweep up the shards looks up. "That crazy, drunken, old victor of yours threw a chair through it. He went about half insane when they figured out the door was messed up. He's got some spunk too, for a guy who falls off stages," he says laughing and shaking his head.

I hold my precious pearl in my hand and go back down the hall wanting to sing at my success. For the first time in days I am starving. I beg Haymitch to come eat with me but he wants to have dinner in his room, in the liquid format.

I sit down in the cafeteria next to Gale and he frowns at my cool collar wrapped neck. "What happened this time?" he asks with anger. He leans back and his eyebrows lift so far his whole forehead becomes a row crop of wrinkle.

"Peeta killed me. Now he can get better," I whisper excitedly.

"Fantastic," he says standing so fast he knocks over his chair. "Good to know Katniss."

I looked up at him startled. "I thought you'd be happy. You saved him."

"Yeah I did." He leans over face filled with hate. "But, that was before… Things are different now. I won't let him take you from me again. I won't let him take you, no matter how pathetic and wounded he is. You belong to me now!" He stands back up; face reddening at the silence of the whole cafeteria.

I look around and am mortified to discover the entire cafeteria has heard this exchange. I can almost hear their minds clicking away at my shameful betrayal of poor Peeta, who is partially responsible for their lives being saved with his warning. They all know the price he paid to give us this information. They all knew the price it cost for them to rescue him to keep the Mockingjay happy. Now, they knew I somehow soiled it. I stood up, face cold and shimmering a heated red. I took my tray of wasted food and dared the attendants to say a word.

I was soon with Haymitch, drinking and slurring a confession of what I had done and that everyone knew now. I passed out in his room and that was where I spent the night. I tried to sneak out in the morning, but immediately bumped into Gale. He saw Haymitch passed out half clothed on the couch before the door swung closed. He took one look at my rumpled hair and the dark circles under my eyes, and jumped to one very stupid conclusion. "Making the rounds now are you. I waited for you." He says with disgust so vile I couldn't believe I had ever seen his face before. "Am I going to have to beat up every man under the age of sixty just to keep you?"

"You don't have me. Stop acting like Haymitch is...he's forty. How dare you even think I …"I can't finish realizing the hallways are busy. Gale demands to know if I am getting my coal from two shoots. It is an ugly Seam way of accusing a woman of being a shaggy who will sleep with anyone for free. It is considered more terrible than a whore, who at least has the excuse of survival and necessity to excuse her behavior. A whore only does what she must, but a shaggy woman is ruined in the eyes of all. I can't even respond I am so crushed. I want to crawl in a hole and die. People are looking at us.

If I say no, I am admitting I have slept with him, and those rumors are surely already flying. Now he has opened a whole new shaft of rumors. There is nothing I can say that will make this any better. His face is nothing but shadows and I turn on my heel and flee. I hear him curse.

It only took four hours for every single person in the district to discover that I was cheating on Peeta with my 'cousin' and cheating on my pretend cousin with my old mentor. I didn't dare tell anyone that Haymitch and I were sneaking liquor, beings it wasn't allowed in district 13 under any circumstances. I can't stand to see him dry out. It's worse than the drinking. So, there was no other explanation to provide in place of passing out in Haymitch's room.

Coin is furious with me. She schedules a meeting between Haymitch, Plutarch her and I. She is rattling about damage control, and I am zoning out too self-conscious to even speak. Haymitch strolls into her office looking like a Mockingjay eating cat. He greets me in such a way, that there is now no doubt in her mind about what he and I have been up to. "Hello sweetheart, looks like we're caught once and for all this time." He leans over me and actually pulls my face to his and whispers "trust me" before kissing me like we are carrying on some secret affair.

Coin collapses in her chair in disgust, "Oh dear crummy hell. Well, there is no …stop that this instant! No sense hoping the two of you will have the good taste to deny this nasty little business of yours."

"Haymitch how could you be so stupid!" Plutarch says watching us carefully.

Haymitch grins. "No, we will not deny it. Announce it to the world for all I care. I am tired of pretending."

I blush, covering my face with my hand. Why would he ever say this is happening? Does he want me to be unable to face my mother for all time? I can't even look at Coin, much less him. I peak Coin's way as she sits with her mouth open, flabbergasted. "Well this certainly explains a lot Miss Everdeen. Is this drunken old fool actually your choice? Can you say to me that this is important enough to you that I can't forbid you from…"

"Tell her, sweetheart. Tell her there is nothing she can do." Haymitch holds out his hand to me.

I glare at him, having no idea what he's up too. I want to scream at him that he's making a fool of me, but at the same time, I have learned to trust him. I take his hand and kiss it. I hold it to my face and close my eyes. With a huge sigh, and near tears that are quite real at the thought of what Gale would have to say now, I follow his lead. "It's true. Since before the games. And stop calling him old."

"All this time!" Coin demands.

"No. You old dog…"Plutarch says with amused respect and almost a note of jealous approval.

"All this time? Can you imagine what I have gone through all this time? Twice now in those damned games. Can you blame me for drinking?" Haymitch, with a perfect little choke of emotion, gives them both a hard defiant look. "Katniss is mine." The way he said it was as if one of them were going to take his little victor prize away.

I stand and embrace him. "Oh Haymitch, sweetheart, don't start that again. I just got you back from your scare yesterday." I wonder if he can see how he's ruffled my feathers. I am going to stab him in the eye with a stick. Not with a sharp one, but a dull painful one.

He leans into me and shudders as if near falling apart. Then he wipes his eyes and smiles at me cupping my face with his hand. "Not much more they can do to me now, aye darling?" he says, his eyes so filled with love I am almost fooled. "So, is this what you wanted to see us about, or was it something important?" He says slipping his arms around me in a familiar way as if our audience is an afterthought.

Coin leans back in her chair shaking her head. "Peeta was all an act, and what about the brooding cousin?"

"Smoke. If they suspected she was mine, had even an inkling, what would the game makers have done to her?" Haymitch says smoothly. He glances at Plutarch and winks.

"So the chameleon isn't such an idiot with his money after all…" Plutarch says nearly sick with his snickering. Tears are threatening to spill from his eyes at his enjoyment of our discomfort.

Coin purses her eyebrows and nods. She glares at us both and wipes her face in frustration. "Every time I think I know your song Mockingjay, it changes."

"We had a little scare back before the Quell was announced; Peeta was hoping to get me out of having to go." I add helpfully. I hope he gets so embarrassed he crawls under the desk at the idea that I am saying he was stupid enough to get me knocked up.

"And yet Peeta took your place and protected her? Why?" She has me stumped.

"Well the boy loves her of course. He did, before he killed her yesterday." He smirks, and kisses my hand. He winks at me with a questioning look.

"What is that about?"

"Trying to convince him his mission is complete so they can treat him. He is finally able to be sedated which is a marvelous improvement." Haymitch explains while glancing at me and flirting with me to the point I wanted to slap him.

"You two are making me sick – get out." She waves us out of the room.

Haymitch bends me way over backwards and kisses me so long and deeply that Coin throws a shoe at us. Plutarch cracks up laughing. I resist the urge to wipe my mouth on the back of my hand.

We walk up the halls and with the fury of hummingbird wings I fire questions and accusations. I am trying to ask him what he thinks he's up to, but he keeps shutting me up with his mouth on me. He is enjoying my discomfort and finally I stop speaking until we arrive at this room. As soon as the door closes, I sock him in the chest. "What are you doing?"

He laughs, a snort through his nose, just one sound of disparaging noise. "I am saving your beloved ones from being constant targets. I am protecting your little boyfriends. Thus you. Scandal travels fast, and before night falls on our drunken deeds, even the Capitol, will be aware that I win. Now, should we lose at some point – or be betrayed, they will use me against you, torture me, execute me and not someone you actually care about. Who knows you might even be allowed to enjoy the show before your own execution. We will have to work on your crocodile tears a bit, won't we, sweetheart" His eyes narrow with dark amusement.

"Oh…Haymitch." I can't say more, my eyebrows come together hard, my best scowl fixed and hiding my thoughts. I am so mixed up with both gratitude and shame that I can't figure out how to begin. "It won't work as well as you think."

"Let's just hope we never find out. But in the meantime you have your privacy again ...so long as you're careful. I do expect you to leave my chamber rumpled frequently. I do have a reputation of debauchery I must maintain, but it will buy you a little time." He smiles and pours us brown spirits. "To a long and beautiful relationship."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author**: **Howlynn**  
><strong>Realm<strong>: _The Hunger Games_, Suzanne Collins  
><strong>Story Title<strong>: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon3  
><strong>Summary<strong>: Haymitch's famously secret tart  
><strong>CharacterRelationships**: Katniss and gale/haymitch/peeta/finn , lots of other off camera pairings

I** Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter3<strong>

If seeing Peeta in pure pain was hard, watching the boy who loved me come back to the realization that he had murdered me, and watching him cry, unable to comfort him is even worse. He howls my name. He stares at the walls, tearless red eyes not moving or blinking. Mostly he sleeps. He won't eat. I beg everyone to please tell him the truth. They insist it is too soon and he could be reversed back onto his mission. They don't know what finding out he failed will do. He could go back to screaming, only be worse, perhaps never again retrievable. They insist it is going to damage him if we move too quickly.

"You wouldn't listen before and you nearly killed him. At Least let me go to him while he's asleep, when he's having nightmares." He's going to die again if they keep doing the same thing.

"No. The risk is too great." I knew they were punishing me for my stunt.

"Then send someone in there to talk to him. He's alone. He's lost his whole family and me and Haymitch and there isn't anyone he cares about. He's just going to decide to die, and for heaven's angel-guts sake give him back his leg!" I shout. "Haymitch, please help him?"

He sighs. "You and your little boy troubles." He teases, but agrees.

Surprisingly, Haymitch does help some. "Peeta keeps telling him how sorry he is. He asks about the funeral. He wants to know who was there. He keeps asking if I had said anything before I died. Where I was buried? Could he visit? Was there a memorial? What was being said on Television? When he would be executed? How would it be done?"

He listens carefully to Haymitch's silken sugar lies. The idiot man has the charm of Finnick Odair when he's lying. I keep this smiling cheery Haymitch in mind, knowing that should he ever be bubbly with me, I should expect the stabbing to begin. The only part Peeta is angry about is that Haymitch said they were not going to execute him or even put him on trial for my death.

I chew my lip in fear as Delly Cartwright tries to lie and keep her stories straight. Then, as he sits alone again crying, I think of a way I can speak to him. I go to Haymitch's room and retrieve all my goodbye letters. I had not gotten rid of them, because you never know what will occur. Not this time maybe, but they might be something someday. I grab Peeta's letter. Haymitch delivers it for me.

For a long time Peeta doesn't read it. He just stares down at his name in my printing. I watch his face carefully and hope that once he sees what I had to say, it will make everything clear to him. I want it to ease his heart a little, knowing that I did it for him.

When he finally opens the letter, there is no reaction on his face at all. He holds it and reads it over and over then his eyes roll back in his head and he begins shaking as if he's coming apart. The doctors are in a flurry around him. I watch in helpless horror as Peeta has a grand maul seizure.

I sit on the table so I can see him, my knees drawn up, rocking and crying. Haymitch comes to the room.

"Was it me? Did my letter do that to him?" I ask, so racked with guilt I can hardly make my lips work.

"We don't know. We don't know what anything will do to him. We want you to go sit with him. He's sedated, but we want to see if you can reach him. Speak, sing anything. But, it doesn't look good. I won't lie to you," Haymitch says, his arms are around me trying to sooth me.

Plutarch comes in the room. "Oh excuse me." He says uncomfortably but unable to hide his knowing smile.

Being Haymitch's famously secret tart has its down sides. My mother threatens to poison Haymitch. I am certain she does not mean it as a joke. Prim looks at me as if I have betrayed her instead of Gale, which I haven't.

Gale will not even give me three seconds to explain and I stopped eating in the lunchroom at all. The hateful eyes follow me everywhere. I should go to him and explain, but the more stubborn he is, the more right I am to be so mad. I did nothing. He started all this. He made this mess. He called me names. He had to appologise.

This leaves all nutrients to be acquired with Haymitch. He insists we visit the cafeteria from time to time, no matter how I protest. I can't argue, because even with my massive consumption of spirits, I grew thinner. People glare at us as we appear, for the first time as a couple. It feels like the games all over again only this time everyone hates me. Finnick, and Delly Cartwright were almost the only ones who would be seen with us on purpose. Johanna Mason voices what everyone is thinking.

"You are a mental case aren't you? What do you see in this drunken old fart, when you had a chance with…"Johanna didn't finish who she thought I had a chance with, because Delly kicks her.

Nobody even thinks this might hurt Haymitch's feelings. His face stays neutral and he wears a smirk. His smile is not a smile to my well-trained eyes. It is Haymitch cover. His amusement is worn like a bandage. His eyes follow Johanna. She plunges her spoon into Finn's tray and licks mashed potatoes off her spoon, with a relish far too expressive to be about food. For thinking he's a drunken old fart, she is putting on quite a show for him.

"You don't know the real Haymitch, he's …" I say this sincerely, I would never have survived any of this without him. I drop my fork and my eyes. Acting like emotion has gotten the best of me and shutting down, is what I am best at. I am getting angry with everyone. Who I am with, is not anyone's debate, but mine. Haymitch drapes his arm around me casually in thanks. I take his hand, even though it turns heads.

"Yeah, wanna compare notes, brainless?" Johanna offers and bats her lashes in a ridiculous manner.

Haymitch looks disappointed in her. "Jojo!" he says as if speaking to a child.

"It's Ok Katniss, you can never help who your heart calls for. There is a lot more to him than anyone believes. I think you made a good match. I mean, In your case, Peeta irretrievable was more than what I had to deal with. " Finnick is, of course, thinking of his Annie.

"How is she?" I ask.

"She's doing well. She's going to try being around people tomorrow. So far it's been hard for her. She never had it easy being around a crowd. Not even before her games," he tells us. "She said she liked you visiting, Haymitch. Thanks for that. She is just so private. But she knows you, and it's nice she has a friend here."

"Finn you know I would do anything for…."Haymitch begins kindly but he is cut off, before he can finish.

Gale strolls by butting into the conversation, "Well, Good luck finding any Privacy around here. Even the two masters at sneaking around and lying to people, get caught eventually."

I don't turn to see his face, I stare forward and I feel Haymitch squeeze me in either comfort or warning.

"Jealous little boys, don't always make points for themselves, by acting like little, jealous boys, Mr. Hawthorne." Haymitch says with quiet warning.

I hear Gale snort, "No fool like an old fool. Too bad, nobody warned you. She has Daddy issues. Next time you need one broken in, ole boy…"

Haymitch stands up. Gale laughs at him. "Don't try it old man…"

Finnick stands up, arms crossing, shaking his head in warning to Gale.

Johanna stands, grinning with pure joy, says, "Hey pretty boy, you wouldn't want to hurt an old guy. But I would wrestle you for the cafeteria comedy slot?" The way she purred the words seemed too familiar and half challenge, with the rest meant as seduction.

Gale blushes, but he looks at her in a way that made me wonder, if he might let her win. "Hey, Jo. Thirty seconds with the old buzzard, and you might be in trouble."

My heart is now pounding so hard I can imagine it suddenly seizing, wearing out, right in the cafeteria. I move between them. "Don't forget Gale, that old buzzard saved your life and mine on many occasions. They would have whipped you to death and me too without him. I never imagined that this is who you are Gale. Want to hate someone? Hate me. I begged him. I threw myself at him. And you know what? It was worth it!" I see his hatred focus on me, he looks me up and down one time.

"Sure Catnip, anyone who could win, has to have a lot of debt. You get it all paid off, then come see me. I will be in two." Gales eyes accuse me, as if Haymitch is some sort of Head Peacekeeper Cray. He looks at me like I am dirty and I know I will never forgive him for it. Gale could not be my friend, could not care about me, if he can look at me like that. I return his steady eyes, with my own anger.

"Thanks for letting me know what you always thought of me Gale. Guess we are even too?" I swallow and turn away from Gale, refusing to cry here with everyone watching. I reach out to Haymitch and take his arm. "Can we please go?" I ask Haymitch.

"Of course, sweetheart." I know he and Gale are making faces at each other.

Angry, I turn around and declare to myself that nobody will ever demand who my heart will or will not cling to again. I turn to Haymitch, smile and break the last brick the capital has beaten me with. People may not like it. They may hate me. I may be the Mockingjay, but I was done being anyone's pet songbird.

I grin at him and think, watch this you jerks. It may not be real, but they don't care about real. Haymitch is protecting Gale and he stands here beside me, expecting nothing, while Gale insults him.

I pull Haymitch to me and kiss him, as if my hunger for him could match anything Gale or Peeta ever brought me. He suddenly pulls me too him, and something is a little too real. Haymitch pulls away a shadow on his face and he covers by announcing, "I love you, my little Mockingjay." Haymitch is too good of an actor, only one person in the whole room knew he was not telling the truth and I was having my doubts.

There are reactions to my behavior. Johanna screams "ewww". She looks around the room making rude barfing sounds.

Delly and Finnick blush, along with many others. Some people whistle and cheer in appreciation. The most important reaction comes from Gale. I meet his eyes with cold resolve, once Haymitch breaks off our display. If Gale can't even respect me enough to hear me out, after knowing he was the first and only man to touch me, then I am better off in the arms of Haymitch Abernathy, or broken deadly Peeta Mellark, or cruel President Snow.

Gale can kill a Mockingjay faster than any trap the capital could devise. Gale is the one, whose snares always pay off. I will not be his to dangle from a limb helpless. That he could be the first, to believe something horrible about me, without once even thinking the truth through or bothering to ask me what was really happening, said more about us than any sweet words or kisses of passion ever can.

Johanna grabs Gale by the arm and leads his rosy face and fiery eyes out the door.

I meet the eyes of disapproval. Strangely I find respect among some of them. Haymitch follows me, his hand guiding my steps, his presence annoying sometimes, but a key to my survival in his constant hidden wisdom.

Again we are back in his room, drinking and keeping up appearances, letting tongues wag. Somehow, I can imagine the very eye of the capitol, the dead eyes of President Snow, glowering in Haymitch's direction. I can see impotent fury as Snow realizes he'd been duped into stealing the wrong thing from me. It is a little spark of useless glee, to enjoy that he would be consumed with doubt. Snow must be screaming to get me for my lies. I can see him coughing his blood and full of fury, wondering how he'd missed all the imagined clues. Did he look back now, watching Haymitch sending me things in the first hunger games while Peeta lay dying in the mud? I smile all the way back to Haymitch's room.

I look at him across the table. He silently smirks at me as he brings the bottle to his lips. "Thank you for taking up for me. Are you going to torture the boy much longer?"

"Yes. He sees me as he wants. He thinks I. Nevermind, it doesn't matter."

"You should tell him the real story. Want me to explain?" He curses that the bottle is empty.

"Don't bother," I say softly. He's probably learning how to wrestle by now, with oil.

He shrugs. "We need to slow down," he says, boxing empty bottles neatly and counting our supply.

I watch him swallow the last drops from a container. I think of how his kisses are so demanding. Peeta was soft like the wings of a butterfly. Gale was all buzzing bees and heat. Haymitch is a grasshopper, consuming and devouring. Once, I got mad for being compared to him, but I see now that the drunken reputation, may be partly truth, but much show. "Why?" I ask him.

"Because I can't get the good kind. We are not rich any longer, now that we are outlaws you know. And now, you can nearly match me swig for swig, and you don't even puke up as much as I do ...which means I am trying to buy more with less…"

"You know what I mean. Why." I say glaring at him, knowing he will throw smoke and dash if I let him.

He looks up, brow knitting then a blush. "Oh that." He looks down at the floor. "Part of it is simply a well pickled brain unable to make rational judgment. Just thumbing our noses at our favorite president. He knows already, you know." He laughs loudly and triumphantly. "He knows all that effort on Peeta was for nothing. You and I were here, all along, safe and sound. He wins with mind games. He always has. It will rock him to his foundation, to think he's been out played. Now, he's wondering how many other things he's missed, suspecting you were a puppet for me the whole time. Or I for you. It will drive him insane. It is our revenge, slowly savored by his terror of what he doesn't know."

I stand up and cross to the small sink. I lean over it and don't speak. I hear him stand and approach me. I turn to him and look at him like I know the answer. I feel pleasantly warm and bold. "You're hedging. Why" I step up to him and meet his eyes. "You would put yourself in harm for someone and gain nothing in return. You have a motive and I need to know Haymitch, why?"

His eyes soften and he sighs shaking his head. Looking down at me, that look I saw before, when he is acting crosses his face. "Is it so hard to imagine, sweetheart. You're not a little girl anymore. You know when you stir a man." his eyes flick down and land on the floor. His face is prepared for my barrage of hatred. When his eyes rise to meet mine, he finds me smiling sadly.

"I thought until very recently you hated me." I tell him truthfully.

"Never believe a thing I say unless well oiled," he says holding up his empty glass. "Don't even count on it then."

"Why are you so alone Haymitch, you could have had your pick of anyone."

"Could I ? Know many Abernathys in the old district? Katniss every single person I was related to, everything I ever loved was taken from me. Snow was younger then and much more vigorous in his appetites to hurt things. I was stubborn. The price I paid was terrible." His eyes drift far away, he sighs.

"I never thought about it. I'm sorry, Hay," I say sympathetically. I watch him, I can see his mind flicking into some memory.

"I wish I had never won. I should have died protecting her, like Peeta would have done for you. Death is now too good for me. I will suffer every horrid moment of this life as penance for that moment. When I saw your token Katniss, it was like she reached across time to whisper to me. I drank more than I could hope to process; I don't even remember anything except seeing that pin and then you nearly chopping my finger off with a knife! Your pin was hers once and somehow you are her reborn, not physically in any way, but something inside. When I managed to bring you home the first time, I paid a debt to her as well. I have fought Snow all these years and could do it only because there was nothing of me left to hurt. I am a clown, not to be taken seriously. Why do you think, he wanted you to be enhanced after the games? I nearly lost my life protecting you and… Cinna….well, in the long run ...I suppose he did. Lucky fluffball."

"Why did Cinna pick twelve?" I have never asked him.

"Publicly, because we have the fewest winners in the history of the games. Privately, it is a long story, involving mutual dilemmas and he wanted a way to associate with me without it being questioned."

My heart does something I can't explain. I loved Haymitch, how could I not, he is family, but suddenly there was more than simple loyalty, appreciation and friendship.

I move close to him, touch his face and pull him to me gently. He looks at me fearfully. "There are no cameras here."

"I will send for one, if it's what it takes." I kiss him. I have to stand on my toes to reach his lips. His eyes close and his breath is starting to deepen. To my surprise, so does my own.

He pulls me to him, crushing me in his want. It is not the brilliant fire of Gale or the warm controlled oven of Peeta, but it is the comfort of a glass of spirits when you're half frozen in a long winter.

I am not unwilling to be a tiny measure of light in his dark self-imposed galaxy of blackness. The way he stirs me back, is not how I felt with Gale. What does it matter if we truly find a small comfort in each other after all we had both given up for a lost cause? Peeta is as good as gone. Gale is not what I expected. I am as bleak and doomed to sorrow as Haymitch. I want him. As soon as this idea crosses my mind, it settles there with perfect design.

He pulls back and I move to him again, giving in to the want of this closeness I have unexpectedly found. I do want him. I am losing my head over the feel of him wanting me, even though he knows what a horrible person I really am. I feel he is on the edge of becoming an animal with desire for horrible broken useless me. I respond to his behavior and my breath drags in and out of me as if I have been running up a mountain.

He pulls back again and sighs deeply, he holds me tightly, putting his chin on the top of my head. "Katniss, no matter how much I want this, it can't happen." He whispers.

I stiffen, feeling despair at his rejection. "Please Haymitch, don't throw me away too. You said, I stirred you?"

He forces me to look at him. "Are you sure you want this? You can't want this."

"Yes. I do." I say certain I know my mind.

"No, sweetheart, you don't." he tells me and smiles softly, "But, thank you, beyond all I can convey, for being confused enough, to think you could." He kisses me again.

I press myself to him, wanting to convince him. "Everyone thinks we have. What can it hurt? Haymitch there is no bad side to this." I tug at his shirt, running my hands up his back, his skin warm. My hands detect gooseflesh at my touch.

"Peeta." He says simply, "I love the boy as well, who will explain this to him."

"There is no Peeta, Haymitch. Snow killed him and I am going to kill Snow for it and after that there is nothing that holds me to this world." I unbutton the top button of my district 13 uniform. I want this train to stay on track. My brain focuses on sensation.

His hand reaches out to stop me. "Katniss, don't tempt me to do something else I have to drink away, to survive. Don't weigh what the no is costing me this moment, and sway those scales beyond what I can hold back."

"Then don't weigh it. Don't analyze it. Just let it be what it is. We are two people who have lost all hope and found a little affection. Let it just be, and give me what I want for once," I say trying to hold my temper with his drunken noble gesture.

"That is exactly what I am doing. Not what you want, but what you need." He grips my hand and takes steps toward the door. "Come with me."

He drags me along behind him. We head straight to the hospital wing. We are denied entrance to Peeta's room. He is deeply sedated they say.

Haymitch looms over them, anger and something else swelling him with power. "Then open this door, before I bash it in. Does that clear up any details? You have had him isolated for weeks. Enough."

They scowl, but they comply.

He takes my hand and pulls me into the room. Peeta sleeps peacefully. He has been bathed and his scent wafts to me, no longer sour with adrenaline and hate. I can't take my eyes off him. "He's not in there Haymitch. That is just the package that he used to fill. It is just the Peeta Frosting. There is nothing under it."

"Kiss him and tell me what you want."

"You may as well have me kiss my own refection on the glass over there." I touch Peeta's face and his eyes move back and forth under his closed lids, making his lashes wiggle.

"Humor me."

I sigh and bend over him, inhaling him and wishing to see him as he once was, for just an hour more. A single tear falls on his face as I see all those months we could have had. They slip by because I was so stupid. My lips touch his and I don't care that they don't know me, the familiar taste of him is so pleasant I don't even notice that his eyes are open and he is responding, I can't break this contact, until his movement is accompanied by a moan.

I pull back in shock and look into his beautiful blue eyes. "Katniss. I know you're not real, but please don't leave me. Don't make me go back this time. Please let me stay; let me be dead with you. I am sorry I killed you. Just let me stay this time." He says all of this as plain as can be. He looks past me. "Go away Haymitch, don't take her away from me this time. Don't bring me back anymore. Let me stay dead with her."

"Peeta?" I whisper. His eyes lock on me. "I won't leave you. I will stay as long as you want."

"I know you're just a ghost." He smiles, "But I don't care. I read your letter, but they took it from me. They won't give me my leg, because I could get away and get to you then. They won't let me come to you. But I will, as soon as they aren't looking. Just like you did. Are you happy to be dead Katniss? Is it beautiful?"

"I miss you Peeta, but you have to promise me you will not try to die. I am not where you think I am." I say carefully. My heart is broken for him.

"You mean I have to be alive to see you?"

"Yes." I latch on to him. "You have to get better Peeta and I will be waiting for you, when you are."

"Wait, you're not different from him are you? Is Haymitch dead with you? Is he a ghost? They thought I was asleep, but they said you guys were together now. They were sad. You died too didn't you Haymitch? That's what they meant." He smiles laying his head comfortably on the pillow. " I don't know how you died. Did I kill you too?" He looks at Haymitch, "I don't remember killing you Haymitch. I am sorry. I am glad you're there to take care of her, until I can get away too."

I look back at Haymitch not sure how to answer. "Don't worry, Peeta, I will take care of her. You didn't kill me. I finally drank myself to death over a stupid little girl. Nothing you could do to prevent it. Just meant to be. You better fight hard though, because if you leave her to me, I might just fall for her as hard as you did." He winks at Peeta and smiles.

Peeta laughs. "That's funny. You hate her and she detests you. I want to hang myself like your song Katniss, but that will take longer. They will get sloppy one day. I will be there soon," he says, as if telling me he wants to drink a glass of water.

"Peeta, you have to stay alive. You won't see me if you die," I say trying to make it clear.

Haymitch interjects, "We have to watch over you. If we don't get you better, we won't ever see you again."

"That's not fair. I want to be where you are. Just tell me how to get there and I will do it," Peeta says, but I can see he's fading into exhaustion.

I begin to stroke his hair. "All you have to do is get well, Peeta." I say this softly, over and over, long after I know he's asleep. Finally I stand and kiss his forehead and turn to find Haymitch watching me. He smiles.

"What do you want now, sweetheart?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Author**: **Howlynn**  
><strong>Realm<strong>: _The Hunger Games_, Suzanne Collins  
><strong>Story Title<strong>: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon4  
><strong>Summary<strong>: Haymitch's famously secret tart  
><strong>CharacterRelationships**: Katniss and gale/haymitch/peeta/finn , lots of other off camera pairings

I** Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4<strong>

Our game of ghost is carefully choreographed. Peeta didn't know what was real and what wasn't, so we could show up while he slept and leave when he went to sleep again. At first he was blossoming so they moved him into a regular room. They didn't understand what we'd been up to and somehow this decision was made without consulting us.

His new room had less security. Worse than anything, it had television. The capital had a lengthy new ad campaign, about how the Mockingjay was making a mockery of the whole world.

The documentary style propaganda ad began with my calculated movements to gain power. They said I had not even being willing to ease Peeta's suffering while he'd tried to save me in the games. They showed footage of him delirious and speaking to me, though I wasn't there. He is crying and begging me to help him. The way they cut it made it look like I was standing over him and watching him die. Then eventually, in terrible pain, he'd begged me to kill him. They said by the time I finally decided to help him, he was so far past pain, that he'd only had hours left. They show his vital signs as he'd faded away. Then there is a picture of Haymitch passed out at his mentor station though it hadn't been taken during our year, they implied it was. They went on to stress how he sent me burn cream and never sent anything for Peeta until the broth. There was a cost comparison of how much Haymitch had spent on me. It was a shameful expense gap.

Then, they mention that it was unknown what happened to my stylist, but he'd been found beaten to death in my launch. Capitol reporters made skeptical faces and said, " A locked room of highest security that only he and Katniss Everdeen had entered alone. That could be why Haymitch and she conspired to ruin the games and start a rebellion." It was hinted Haymitch had to save me from murder charges.

They alluded to much more shady possibilities. Was my pregnancy a farce like my wedding story? Had Haymitch been the father of my child. Did Cinna threaten to expose us and it cost him his life? They showed pictures of my beautiful Cinna. His face was ruined and didn't even resemble him. Everything under his features had been shifted in a disproportional mess.

There are dozens of pictures of Haymitch and I together. They are the same exact photos of the group that we took in every district. Now they are cropped to look like Haymitch and I were obviously an ugly secret shared by those who knew us. Frame by frame, they must have gone through the footage. They kept flashing pictures of Haymitch and I smiling while either Cinna looked at us like we were insects or Peeta looked at us with his heart broken. Taken out of context, this all looked very convincing.

They had a photograph of Haymitch and I kissing in the cafeteria of District 13.

That one had caught everyone off guard, because that meant we were being spied on. It had only been a few weeks since I had kissed Haymitch. Even I had to admit that I looked a little too happy about being in his arms. It made the tame Peeta kisses look like cold stage kisses. People felt betrayed.

We had to prepare answers. There is a high level meeting going on and Cressida and Plutarch are trying to unspin the capitol damage. I have had all I can take. I am in Haymitch's room, tears falling at all the trouble. Peeta is the last thing on my mind at that moment.

Peeta sees the program. He has no idea what is real and what isn't and he shatters. He went far beyond hijacking this time into a brainwave fugue state. He could still breath and his heart still beat, but they described him as vegetative. He has lost his battle they say. I hear them discussing permanent long term care and they show us a million meaningless graphs to describe his condition. Brain-dead was all I understood. They tell me later, that the last thing he said was "Leftovers. Everyone's leftovers."

He stops responding to all stimuli. He could no longer even flinch from pain. He didn't move, or blink or speak. I spent hours begging him to talk to me. I spent hours just looking at him unable to do any more myself. I was a little jelouse of him in fact. He was no longer suffering. He is lost and never to be found again. A shell is left to remind me that I finally took everything away from him.

Sly Haymitch did what he could to control the damage done to the rebels cause. He put his spin on the information and our brilliant Beedee got it out using the very broadcast programs he'd had written. He said it was the one to steal the capitols broadcast waves and undermine all their efforts.

Our documentary full of half-truths and optimistic rebel spin opens with one full minute of Peeta's screams. They stopped with footage of him attacking me. The words flashed on the screen "720 minutes a day, this is what they left her." Then, they show Peeta and I together and Cinna beautiful. They filmed the hours I spent talking to Peeta, singing to him, kissing him. They condensed three days of me with him between 16 and twenty hours a day into a three minute feed. Only then do Haymitch and I admit that we are at this time, considered a couple. It is downplayed that it is romantic, and that we are just two people who have a terrible job, made worse by such pure cruelty. We tell those still held in the prisons of the capital to have hope.

It doesn't help Peeta. I have no hope for Peeta. I have destroyed him forever.

I cling to Haymitch, needing his comfort. He is constantly pushing me away. I drink more and more, but it doesn't help anything. My sorrow is beyond measure.

I go into the woods without Gale now. Gale has gone to two. Sometimes, I plan to not come back from my hunting trips, but the thought of Haymitch draws me home. Gale is working on secretive projects with Beedee more and more. He randomly appears in the hallways but I never know when he is coming or going. He is politely cool to me, but his eyes accuse me. I try to explain to him, but he finally turns to me and tells me he doesn't want to hear anything about it. I am not worth a few minutes to listen, to him.

I catch he and Johanna Mason acting flirty. Then I turn a corner one day and his hands are all over her. I don't know why it surprises me, but I am crushed and so angry at him. He knows she has been around and is fine with her flirting with half the men in the country, but he hates me for something that isn't even real.

Haymitch says it's my fault for not telling him the truth. He says I shouldn't have made him suffer so long. He's right I guess. I try three times to explain to him but I can't get my words to sound coherent even to me.

He says I made my choice and that is the end of any discussion. I stand there watching him walk away from me again and I laugh that I ever thought I meant something to him. I let Peeta suffer for my want of him and it was nothing to him but a conquest. The man who popped the Mockingjay's cherry had won his prize and discarded the rest. I head to Haymitch's room. I don't live in my room anymore. I don't live with Haymitch. I am noplace.

I don't even look at him. I simply begin to drink. I can't choke the brown spirit down fast enough. Haymitch takes the bottle from me. I glare at him and stand up.

"You have to slow down. This is getting serious Katniss. You can't consume these quantities and remain alive for long." Haymitch searches my face.

"It doesn't matter Haymitch. I don't care. Give it back or I will find something else." I see his anger and I step toward him. I stand on my toes and lean into him pulling him toward me, hungry to feel his mouth on me. He gives into my want but only for a moment. He pushes me away and turns his back on me.

"Katniss, you are a fool." He says.

"Haymitch, please." I say quietly. He remains with his back to me.

His head bends forwards. "No sweetheart. You will just end up hating me and making everything worse. I can't be responsible for destroying you."

I already am destroyed. But, I don't say it.

"If you're sure you don't want me, I will leave." I know that this is goodbye. I have only one plan, if even this unwanted drunk turns me away. I must be incapable of being wanted. Peeta wanted me once, but I destroyed that. Gale wanted me long enough to find out he didn't.

Now, I can't even get a sloppy drunk to bed me. Snow would have lost money on me if he'd done what he'd threatened. I didn't even ask Haymitch to love me. I only beg for comfort. I feel a peaceful detachment crawl over me as I look at him. Haymitch is too smart to get close to me. I am the girl on fire and destroy all in my path. He is a survivor. He knows pure destruction when he sees it and he wants nothing to do with it.

He says nothing. I nod my head. "Ok Haymitch. I won't ask again. It's not your fault. I don't even blame you for not wanting me." I pick up another bottle silently without his notice and I close the door to the restroom.

I look in the mirror and lock the door. I look down at the stupid little lock and smile and then open the vanity drawers, blocking the door from being kicked in or in his case picking the lock. I open the bottle and guzzle the contents until it turns my stomach. I try not to wretch.

I look to see what he sees. There is a pathetic picture staring back at me. My skin is splotch and sallow and my eyes have a dull stupid look to them. I am not worth taking for free. Ruined. I look seam. Not good enough. Plain. They have used me up and there is nothing left. "Killer. Just go before you destroy Prim too. You destroy everything." The letters are still here. No excuse to keep putting it off.

I think of Haymitch. He never wanted to be friends with me. He was forced. He was required to mentor us. Now, he is still required to constantly take care of me. He's stuck with me, like a rope around his neck. He is required to be my friend. Forced. Demanding him to want me is like treating him the same way I have heard that Finn was treated.

I had never told anyone what Snow said would happen if I didn't get married. I had heard whispers that Finnick was not as enthusiastic about his playboy lifestyle as he pretended. I had to wonder if I would have ever been pretty enough to manage even with a team of stylists. No, I was a bird too foul.

Haymitch's robe hangs on a hook. I remove the tie and make a slipknot on one end and tie the other end to the showerhead. I don't have a lot of room to work and have to stand on my toes to make the slipknot end fit over my head. I have to stand up straight to keep the short terrycloth belt from tightening on my neck uncomfortably. I drink the liquor swallow by swallow feeling the floor of the shower begin to roll beneath me as the alcohol begins to work on my mind. I lean on the wall as the first knock sounds on the door.

"Katniss, are you ok in there?" He's so annoyed with me. He won't have to be any more.

"I'm fine. Doing just fine now," I say with a genuine smile on my face. I hear his footsteps walk away from the door.

I feel the relief of my decision. I will pass out in a moment or two, quietly sinking into a peaceful eternity. I let things flash through my head. I breathe deeply, trying to focus on the good things I can remember. Time is gone for me as I see all the people I ever loved behind my closed eyes. I think of my father and hum our song. I pretend I am outside standing by a huge oak tree.

I hear a knocking again in the distance, as the makeshift rope begins to tighten I feel like I am floating and there is no pain, just a pulling feeling where the skin of my neck is being squeezed so tight.

"Katniss. Open the door. I don't care if you're sick. Open the door."

"I am fine. I will be done in a minute." I say clearly.

"Please let me in."

"Goodbye, sweetheart" I add hissing a strange froggy sound and smiling. I hear him picking the lock, and he curses as he discovers he still can't get in. "Surprise." My mouth makes the word but no air passes.

I can't hold the bottle. It slips from my fingers and makes noise as it strikes the plastic tub and rattles around near my feet. He hears the spirits make the clatter as they crash to the floor. He is pounding on the door now. I hear him calling me names from miles away. I am in the dark. I sink quietly down the wall as everything floats away.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author**: **Howlynn**  
><strong>Realm<strong>: _The Hunger Games_, Suzanne Collins  
><strong>Story Title<strong>: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon5  
><strong>Summary<strong>: Haymitch's famously secret tart  
><strong>CharacterRelationships**: Katniss and gale/haymitch/peeta/finn , lots of other off camera pairings

I** Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5<strong>

I open my eyes to the sound of his moans and can feel him holding me as he rocks me back and forth. We are in the same little bathroom, which is upside down to my blurred vision now. The door hangs crooked on only one of its hinges, smashed with great force. Haymitch's knee presses painfully into my spine with each of his rhythmic movements, but I don't know what is happening. His head is buried in my neck and my uniform is damp from his tears. He is sobbing so hard. I feel sticky and he seems to have leaked other moist substances on me. My lungs choke a demanding deep breath from my body and the movement startles him, cutting off the sound as he grabs my face and pulls my head up to examine me.

"Katniss." he hisses. His face is full of anger and sorrow.

I blink, then wretch as the alcohol burns my throat on its round trip. The vomit is all alcohol but a lot of it drenches us both in my return to the living.

I cry softly and sob of his betrayal. The acid vomit and snot, leaking from my nose, must make me look lovely. He bends me forward until I finish, his bathroom rug is not amused. I choke and cough in misery. I am mad too. "Why did you stop me? I was almost …"

"Damned you." He says through gritted teeth.

He lifts me up and puts me back in the shower. Holding me up in one arm like a limp rag, he wears no expression other than thankful anger. "It's ok. I've got you. It's ok." His voice is a gentle rasp and I am not sure which of us he's trying to convince.

He turns on the warm water and washes away the stench. He removes his own shirt and I let him wiggle me out of my stinking cloths. I continue to cry as he washes me gently removing the slimy mess from my skin and hair. I had wet my pants too. The disgusting smells give way to the smells of soap and shampoo. His eyes sweep me and he knows I am painfully aware we are naked in this tiny space.

My feet finally get under me shakily and bracing myself against the tile, I turn from him toward the showerhead. I look at the remnants of my wish still clinging as a stumpy knot with no promise on the other end. He'd cut me down too early. I fail everyone, even myself. I rinse my mouth over and over, keeping my head under the water so I don't have to face him.

He reaches around me and pulls the leftovers of his belt off the showerhead and turns off the water. I shiver in loss of my pride and fear of how he must hate me now. He drapes a towel on me and wraps one around himself.

He dries me off and then lifts me up and carries me to the bedroom and lays me in the jumble of his unmade bed. I won't look at him and blink slowly staring at nothing. Wrapped in towels, he lays next to me, wordlessly kissing my hair and eyes. His hands petting me, shaking his head at me, he is unable to say anything. Even his anger has fled as he waits for me to speak or move. I lay there with him like this for what seems like hours, his skin pressed to my own, but only in comfort and his fear that I will fall back into death if he separates from me.

He makes me sip orange drink. The sugar does make me feel better. I glance at him, and see his anger has melted into something almost like pity. It isn't what I want to see there. I sigh and whisper, "I didn't mean to make you hate me."

"I don't. Katniss, why?"

I don't answer. I don't have one and he knows most of them. He doesn't push.

I reach out finally and touch his face then move my fingers to his chest, twining my hands in his still damp hair. He is sweating. His breath is deep as if adrenaline still screams in him. His heart beats so hard; I can feel it as my face rests on his shoulder. I move my head slightly, touching his skin with my lips. My tongue slides between my lips, tasting his flesh, suckling the salty bitter sheen his fear has left behind. I can't help doing this; it isn't something I have ever done. But something in his scent is delicious to me and I begin moving my head, greedy for the tang of him.

My hands roam lower and his eyes close as a shaky sigh escapes him. He still bears the scars across his abdomen from when he'd been in the games. I saw the games and how he'd been holding his guts in at the end, but the massive puckering scars made his agony real. I trace them with my finger wondering why they had not returned his body to perfect like they had done with Peeta and I. I was not even alive when that happened, yet the torment is as vivid as if I were with him.

One of his hands leaves the comforting gentle hold he has embraced me in and he begins touching me in a different way. I shudder under his fingers and his head bends to my chest and his lips brush my naked skin first with a reverence, then gradually with more deliberate hunger. His lips are warm and I lay back, drawing him to move on top of me.

His hands roamed and I held my breath unable to move a muscle as his hands moved at the pace of moss up my leg and didn't stop as it slipped under the towel. He touches me and now my breath is beginning to lurch in and out in quick tiny silent huffs. He didn't blink as he slipped a fingertip inside me. "You're wet." He whispers and I am disappointed when he smirks and stops. He brings his finger to his nose and inhales, and then licks my slickness from his middle finger like I am a morsel. I think he wants to shock me. I am shocked, but I keep my face neutral as I finally let go of the breath I had held that whole time.

He leans back on his elbow and sighs. Hovering over me, he examines my too skinny carcass and finally meets my eyes. His breath heavy, tears fill his eyes, he looks at me for a long time, trying to make up his mind.

My own heart is thundering in my chest, I can't beg him with more than my eyes. I told him I would not ask again. I can't keep breathing if he doesn't continue. I would do anything to make him happy.

He sits up moving away from me and breaking contact. I wait a few breaths and realize he's not going to keep touching me. He's made up his mind. I have to accept it. There were women in the Hob, who were not pretty, yet men paid for them. It must have been a good thing I could hunt. He sits on the side of the bed, hanging his head in his hands.

His voice startles me. "I need to take you to the medical ward and have you checked over."

I lay quietly. I draw the sheets back around me staring at the ceiling. "No need to bother, I don't intend to get better."

He looks at me and I return his gaze with resolved hopelessness. "Katniss, you're a selfish bitch."

"Yes. I am. Sorry." His eyes roam over me as I crawl out of the bed. "I was stupid to think you might.." I move quickly once my feet are on the cold floor. Flinging clothes on that I had worn and discarded weeks ago, I refuse to look his way. It didn't matter that they weren't clean; I wasn't going to need them for long. I won't be found in the woods. I shouldn't have tried right in front of him. It was stupid.

I turn to leave the room. I stop and take a last look at him. "I'm sorry I wasn't pretty enough, even for free." My eyes drop to the floor, ashamed.

He moves quickly and pulls me to him roughly. "Is that what you believe? That I don't want you?"

"It's ok. Nobody does. How could they?" I admit honestly stating the obvious.

He shakes me. Not hard, but in frustration. "Are you senseless or just cruel, Katniss? I can't close my eyes for kicking myself for not forcing you. I think of it constantly. Whether you wanted to or not. I have dreamed of it in both contexts as you play with my sanity. I should take you right now, damned it. Even though I know it will destroy us both. Of course I want you, you little fool."

He shoves me away from him and keeps yelling at me. I take a step back, dumbfounded.

"You have taunted me since I told you, but the games are over. Push me away while you can, or live with what I can't fight another moment." He glowers at me as I try to understand what he's saying.

I don't say anything. Piece by piece I slip out of the rumpled cloths and stand there. Like the monkeys in the Quell, he doesn't make a move until I make eye contact. As soon as I meet his eyes he is on me.

His hands are like iron, shackling me and pulling me into his body. His face is a mask of barely restrained evil. He's quivering in his need and he kisses me hard as if there is no longer choice in him. His body crushes me to him and the demand of him is painful against me. My own breathing comes in gulps.

"If you stop this time. I won't ever come back." I whisper to him, pulling him to me so painfully a groan escapes me.

That sound seems to move him to final action. He lifts me to him, removes the final barrier between our skin and follows me down onto the bed demanding me with something near anger. My own need fills me with no ability to think beyond this desire to see his face as he and I find a place that has no thought to the pain of life. He pulls away again and looking in my eyes, pleading with me to say no, he whispers. "Last chance Katniss. It's not a game, sweetheart. I won't be able to stop. I want you more than life right now. Say no if you are not sure. I am at my point of no return. One more wiggle and I will take you."

I look in his eyes, embarrassed to look at him naked but determined to make him loose control. I touch the part of him most willing to show his need of me. A delicious moan escapes him, and I feel bold wanting to make him repeat that sound. Heat throbs as my fingers wrap around and circle the sensitive flesh. He returns my touch and opens my own desire to a new kind of greed. His head bends to me and his mouth and tongue gives me delightful thrill. I call his name as he finally sinks into me with a shuddering gasp. He looks in my eyes waiting for my reaction and he seems strangely bewildered.

At first his attention is pure hunger and demand. He is skilled and forceful. I meet his need with my own, clinging to life in the pleasure of his arms. I don't care what others want of me or who I am hurting. This is my need screaming for help and finding it in a place I would never have expected. I lost control of the sounds that I made at his skill, but the greatest pleasure for me was to see his face as he cried my name unable to control the joy he'd found in me.

I had never imagined his face so beautiful, but for that moment, the years of sorrow were wiped away. Who he could have been, could be seen. I was instantly addicted to causing that face.

That face told me he was not here out of hidden obligation. I had given him joy. I shivered in terror as the truth slammed into my heart. I am in love with Haymitch Abernathy. This is not comfort alone for me. I am truly, lost for all time. For once in my life, I don't wonder about how I feel. It is absolutely mercilessly true.

The afternoon passes in this way, each return of desire more languid and prolonged than the last. The gulf of our experience is evident in the way he guides me to passions I had never even imagined. Haymitch in ardor doesn't resemble himself. Gone are his sorrows and his sarcasms. He is a confident patient teacher and full of kindness.

I don't say anything to him as we lay peacefully afterwards. I am too wrapped up in the way hope feels as it washes my soul. I am savoring a new word in my life. Happy. The darkness of earlier, slithers away to pout and I laugh at how it is banished. Late in the night I drift away into blissful exhaustion, sleeping deeper than I had since before my daddy had died. His arms are all I ever needed.

When I wake, it is before dawn. I feel new and light and smile as I search for him. I pull his pillow to me, smelling the perfume we have left behind there. He's not in bed. Sitting up I hug myself and grin. I am in love with the most amazing man. I think of him and I want him again right this minute. I get up and walk naked and giddy, silly grin settled on my face, wanting to attack him in the shower.

Haymitch sits in a chair in the living room, drinking and sobbing. I go to him and put my arms around him. "Haymitch, what is it?" I fear he has had bad news. Maybe the rebellion has ended. Maybe we lost.

"I am sorry sweetheart, so sorry. It was unforgivable. You have every right to hate me." He shakes his head.

"Hate you? For what?" It must be something horrible, he didn't cry, even when he saw district twelve. The only time I had ever seen him cry was when he'd found me dead. He'd shed a few tears for Peeta, but he's falling apart. God, please don't say Peeta's dead. Someone has to be.

"Katniss, where do we go now? I have betrayed you in such a way that.."

"Betrayed? Did you miss my purpose in the bathroom yesterday?" My mind has to switch gears. There is bad news, but not from the world.

"Oh sweetheart, that was a moment of weakness. I could have comforted you in a thousand ways without taking advantage, the way I did." His head shakes and the bottle rests on his lips, the contents bubble.

"You regret yesterday?" I feel the darkness, hovering, laughing at me. Waiting for me to invite it home.

"It was a mistake. A horrible mistake."

He may as well have shot an arrow into my heart. The sensation took my breath, and I felt the darkness of the bathroom yesterday, flood my soul with dry unfeeling distance. Haymitch is ashamed that he had been with me. It was ok to pretend for the public, but he did not want go past pretend. He had just been weak for a moment and now he was afraid he was stuck with me. "Oh no." I whisper in despair and clamp my hand on my mouth to keep from screaming.

I swiftly dress. Haymitch watches silently. I kiss him, take a drink of his bottle and turn to leave. I won't be a burden much longer. I know what he really loves. He needs my image for his rebellion. He needs me to be his Mockingjay, leading the battles instead of being led by my nose. I will give him what he wants. I will give him the footage he needs. I can't expect him to love me. I just didn't expect instant rejection either.

"Katniss, I am sorry."

I smile instead of cry. "Don't worry about it. I thought maybe…"

"You thought what? That we could just make our convenient lie work out and when he's better, we could be pals again?"

I laugh, not willing to explain exactly what I had thought a few minutes ago. "I thought for once I hadn't done something stupid. You're right Haymitch, and I am always stupid. I get it. It was nice and I am not sorry, but I guess I know how Peeta feels now. Good lesson. I'm going crazy here. It's time I go do something useful. Bye, Haymitch."

He glares at me, "Where do you think you're going?"

"Don't worry, nothing like yesterday. District eight? Two maybe. Great place to get footage. " All he wants from me is his Mockingjay. I will give Haymitch what he needs. He needs great footage. He needs a martyr. I need to be far away, so I won't have to see the nothing in his eyes.

"Katniss…" He says brows furrowed.

"Don't worry, I will wear your stupid earpiece." I tuck a full bottle into my coat and grin. "One for the road. I will get you lots of good stuff, promise." I wink at him and close the door. I have to dart into a closet for about thirty minutes and when I was done letting it out, I swore I would never ever cry again. I sealed up the cracks of emotion stupid love caused and I found a nice buzz made all of it matter a lot less.

They are such nice willing to please people, these rebels. They love volunteer enthusiastic cannon fodder.

I put on the costume. I wonder if Cinna knew when he designed it, that I would die in it. He did what he could to make it hard to kill me. Maybe, he hoped. Peeta's room was my last stop. I kissed him goodbye and told him I was sorry for playing such terrible games with him. He didn't know I was there. My mother and Prim took the news of my departure well. Prim chastised me for smelling like Haymitch. I called her sweetheart, in a perfect imitation of him and it made her giggle.

The Mockingjay and camera crew watch out the window as district thirteen fades to the past. I am on a transport within hours. I am taught how to field strip my weapon on the way. I am certified without so much as a shot being fired. I would have liked to see his face when he found out how fast they accommodated me. If he knew, he didn't come to say goodbye. I put the earpiece in. I wondered if the last sound I would hear would be the one who I always disappointed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author: Howlynn  
>Realm: <strong>_**The Hunger Games**_**, Suzanne Collins  
>Story Title: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon6<br>Summary: Haymitch's famously secret tart  
>CharacterRelationships: Katniss and gale/haymitch/peeta/finn , lots of other off camera pairings**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6<strong>

I don't have to wait long before the earpiece crackles to life. It is a one-way communication except when the cameras are on. I wave for Pollux to send signal when I hear the tiny pop in my ear, followed by the crackle.

"You're live." He flashes with his hands.

I wave. I point at the earpiece and smile my fake 'for the cameras' clueless wide eyed sneer.

"I can see you. Are you alright, Katniss?"

"I am wired, hired and," I hold up the now half empty bottle to him in a toast, "Inspired. I guess they thought it would be ok if I joined the party." I wink and swig.

"You are not going to go out there and be stupid, I hope," Haymitch says with a tired voice.

I put on a icy grin that Finnick would have been proud of and blow a kiss to the camera. "I am going to do exactly what you want, Haymitch. Exactly."

There is a pause. "I am delighted to hear that. It would be the first time."

I look at the camera and my smile fades to a proud smirk. "Sorry I have been such a disappointment for you."

"Katniss," He begins then says no more.

"Yes, Haymitch?"

"I am sorry," he says carefully.

I tilt my head, confused. "Me too. About puking in you bathroom anyway." He will read between the lines, missing what I actually mean.

"If I had known you were leaving, I would have come to see you off." There is a slight accusation there.

I snort at him. "Yeah. No problem. You can see me off, when I get back." I imagine it will be a nice box, beings I am the Mockingjay. I chuckle at how hard it will be for him to think of something nice to say at the service and tip the bottle again.

"That doesn't make…Katniss what do you mean by that."

I lean into the camera, glaring at him. I speak low and slow, gritting my teeth. "I mean it's fine. It's all fine."

He sighs. "I hope so. I will check back in with you tomorrow."

"Counting on it." I widen my eyes sarcastically.

I stare out the window after we cut contact. I have the bottle finished by the time we land. I have another in my hand before dinner. District eight, District six, District two, I could always find a fight and a bottle. They were my two best friends until I got in a fight with Johanna and Finnick pulled us apart.

Haymitch kept me updated on Peeta. He didn't bring up what had happened between us and I couldn't do it, feeling like he'd rejected me. What I had found with him had changed me, yet he seemed only to want the subject to be forgotten. He only spoke of Peeta and I could only dream of Haymitch.

He guided me, soft voice in my ear, when we went out to shoot battle footage. I was actually more submissive to him now, trying not to displease him. It did no good, he just assumed it was because I feared the harness or the implants, but it was because I needed his voice in my ear. It felt intimate. His tone of voice was calm and soft exactly like it had been when he was with me and I craved his mouth speaking to me so much, that it made me weak to hear it even across the electronics he now used.

I found plenty to drink in two. I went to every battle with a little reminder of Haymitch singing in my veins. I had no fear and the footage I delivered was more than anyone could hope for. They didn't like me drinking, but they agreed not to cut me off, so long as I kept it together.

It was the only thing holding me together. Johanna Mason was assigned to my squad and we shared my booze, a history with Gale, and a mutual dislike for everyone including each other. Still, she was tolerable and few others were to me. When she stopped being tolerable, we tried to kill each other and both of us enjoyed blowing off steam once a week or so.

Somehow our antics became our normal and I learned to trust her. She was a pain but we fought for freedom with pure battle delight. We had both had our souls ripped out in different ways by the capitol and it gave us an advantage. I am calm and deadly and she is a psychopathic lethal warrior. She puts up with my celebrity status and I put up with her celebrity sexual encounters.

She read me too well. "You fell for him, for real, didn't you?"

I didn't answer, but gave her a look like she was insane and passed her the second bottle of the day. We had dealt with rain, hail and the threat of another 10 inches had our field camp battened down and bored. "You're drunk."

She laughed. "Not drunk enough, to not figure out what finally, is going to kill the great Mockingjay." She bounced her eyebrows at me and grinned.

"This keeps up it will be drowning." I point to the sky, take another gulp and hand her the bottle. "Don't think you know me, just because we have a mutual hobby."

"You even sound like him. That's funny." Johanna smirked at me and wiped her mouth on the back of her hand.

I grinned. "Shut up, sweetheart. He's too old, right? There isn't any future there. You said it yourself. Ewwwww?"

She laughed at my effort. "He was something once you know. He's not that old he's only forty-one. He so mean though. I mean he was the Finnick Odair of his day, until he found his true love." She raised the bottle.

"He's still something. Not sure what. But it's done now." I say looking up to keep the tears from embarrassing me.

She handed the bottle back to me and I used it to make the lump in my throat stop screaming. She watched me silently. "Hey, Katniss. I didn't mean anything. You got it bad, don't you? You really are out here with a death wish, aren't you?"

I shook my head in a way I am sure didn't convince her. "Just here to get the best footage possible and bond with all my friends. Little advice, don't get yourself killed trying to watch my back out here. Wouldn't want anyone to get in the way of a good promo. Don't be a martyr for the martyr."

She snorted her nose at me. "Yeah, screw them, make 'em work for it. He loves you? He said he did in the cafeteria."

"Not really. Nothing loves me. I have all the charm of, well, you." A dead slug is how I believe he put it. I smile at how much I hated him back then.

Before she can respond, Finnick pops open our tent and inhales. "I knew there was a bar full of lovely ladies somewhere in this Godforsaken joint." He piled in, getting his damp all over us, without waiting for any kind of invitation. "So what are we gossiping about other than my long list of broken hearts?"

Johanna immediately volunteers. "That Abernathy broke her's."

Finnick smiles his most charming smile and intercepts the bottle. "Well, he's been off the circuit for a while, but I can assure you that I am at your disposal for any comfort or assistance you could need," he purred seductively.

I gave him a look of disgust. "Nice to know true love is always such a letdown."

Johanna shook her head in warning. "Katniss. Finnick and Annie don't…"

I realize what she was saying and blush. "Oh. Sorry. I mean, I didn't know."

Finnick nods. "It's fine. Just habit Katniss. What happened? I really would help if I could?"

I laugh. "No, don't think there is much help for me. I seem to disappoint people in the area that you had such renowned." I need to shut up. I am way too drunk for this conversation.

He grins and his eyes flash merrily. "I could give you lessons. Teach you to kill the charming devil if you want."

I shook my head, knowing he was joking, or at least hoping he was. "Thanks, but I think I am going to be sick now," I say, escaping into the rain, leaving the two of them to do whatever they found entertaining.

I head into the woods alone. It is a stupid thing to do. I could get shot by a sniper or run into a trap and everyone would mourn if I bought it off camera.

On the phone with Haymitch, the conversation revolved around Peeta until I wanted to scream. Peeta opened his eyes. He blinked yes and no. He ate pudding. He spoke. Mr. Abernathy never mentioned what I was waiting to hear. I wanted him to tell me to come home. I wanted Haymitch to say he needed me. As far as Peeta being better, drunk Haymitch admitted he really wasn't better. Drunk Haymitch still didn't say he wanted me in any way. He did like to bellow about how I was not required to win the war alone. He did demand to know how much I was drinking. I lied and he would give me silence.

Gale sends confusing signals to me when I run into him here and there. One minute he's mad, and then he's kissing me. Then he is just friendly. We argue over his deathtraps. We argue over his plan to crack the Nut and bury people alive. We argue over Haymitch. I mouth off and tell him not to worry, because I had to be a horrible lay, I was kicked out of his rival's bed too. I meant it, but it strained us. He accused Haymitch of leaving the bruises on my neck when I arrived. I denied it, but refused to explain.

To further widen the gulf between myself and Gale and Haymitch, I stopped treating Finnick like he was joking. One night I was in our barracks, up on the roof with a bottle and it's already empty twin, when I hear the buzzer sound that the door is open. I stash the bottles out of sight until I see it is Finn. He isn't being his cocky self, tonight. He walks over to me and sits down. I don't say anything but just offer him a drink.

"I am hearing some rumors Katniss and I am worried they are true?

I sighed and shook my head. "What have I done now?"

"Katniss, you know I really am your friend right?"

"You smooched Peeta back to life, you are tops in my book Finny. Pals forever. You should get a medal for your sacrifice. The Slummed with the Mockingjay Medal of Bravery."

He sighs and just looks at me. "You're either drunk or your fighting."

"Usually, at the same time. Inevitably at the same time in fact." I giggle at how witty I can be.

He shook his head sadly. "Not funny Katniss. Tell me what happened. I mean it." He reaches out and takes my hand.

I look at his big hand but don't respond. He squeezes my fingers. I lean my head on the wall and close my eyes. "It doesn't matter Finnick. Be over soon. Don't waste your time with me."

He scoots over to me and takes me in his arms. I cry even though I said I wouldn't ever again, his kindness sucks me in. I didn't sob or make any noise but I shook. I told him the truth about my mentor and me. I told him that I was stupid and couldn't please a man. I laughed and confessed that even he couldn't fix me.

When he kisses, me I let him. He asks me questions and I do the best I can to explain that I had tried so hard with Gale and Haymitch, and had been so disappointing, that they had not put up with me for long.

"What about Peeta? He was happy?" he asks softy.

I look in his eyes and shake my head. "We never…"

This surprises him, and then he seems angry. "You were never? Because of Haymitch?"

"I wasn't with Haymitch."

"But in the Quell you were…" He is confused.

"Pregnant? No. I hadn't ever even…"

"You were a virgin when you went into the Quell?" He confirms.

I nod.

I feel him stiffen. I sit up and look at him confused. "I'm sorry. It wasn't my idea to lie to everyone. It was sort of a surprise for me too."

"No Katniss, that isn't what, makes me mad. There were some rumors about me. Before the games, before I met you. It was something I was being blackmailed into, but it was really bad. Your lie got me out of having to see it through. Let us be allied instead." He is being careful in his wording.

"You were supposed to hurt me weren't you?"

"Yeah. Badly. I had no choice until Haymitch had Peeta announced the pregnancy. I had met you by then and I was trying to figure out how to explain, so you would know ahead and try to avoid me." He confesses. "Nobody wanted to see it after they thought you were going to have a baby. Some things are even too unsavory for the Capital." He rubs my back softly and I sigh.

"It's ok. I imagine it would have been to save your Annie?"

He nodded. "I am mad at Haymitch and Peeta. They knew and they let you go in a virgin. They took a chance it would have been all you knew. I couldn't have survived it Katniss. Not to be your only time in that way. Haymitch nearly beat me to death over it. No wonder." He smiled. "I might have let him if I had known. Annie would have seen and I would have rather been dead then let her see. I have never seen him so angry."

"Not worth it. Trust me. He wouldn't now."

"I don't understand. Do you find no enjoyment in the act? Haymitch had something of a standing among us. I find it hard to believe he could not bring you up to expertise with a little instruction," Finnick says delicately.

I blush. "I enjoy it very much. Maybe that is what I do wrong? I would give anything…doesn't matter now. I did something wrong, but I don't know what, so I am not sure it is fixable. It must be horrible because he wanted me and that happened and then he didn't. One night stand bad."

"The two of you were together for some time. You seemed very happy. Only Once?" His confusion is adorable.

"One night. Not one time. The night before I came here. The reason I came here." I shrug at him.

He sighed in frustration. "Did he say why?"

"Told me I was just a terrible mistake and it would never happen again. Took hanging myself in his bathroom to talk him into it in the first place. I'm not pretty or anything, so it was just a pity thing or something." I don't have any idea why I am telling Finnick all this. But maybe he will be warned and I won't lose a friend.

He studies me. Then drops his eyes, not looking at me, except to cast almost shy glances at me as he spoke again. "Katniss, I am at a loss. Would you consider allowing me to help you? I don't want to seduce you because I care about you, but I can't guess without some idea where you are."

"That's easy. I am a Button," I say with a giggle.

"I don't know what that is."

"You might think she's lovable, but-in the sack, she's a slug. I am a Button." I grin at him. "Johannaisms do have use!"

"Shoulda known. Sounds like her. So will you let me help you?"

I shook my head at him like he had lost his mind. "You want to sleep with me to teach me how not to be a Button? No. I would just lose a friend too – I don't dare and it would serve no purpose. I already blew it. I'll never lay eyes him again Finnick. Even if I do see him – he's not going to give me a second chance. I am here for the footage. Do you understand what I mean? Faster I get it, less I need any instructions. False hope and seeing you laughing at me? No thanks, I will just go out pathetic."

"So the rumors are true." His eyes darken and I see his face become turbulent.

"Just go away, ok? I have been on one path since Prim's name was drawn. Tired of fighting it. Just going with it and accepting. I 'm having a nice drink out here, all by myself, and not bothering anybody. I 'll do what I can to make it worth something then…."I pause having no more to say. My bottle is dwindling quickly and this conversation is disturbing my blackout. I guzzle half of what is left.

We sit there for a while. He takes me up on the drink. He is holding my hand and he pulls out a pair of clippers and begins clipping my ragged damaged nails. I look at him and shake my head.

"I could teach you to seduce him. I could get you your second chance. Please don't give up so easily. If you do, he beat me up for nothing." Finnick demands my other hand, batted his lashes at me.

I smiled a little and comply by handing him my other hand. "Finnick, that is the worst man charm I have ever seen. Does that get capital girls to moon over you? You look silly."

"It's actually the nail clipping that wins their hearts. Shhh. Don't tell!" His eyes never lift from his careful service.

" You are pretty. I am not. I don't need any more pity thank you. I also am not ok with Annie, just so you know. I might see her again and it would hurt me that it could hurt her, ok?"

"Annie knows. Kat I have never had a choice. This is my choice, but I am not interested in playing with your heart. There would be pleasure involved perhaps, but we would be the same after. I would be your friend. Remember when I taught you the knots, during the bombing? Think of this like that. Love is a little passion and a lot of skill. If it hadn't been for you back then, I am not sure Annie would have me. I was worse off than you are right now. You were my only friend. I mean, sure there are girls who want to use me or demand to own me, but people who like me without expecting things? I don't have so many. The Quell was expensive for me in that department. I think you're beautiful and I want to help. I am not trying to trick you. But if I can give you the skills to want to stay alive, to make you stop thinking you have no ability, then I would find pleasure in that."

I looked at him still unconvinced. He kissed me again and I was surprised to feel my heartbeat quicken and my own slight stir. I looked at his sea green eyes and I wondered what it would be like to seduce Haymitch just one more time. That brought a little smile and I whispered "maybe."

"No pressure. Think about it. If you decide, you have to come sober. It's cold, I am taking you in and putting you to bed." He seemed satisfied that I would consider it.

"Wait. You would still be my friend. After?. No matter how bad? No matter what? I have lost two friends this way. I don't have so many either you know. Not worth it, to lose one."

"Will I have to visit the infirmary afterwards?"

"I don't have anything for you to catch," I say shocked at his question.

He snickered, "No, I mean for repair."

I had no idea what he meant. "If you bat your eyelashes at me again, I might beat the crap out of you. Hey, that reminds me. How did Haymitch beat you up?"

"Noted. Then, yes, I am sure we will still be friends after… And he fights dirty of course. Your little pal Gale, would have been a good match, but I would have still bet on Haymitch any day." He laughed.

"Funny, he seemed pretty lame when Peeta was training us." I remember.

"Never underestimate him Katniss. He counts on it," Finn whispers dramatically with deadly sincerity.

We headed downstairs. I am drunk. Help is appreciated. "You know Finnick, In the Quell I almost shot you about a half hour into the game."

"Yeah. Thought so. Glad you took a chance. I figured you had heard the gossip."

"Nope. Nother of Abernathy's little Katniss bombs." I laughed too shrill, but he smiled indulgently.

Johanna didn't say a word as Finnick tucked me in. She smirked as he tenderly sang one of his sea chanteys to me and kissed me on the forehead.

I did show up at Finnick's room, relatively sober and absolutely mortified. The first three evenings we barely touched. He taught me how to flirt and how to make my eyes smolder. He showed me the subtle touches of public seduction. He taught me how to leave double meaning in innocent words and how to move in such a way that I allowed glimpses of my body.

I felt like I was in a new version of the games, being prepped for death. I was kissed and that was all. I have to say the subject and the constant closeness to Finnick had me winding up. He was a perfect gentleman.

"None of this will help, if I can't figure out what I am horrible at," I say frustrated on many levels.

Finnick handed me a drink and said, "Next on the agenda. Are you ready for a little fun Katniss, you have been working very hard."

"Ok." I sigh hoping I can do this.

"Take off your clothes for me, Katniss." His eyes were half-lidded and I thought I could see lust there.

I began undoing my outfit. I kicked off my boots.

"This is not a healer's visit, Katniss. Seduce me. Make me want you. Tease me."

"What should I do, I don't know how?" I admit. It took me two hours to undress to Finnick's satisfaction. He circled me almost as Cinna had once. I somehow felt he was fooling me and this would be a great joke between he and Johanna.

"I still don't see it. Ok, Katniss lets see where you are. It is fine if you wish to pretend I am Haymitch, I won't be offended. Lay down on the bed and we will begin."

He undresses and I can't help but marvel at his beautiful skin and muscular frame. Haymitch is sexier to me, but Finnick was very beautiful. He lay next to me giving me helpful ideas for heightening desire and prolonging the act itself. Finally he bent to me and asked if I felt comfortable enough to continue.

He'd made me lay with him naked all this time and it almost felt easy. His eyes never left my face without purpose. He felt like a doctor.

I grin at him and pull his face to me. My passion rose quickly and I lost my modest demeanor completely at this point. Honestly, I thought this was my last hurrah and I gave Finnick the things I want to give Haymitch and the things I should have given Peeta. I got quite the lecture on pleasure theories and reading stages.

His instructions end and we explore each other's pleasures playfully. When he finally presses himself against me, I rose to envelop him. Shuddering as he fills me, I lost myself in sensation and he is as skilled as the one I truly desired in offering me release. We glisten in our relaxed fulfillment. I was drowsy as my breath calms and he and I lay tracing each other's skins in invisible patterns of bliss.

I forget this is simply an instructional session and kiss his chest and stomach before using my tongue to prepare him and tease his flesh to return to desire. He sighs and groans as I used my lips and mouth to add to his pleasure and as he again found release, I taste the heat of him and refuse to stop until he is spent. He grins at me and flips me onto my back bending his face to my places of need and dining on me until I beg him to never stop. When he kisses me again, he tastes of the pleasure he has given me and I soon found him probing me and filling me with his delightful flesh once again.

I lay on his chest curled to him exhausted and not even wanting a drink for once. "Thank you Finnick, you are magnificent and so kind. I see why they all fall for you. I am sorry it probably wasn't so great for you."

I thought he was asleep when he didn't respond, then he touched my cheek and I saw his brilliant ocean green eyes looking at me in confused mirth. "Katniss what idiot ever told you, you didn't know how to please a man?"

"They didn't have to tell me – they leave me afterwards. I must be terrible if they don't ever want me again." I tell him truthfully.

"Can I tell you something without upsetting you?" He whispers as if he has a secret.

"It is why I am here. I would rather know what is so dreadful." I say swallowing and feeling Goosebumps rise in fear.

"I am going to have a hard time giving you up, girl on fire. I have been at this, in a way that is forced for so long, I rarely find any delight in it at all. I perform. I did not perform this night Katniss. I do take the small pleasure, when I find it possible, but not like this. I have not truly lost myself in someone in a very long time. Tonight you brought me ecstasy three times and I almost lost contol. Abernathy has mislaid his mind. If he can shun you my dear, he's finally pickled his brain. As for the other one, he will lament his loss someday." He pets my hair and his eyes are soft in contentment.

"You mean I am ok?"

"You're amazing, Katniss." He smiles and shakes his head at me.

"Then I don't understand. We went to sleep happy, and he woke up mad."

He shook his head, still baffled and said, "We will figure this out. Had I known your skill with a bow could be matched in other areas, I would have seduced you at the games and let them put us on the feature of all the smutty channels."

I yawn. "That is a gross complement." I drop into dreams of my Haymitch. He wanted me in my dream and had never sent me away.

The next morning I awaken to see Finnick staring out the window. I sigh, knowing the look means trouble. I sit up in utter misery. He turns and drops his eyes.

"Don't bother Finn. I know the look. Just, at least tell me what it is?" I stand up and begin pulling my clothes on, hoping for a hot-action front line today. Hell a friendly fire accident would be welcomed.

"Wait did I miss something? You are mad at me?" He sips from a cup of coffee. He pours me one and adds sugar without asking.

"No. I am not mad at you. But I can see it on your face. You aren't bawling at least but…"

"You made Gale cry?" Finn asks impressed.

"Not Gale. He's more the sullen ignore you type."

His eyes narrow, and he smirks. "Impossible. Haymitch doesn't cry. Ever."

I take a deep breath, trying to figure out what that means. "Good to know."

"Ok, are you saying that you saw him cry?"

I nod. "Twice." I flop down in a chair. "He was crying the next morning. Saying how sorry he was and that he regretted it happening and all that. But the bad one was when he found me dead in his bathroom, just before it all happened. I hung myself. He bashed in the door. I guess I wasn't dead enough when he cut me down, because I started breathing again. He was pretty upset that his little symbol had croaked off camera. Cried before and after you could say." I say this as dryly as possible. "So what's your grand dump Katniss plan?"

He shook his head. "That's just it. There is nothing wrong with you for me to fix Katniss."

"Oh. Well that's not so bad then." I say brightening a little.

"It is bad. I told you I would not play games with you. So I had to be honest. But, here's the problem. I want to see you again." He watches me.

"You mean?" A little smile plays on my face.

"I want to have sex with you again, often. But I have no excuse to pass it off as instruction. I can, but not really."

"I don't know what to say, Finn. It was very nice. I love Haymitch. I don't want to hurt Annie. Could I ask? I mean why you and she…"

"A long time ago we did. But she's not been…and I have. It's complicated. I am going to ask her to marry me. I want to wait," he says fumbling for his words.

"So how do we explain me?"

He hesitates. "Do you want to have sex with me again, Katniss?"

I can't meet his eyes and I turn fever red. "Yes. I am very lonely and you are the first person who…."

"Does the prospect of us being together in a friendly comfort way, without the intent of a long term relationship based on eventualities, make you feel more or less likely to hang yourself in the near future?" He is so direct with his words even though his eyes keep flicking away from me.

"I guess I could hang around for a while, if you wanted me to?" I playfully tease.

He smiles, his real smile at me. His sweet, kind smile. This one reaches his eyes unlike his fake one he shows everyone else. "Then I am obligated to do everything in my power to keep you alive. I would be a terrible friend if I did otherwise."

I nod seriously. "I think that beings I have been so deficient in the alive department lately, I may need a booster shot. Strictly to get me , all caught up on the self-preservation vaccines. "

Finnick looks at me and a grin pulls the left side of his face into a natural quirky charisma that he rarely shows. "Are you saying I didn't wear you out last night?"

"Sorry. Not even close." I brag.

He puts his hand on my forehead and frowns. "Definitely contagious. I recommend you stay in bed all day"

I followed Doctors orders.

Finnick and I keep our private sessions private. I like having someone to hold me, but it didn't mend my want of Haymitch. Johanna is the one exception to the no tell rule. Johanna is too nosy to have been kept out of the loop. By the second night I spent with Finn, she has it all figured out.

"So, is Finnick getting you all settled in with the fine arts classes?" she says sweetly during our lunch one day.

I chew my lip but say nothing.

She does not take the hint. "Finn is Fintastic but of course Haymitch is better."

"Is that hearsay or personal experience?" I demand expecting to embarrass her.

"Experience, of course."

"You have…" I search for a word, beings we are in the busy cafeteria. "taken classes with Haymitch, and Finnick?"

"So have you." She points out.

"You said Haymitch was mean. And old."

"He is. He's also a renowned artist. You're not the first little girl to get a case of Hay-fever." She smirks. "Seems like we keep getting more and more in common. Well, I'm off to go play in the storm."

"It isn't raining." I say with disgust.

She looks up at the sky. Her lips curl with amusement. "No ocean either, but you're still surfing."


	7. Chapter 7

**Author: Howlynn  
>Realm: <strong>_**The Hunger Games**_**, Suzanne Collins  
>Story Title: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon7<br>Summary: Lessons with Finnick  
>CharacterRelationships: Katniss and gale/haymitch/peeta/finn , lots of other off camera pairings**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 7<strong>

Finnick smiles differently at me now. He didn't constantly flirt and paw me around others. Our secret was ours alone and somehow made our friendship deepen without crossing any boundaries of the heart that could be harmful. Finnick loved Annie, and I loved Haymitch and in the absence of true fire, we found light anyway.

Haymitch is being really belligerent and grouchy with me one day after I had rushed a pod of snipers up on a ridge. I had spotted them and dropped back with two others and my camera crew. They were hard to see, but had not covered their firearms and as they had set up to ambush our patrol, I had seen the flare of sun on metal. My squad sat just out of sight as we circled around. I took out three of them with silent arrows, before they knew there was a problem. They heard nothing, just one started screaming, then I got two more twitching before Campell sprayed them with lead. The last guy was rushing us when his weapon jammed.

It was great footage, with a close up of the last guy coming at me swinging his rifle at me like an ax. He'd actually caught me in the head and I had to get stitches, but as he'd clipped me, I had brought my 9 inch blade up and slid it between his 5th and 6th rib, just off his left armpit. He lasted almost three minutes. We recovered twelve long rifles and a store of ammo. My head wound looked really gory, beings it was just above my ear and the cut made a small flap. I walked into camp with it looking like my ear was coming off. Wasn't like it was Haymitch's ear, but he was screaming at me to drop back as I did everything but.

After they finished showing me getting stitches, I drug Johanna and Finnick into the shot and we sung a raunchy tune about a guy who's many ex lovers all get together and plot to teach him a lesson.

_Ole man Mitchie was a drunken sot_

_He played his banana til he was taught_

_Don't kiss de girls an make-em cry_

_Day get you back an day not even try_

_Two ole lovers meet up at de store_

_Ole man sample to De nother shore_

_Dem dem girls they is no forgot_

_That be de startin of a whole other plot_

_Cry cry mercy, cry cry mercy, cry cry mercy or yar nanner gonna rot!_

Of course any name could be added to the old man part, which was why it was funny, and each time another lover was added, the stanzas changed as well. The three of us blew kisses to Haymitch, after the song, just like drunken capitol brats. Of course the lyrics were a little more cutting to one member of the audience, beings all three of us had sampled from the Haymitch shore at some time in the past. The message is clear, sweet little Katniss knew and so did Mason and Odair. The broadcast ended with Finn and Johanna both kissing me on the cheek and winking at the camera.

Yes, I dealt with a bear for a few days, but it was worth it. I called Beetee personally and had him make copies and I heard that it became fashionable to randomly insert this bit of footage into Capitol broadcasts. They called it Mitch-rolling. There is a price on our head that could buy the recipient, the entire district of his choice.

I didn't take long after that to find trouble in District Two. Gale is leading the mission to break the 'Nut' once and for all. He and I have fought about the survivors and I am furious with him. I think they deserve a chance to surrender and he says we don't have the resources to house and feed a camp of Capitol pet POW's. I want them on our side to fight. These are district people who may be different but were also just the pawns of a dictator like we were.

Haymitch agrees with me, but we have a sneaky plan. I am going to get in the way and try to negotiate. I wish Peeta were here. He could do it better. I think it is all under control and that Haymitch and his manipulative ways are going to save the day for a lot of people. I am saving life for once instead of being the girl with a sickle. One moment Haymitch is giving me instructions and the next minute I watched myself get shot on television.

Bullets thump one- two into my chest and abdomen, like a heartbeat gone wrong. I spin at the impact, sinking to my knees. It doesn't hurt at first and I wave a little trying to catch my breath and get back up. I look down and I can't seem to balance well as the pain grows slowly at first then erupts. The pain tells me what my mind isn't understanding. I'm dead. I did it this time and oh god, make it hurry. It hurts like stubbing your toe and then doing it harder with each beat of your heart.

As I fall, still desperate to keep standing for some reason, another pain slams into my brow, knocking me backward. I lay on the tarmac for a few minutes in a soundless chaos. Pain is the brightest color in the world. There is horror on Finnick's face as he runs to me in slow motion. I close my eyes as the hot pavement dampens with the blood pouring from my head. I know what the horrible headache means. I smile a little as I imagined Haymitch's lips kissing me goodbye. I want a drink and to hear him call me sweetheart just once more.

I hear him screaming instead. My legs are folded behind me at the knees and my body is twisted and feels like it has exploded. I didn't save them. The survivors will be killed and there is nothing I can do. It doesn't matter to me anymore. There is only one thing left for me to do. I look around for my camera crew. Haymitch's voice booms with curse words and orders. He's shouting to others to get me out of there, but I don't feel any fear or urgency. I see the camera and I mouth to him, "Haymitch, I love you."

Then in my ear the static clears. "I love you too, sweetheart. Hang on. Hang on. God Katniss! Please hang on – I will get you…" I sigh taking that one word into the darkness with me. I wrap myself around that one word that means everything to me. _Sweetheart._ Finnick is panting my name as he lifts me. I want to tell him it's ok, they finally got their footage. I can't move my mouth and I am just too sleepy as I begin to shake apart in his arms.

I open my eyes painfully. Haymitch is sitting beside me his head bent to the bed. I close my eyes again and reach toward him. I feel his hands take mine and he whispers my name, but I can't force myself to respond in my exhausted drugged state. I am not sure how much time passes but his voice, soft and pleading is the next thing I know.

"Please fight, sweetheart. You can't leave me. Open your eyes. Give me a chance. Give me a reason to exist. I have no right to demand it Katniss, but please live. Stay? I love you little Mockingjay – May god have mercy on me, but I love you, more than anything." I hear sobs. There is warmth on my hand and I try to squeeze it. I fade into the dreams again, not sure what is real and what isn't.

I dream of Haymitch. I call to him and sometimes he is there, only I can't get him to see me. But, I hear him, speaking softly in my ear and drawing me to him. I fight the pain to listen. I exist in pain for the hope of his voice. I know when it stops, I can leave, yet I won't allow myself to go while I feel him near.

Bristly whiskers on my lips and the overwhelming smell of Ripper's best mash. My eyes fly open and he is there above me looking like hell with a side of sin. His eyes are so bloodshot he nearly glows and his skin is a yellow pallor. I smile at my beautiful Haymitch and try to whisper that I love him.

"Sweetheart? Sweetheart can you hear me? Do you know who I am?" His calloused hands enclose my face and light burns in his eyes as I try again to make the noise that belongs to this one I love. "Hay."

He drips a few drops of liquid on my lips. It is just water but it burns my chapped lips. "A drink." I manage and he knows I don't want water. He looks sly, glances at the cameras and leans into me and removes his flask from his pocket. He only allows me about three drops but the warm liquor screams down my throat in a delicious way and I finally manage to swallow.

"I love you too." I say finally and his eyes widen.

His lips brush mine again and he whispers, "Never scare me like this again."

I can't help but laugh and that was when I realized how wrong I felt. I moved the sheet down and found a network of tubes. It frightened me and my legs tried to escape this horrible sight. I couldn't breathe and I whimpered as I realized all the tubes trapped me.

He is there petting my hair and reassuring me. "It's Ok sweetheart. You had a lung collapse from the bullet impact. They nearly took you from me, but it's all going to be fine. I promise. This looks worse than it is. If you know who I am the rest is just.."

"Ugly Frosting?" I try to smile at him but it is more of a sob.

The owner of the tubing did not share that looks 'worse than it is' opinion. I never felt so helpless and gross. Blood and other fluids drained from my chest and the removal of the apparatus was almost worse than the shooting. By the time I was up and around I was lost to everything but Haymitch. I had no idea I could love anyone as much as him. When I was released from the hospital wing my things were waiting on me. I was home. There is no discussion; I just live with Haymitch now. I look around confused.

He smiled sheepishly, asking if it was ok that he had made these arrangements. I gaze around at the small apartment, it was cleaner, but my things made no significant dent in the décor. The only thing I had, stood before me, clean, well groomed and reasonably sober. He brooded as I sat regarding at him.

"Are you sure you want me here? I'm still a danger to you. If the rebellion doesn't work, you know what they will do to you. I would understand if you wanted me to go away," I say not meaning it.

" I want you here and safe. You know that. If the rebellion fails, this may be all the time we get. I need you." He says soft but firmly. There is sarcasm in his voice but no demand.

"I thought I was a mistake?"

Pain flickers in his eyes. "Yes, the worst kind to make."

"No strings. I'm not asking for anything like that." I don't want him out of obligation. I wish he'd be a little more up front now that I am awake. I don't know what he's thinking or if I just dreamed the things I think he said.

He nods and his gray eyes are placid. "It may be too late in my case. Anything you want, sweetheart."

"I still plan to kill Snow Haymitch, can you let that happen?" I cut to the doom hanging over us.

"We will see, you may not be well enough to storm the capital, it's already in the works." He says satisfied it won't be an issue.

"I am going, no matter what. I don't want to lie to you. I don't have time for it Haymitch. I love you like nothing I can explain, but I owe Peeta. Snow destroyed him."

"Maybe I will go with you then." He opens a bottle and offers me a drink.

"That won't work Haymitch – you have to guide me, not stand in harm's way."

He shuts me up by kissing me. My need outweighed my soreness and pain. I plummet into the infatuation I had found in this dear broken man and he fell into my need with the gentlest attention I could imagine.

After we made love he nestled to my shoulder being careful to keep pressure off my injured body. "I never meant to reject you sweetheart. Forgive me for being such a fool. I thought I was your consolation prize. I thought you were basically self-destructing and I was just another part of your torture. The age difference and our rather stormy friendship, I couldn't believe you could care for me."

"I love you. I loved you enough to do everything I could to get you the martyr footage you want. I keep dying and you keep pulling me back here."

He takes my words carefully. "You can see me off when I get back. You flat out bloody well told me what you were up to didn't you. Dammit Katniss. Dammit to hell." His eyes look at me so betrayed.

"I didn't lie. I did plan to come back. In a box."

"How could you do that to me?"

I look in his eyes and laugh at him. "To You? Let's see. You know I've lost Peeta and Gale. You know I've fallen for you and you treat me like I am hideous. Great joke to fake it with me, but I am too horrible to actually want. Then you do want me. Then not. You kiss me and push me away until I can't survive any longer.

'You break a door down to stop me and I have one night of absolute magic and I feel this strange word the next morning. Happy. So happy I can't wait to please you again. I think we are about to be captured from your reaction. Then it is explained to me that I am a horrible mistake and you never ever want me again. So I am thinking about things and realize you never wanted to be my friend. It was forced on you. The only thing you want is the Mockingjay. You need good footage and President Coin has mentioned several times that dead symbols are as useful as live ones. Everyone getting to see me die will please you.

'So, beings I am less than even a hob-whore in your book, why not. A dead Mockingjay should be easy to deliver. It is war. I have fallen in love with you and if that's what you need for the rebellion to succeed. No downside for me beings I wanted to be dead and you didn't want me dead off camera. Long as there was a good promo, you were happy, I was happy. Everybody gets what they want"

"I think I am going to be sick." His eyes roll up in his head. I watch him. "How can you be so wrong about everything in the universe?"

"Am I wrong? If you are so smart, why don't you see me. Why don't you imagine. You're not a little boy Haymitch. Surely you can see when a woman loves you more than existing." I say hatefully handing his words right back to him.

"I have been miserable without you." He blinks and swallows.

" You should have told me. I have more bad news. I have not been the same since I was away Haymitch. I didn't plan to come back and I have…done things that will hurt you." I admit not meeting his eyes.

"Did you fall in love with Finn, sweetheart?"

I look at him and gasp fearfully. "No. I don't want to lie and you find out later. I have been with him. It isn't love, but I haven't spent these months alone. It was…"How did I explain what it was, when it had long ago stopped being a simple teaching situation?

"If you did, you will have to get over him, you know."

"Haymitch he's only my friend and he tried to help me learn how to win you back. He's wonderful, and I would never hurt him, but he's not you. Please. I don't know how you found out but.."

"I found out straight from the fish's mouth Katniss." There is a little broiling something there that I don't understand.

My face scrunches in humiliated betrayal. Finnick told on me? "I should have known. I will learn not to trust anyone someday." I realized that this would have other implications and my heart sunk. Haymitch must hate me and this was some horrible joke on me. "Everything you said to me in the hospital was a lie wasn't it. I imagined it. I am just footage to you aren't I?"

Haymitch sat up like he was escaping an ant den. "Katniss. How can you say that to me."

"I slept with Finnick. Must be funny to you, knowing that I am so desperate to have you I would take…lessons. You said what you thought would keep me alive for your precious rebellion. I am the frosting. I am nothing but Haymitch's Mockingjay. Is that what I am Haymitch? You should have let me go. Martyrs are easier to control then live girls, even weak sick ones."

He cocks his head with a light wobble and a neck roll, in that very snotty Haymitch way. I think of it as an impact warning for when he drops a bomb on Katniss.

His eyes are full of hard amusement and I hate his face when this expression settles there. "You haven't done the math yet, have you sweetheart? Finnick mentoring you in the art of sexual pleasures is just laughable."

"Great, another stupid thing for my list. The next time I take a lover, should I wear my earpiece so you can direct? Or did you already have it implanted. Oh yeah, Johanna mentioned that you were better. She and I seem to have a lot in common," I spit with cruelty.

He smiles with mean distaste. "Who do you think mentored Finnick and Johanna into the survivability of a victor's fate? What do you think I have done to keep you from that same destiny?"

I started to snap something horrible in return but then it dawned on me what he really inferred. They would have sold Peeta and I too. "Haymitch, did they do that to you? Did they sell you?" A certain standing among us. Hay-fever. Off the circuit.

"Yes." Haymitch drops his eyes and his face hard but he chews his lip with regret at the admission.

"You lied to me? I ask you. The day they rescued Peeta. You lied?"

"Of course I lied. My details would raise Finn's eyebrows in horror and worse, pity. It is not the business of anyone. Not even yours at that time."

"They sold you like that? Like they were going to do us? Like Finn?"

He snorts air through his nose and crosses his arms. "Brutally and in every cruel way imaginable. I started a rebellion to keep it from happening to you. Long before you ever looked at me with more than disgust, I was watching over you with a heart too worthless to seek hope in your eyes. But always my heart truly loved you Katniss. Not the same thing as rejecting you and using you and bedding you in selfishness. Fearing your hatred above all evil fate, I cursed myself for giving into what I wanted. I never meant to harm you.I wanted you more than my life, but not more than yours. I couldn't dream you would go to such measures. You loving me? In my mind it was impossible."

My mind whirls with this information. Snow hurt everything I loved. He destroyed Peeta, made a slave of Finnick and nearly stole his ability to find any pleasure in sex. Worst of all, he had done that to my Haymitch. "Oh God, Haymitch? No." It was a wail that erupted from deep in me. I could not control my powerful hatred of the capital then. I would kill Snow if it were the last thing I did.

"No Sweetheart, don't cry. I am sorry. I am not mad at you. I love you. Shhhh." He murmurs.

"I am so sorry Hay. Please. I didn't understand any of that. I heard you in the hospital. I fought to find you. You made me not want to leave. I had a free pass but you were so sad, I couldn't leave you."

We talk and cry. By the time I rest I have a very different view of Haymitch, Finnick and what it is possible to survive.

I mend and so does Finnick. Haymitch shows me the footage of my shooting. I watch myself speak to Haymitch. There was nothing attractive about the way I looked. My face is distorted and bloody, my chest is caved in and if I were placing a bet, I would say that girl is dead. Finnick looks insane as he reaches me. He screams at the sky. "Are you happy you drunken bastard!" Haymitch flinches and swallows a gulp of his drink, smirking. I see myself trying to speak and I can hear Finn screaming my name. He's telling me he loves me and the bastard isn't worth this. He's screaming no over and over as his shoulder explodes. His face is shocked and he tries to take a step but his leg doesn't support him and down we go hard. He crawls on top of me as if protecting a child and his eyes are wild as he shoots, then he simply closes his eyes and fades as if dying. Johanna reaches us and she begins her battle of protecting the dead bodies of her friends. We both would not have made it without her belief.

For a few weeks we were cloaked in perfect happiness. We ate in the cafeteria and people had finally accepted us as a couple and not just a horrible joke. That long stomped on banished word crept back and moved in with me. Happy.

_**(Book two –Chapter one –' Gone Fishing' takes place here**)**_

I bicker with Johanna about what she did for Finnick and me. She punches me and tells me I am welcome then promises she won't ever do it again. My anger at her risky behavior is all the thanks she needs. I don't know how to explain Johanna and myself. I think she might be the best friend I ever had. She and Gale seem casual, but I realize just about the time I stop hating her for stealing him, that she is only pretending that he's just some guy to her. Johanna is in love. I plan and execute remarks of torture and she and I refresh each other's black eyes like we have found religion.

I plan to have a talk with a certain seam boy. He better not break her heart. Gale is mortified when I catch him butt-ass naked in a darkened room one morning just before a conference Coin has called to discuss rebel strategy and the latest Intel on Snow's forces.

"Oh good. I am so glad I found you Jojo? I should have known to look under rocks. Do be on time? Coin looked cranky at breakfast," I say standing there openly admiring Gale's muscular buttocks.

"Shit. Catnip!" he croaks before turning and, panic in his eyes, he tries to cover himself.

"Don't be shy Hawthorne. Nothing I haven't seen before. " I purr in a tone Finnick taught me that would sound seductive if it were not so liberally splattered in sarcasm.

Johanna looks at me, naked and legs still splayed as she pops up on her elbows without any shame. She laughs and her eyes twinkle. "Then join in or go get me some coffee. Cause I have my priorities and there won't be time for both if you want me to not make an entrance."

"Five sugars and three creams, right?" I snicker a little. I flick the lights off again and close the door.

I handed her the coffee and Finnick grins at her like a cat. She sticks her tongue out at him and glares at me for telling him. I bring Gale coffee too, black and bitter. He accepts it but won't meet my eyes. I wink at Johanna and she rolls her eyes.

There is some good news at the meeting. The rebels are seeing fewer casualties and more defectors every day. We could win. Finnick announces that he has asked Annie to marry him and she has accepted. I am joyful for him and he looks deep in my eyes and no more need be said.

A wedding is planned for Annie and Finnick and we made a trip to my victor home in district 12 to collect a wedding dress from my closet. I had never been around Annie without Finnick, but I found her charming and I too felt the insatiable need to protect her. I felt horrible to have done something that she would see as betrayal. She kept grinning at me, face so open it was the closest thing to purity I had ever seen. She was my impression of what an angel would be if the pictures were true.

When the stylists were digging through my closet, finding their own bliss at the worship of our lost Cinna, she and I were alone in the living room.

"I know, Katniss." She whispered as if telling me a secret that gave her pleasure.

I shook my head smiling. "You know what, Annie?" I expected her to say that she knew which dress she liked best.

"I know about Finnick." she says, her tone not changing.

"Oh." I sat down carefully in a daze and tears welling in my eyes. I knew this was a horrible idea. I can't think of anything good enough to say to her.

She moved next to me smiling. "He helped you? You won Haymitch back?"

I nod and look at her. Her face was blurry from my tears. "I am so sorry."

"I am glad he helped you. Finn knows everything."

I don't understand. "You're not angry?"

She shook her head. "You would never take him from me would you? You would never try to make him stop loving me?"

"I would never have a chance at that, Annie. You are his heart and soul." I whisper, unable to grasp what she is saying.

"I know about the time you helped him too. I know you saved him. So him saving you is the same. They wouldn't have come just for me Katniss. They saved me and Jo. But they went for Peeta. But they wouldn't have just for me. I don't want you to feel funny. You like me and I don't scare you. I don't want you to think wrong and stop being my friend." She has been weaving string into a little crown of pretty knots. She puts it on my head and adjusts it for me.

I swallow and blink at the stinging tears. "It won't ever happen again Annie."

She shakes her head and frowns. "You never know. If I died and he needed you, you wouldn't turn him away would you? You would watch over him for me? And you might be sad someday and he could help you. That isn't the same love Katniss. Some Love is in here." She puts her hand to her chest. Then she points to her head. "You love my Finnick up here, so he could mentor you. It is love, but not the same. I wouldn't like you, if you loved him here." She pointed at my heart. "That is all filled up with Haymitch. And Peeta. I see you and my Finn isn't there."

I hug her. "Annie, I think Finnick isn't the only one to teach me. You know everything too."

"Finnick doesn't have to lie to me about anything Katniss. They did those things to me too until I went crazy. Haymitch's idea. He saved me a long time ago. My first stranger, so I wouldn't be afraid and he spoke to the ones on my dance cards. He helped Finn not get killed," she says and her eyes are so intense that I know her mind is far less broken then she pretends.

I search her. "Does that mean what I think it does?"

Her eyes dropped and she nodded. "Are you mad at me now?"

"No Annie," I suck in my breath as I realize it is true, "I am glad too. If I die, you watch over him for me too, you and Finn, take care of him for me, ok?"

She sighed in relief. "Finn was afraid for me to tell you. But I knew you would see. Now we really are friends, with nothing causing shadows."

I smiled at her and realized I would protect her with all the devotion she deserved. I loved her just like I loved Prim. We found a dress that with just a few adjustments would fit her as if Cinna had designed it for her. We were all smiles as we gathered up the things we would take back to district thirteen.

On a whim, I selected a dress of my own, but I had no intention of using it. I just liked the thought of having it and explained it's presence to Haymitch as a spare for someone else to use should the need arise. The wedding was beautiful and the music played color into our bleak world of schedules. I was talked into dancing, first with Prim but then Haymitch took me in his arms and guided me around as if we were always meant to be.

Haymitch dances gracefully with Annie as I am twirled and jerked into silly positions with Finnick. I am happy to be returned to my more sedate companion's, less fashionable, but more reserved arms.

Even my mother finally softens toward her onetime schoolmate as he guides her around the floor smiling and speaking warmly to her. Something of my own is finally given to me. Nobody demands that I love him. I just do. My eyes shining in the joy of dancing with Haymitch Abernathy must have won a few hearts that day because; I heard comments about the future Mrs. Abernathy and I was not even embarrassed by the horrible idea. I am proud to be at his side. He could have had anyone but I was the only one in the world who could say being Haymitch's love put me in less danger than being without him.

The cake was brought out and that was the first time the smile fell from my face. The frosting is beautiful and Peeta stands behind the cake beaming at his beautiful work. I turn to Haymitch questioning him. I couldn't remember my last Peeta update and this seemingly well version dumbfounds me.

Haymitch at my side, I cross the room. I stand quietly by the cake as everyone comments on its beauty. Peeta seems almost himself. He smiles at the complements and when his eyes finally meet mine, he blushes but speaks kindly. "Hi Katniss. I hope you and Haymitch are having a nice time." He looks down at the floor.

"Your cake is beautiful." I say watching him.

"I am out of practice and I didn't have all the colors I needed. You look happy and well, I saw them shoot you and I visited you one time, but you were asleep." He says still talking to the floor.

"I didn't know that. Thank you. I am glad to see your doing so much better Peeta."I say carefully.

"Maybe you can visit me sometimes." He glances at me shy and frightened.

"Ok. I will." I say smiling.

Delly Cartwright slides up to Peeta and puts her arm around him protectively. "You doing ok?" she asks.

"Hi Delly, we were just admiring Peeta's cake. It has been a long time since there was a celebration worthy of one." Haymitch says kindly. He squeezes my shoulder in comfort.

"Well this one is sure it." She agreed in a friendly tone.

Johanna Mason, who had roomed with me in the hospital and was known for stealing my morphling, drinking as much as I do and popping up where least expected, seals mints from end of the table and announces "Maybe Katniss and Haymitch will be next!"

I look around at her and shake my head at her. She shrugs and drags Haymitch out on the dance floor. I turn back to Peeta and Delly. I try to decide if they are together or if she is just protecting him from me. "I came to see you before I left too Peeta."

"I'm sorry, Katniss." He says suddenly.

"For what Peeta?" I smile at him, wanting so bad to take him in my arms and just hold him.

"All of it. I wasn't strong."

"You are strong. You're here Peeta. You win. You beat him." I am nervous suddenly.

I hear Haymitch and Johanna approach. They share some joke, but Haymitch is at my side quickly as he sees how intently Peeta stares at me. "Everything alright?" Haymitch asks, his hand moving to the small of my back, making me feel more steady.

Peeta doesn't take his eyes off me. "You will marry him. I lose. "

"We haven't even talked about that." I say carefully.

I saw a shiver go through Peeta. I didn't say another word or even meet anyone's eyes.

"That's unlikely, I doubt she would have me. One day her prince will rescue her from my evil clutches." Haymitch says winking at Peeta.

The others laughed at Haymitch's sarcasm but something passed between he and Peeta that I didn't understand. I touch the deep depression on my forehead where the bullet had grazed me, leaving a hollow and some memory loss. The headaches came like lightening. "Katniss?" Haymitch said at my side.

"I'm sorry, it's coming. Hay get me home." My vision faded to gray shapeless blur and the nausea was quick to follow. He ended up carrying me most of the way home.

Back in our room, he brought me the medicine I needed then he became the medicine I need. I lay with him in the sparse surroundings. I wonder what he meant about my prince rescuing me. "Haymitch?"

"Yes sweetheart?"

"You are my prince. You did rescue me. More than once."

"I always will be Katniss. As long as I am alive I will rescue you." He is sweetly caressing my shoulder and the scar that has left a pit in my breast. Without Cinna designing the Mockingjay suit with its many hidden protections, my heart would have been ripped out the back of my chest by the snipers large caliper rounds. The bullet that hit my head was never identified except it had come from a hand gun. They were surprised I had awakened with any memory function, but I worried that there were things lost to me that I didn't know. I remembered Haymitch clearly; the rest could be worked around.

"Peeta's getting better?" I whisper.

He sighs, but I never hear his answer.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author: Howlynn  
>Realm: <strong>_**The Hunger Games**_**, Suzanne Collins  
>Story Title: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon8<br>Summary: Lessons with Finnick  
>CharacterRelationships: Katniss and gale/haymitch/peeta/finn , lots of other off camera pairings**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 8<strong>

I am shocked to discover that it is not intended that I go on the mission to invade the capital. There is to be a special squad meant to capture Snow and I can't qualify for it. Gale is on this squad and it irks me even more.

"Perhaps you should mention your dilemma to your Mr. Abernathy." Gale whispers into my ear after I confront him about how he was picked for the squad.

"What does Haymitch have to do with it?" I ask confused.

"You really don't know much about this place do you. Your elderly bedmate runs this place you know. Coin only thinks she does. He's the one with the power. How else do you suppose he can keep you supplied in liquor when nobody else can get their hands on a drop? God Katniss, he's got more sideshows than a circus and you think he's your pet pink elephant but you can't see the elephant in the room. He's got you twisted around his….finger." He didn't wait for any response from me he just shook his head in disgust and walked off. Later that day I glimpsed him and Johanna Mason kissing and rubbing together in a familiar way in the hallway.

I wondered if Gale could be telling me the truth. Could Haymitch really have some sort of hidden agenda or did he really love me? I couldn't link my mind around the possibility that he intended to betray me, but I couldn't imagine he would have let Peeta suffer if he had any power either. Still, with the way they watched us, and every scrap of our trash like a hawk, I had wondered how Haymitch hid his booze from them. How had he walked into Coins office and announced I belonged to him and it went over with disapproval but no argument. How did he have not a room but an apartment, by 13 standards.

I returned to our room. He wasn't expecting me and I walked into twenty people crowded into our room. "Having a party, sweetheart?" I say with a giddy laugh very unlike me.

"You're supposed to be in your rehabilitation Katniss, are you sick darling?" He stands genuinely distressed.

I touch my head letting my tears of fear cover for pain and nod. My brow furrows and he smiles kindly. "Excuse me a moment everyone."

"I am sorry." I whisper, "Who are they?"

He puts his arm around me, and leads me into the bedroom. " Just friends. You can't control your injury Katniss. I will get your pills. Lay down and I will bring the dark cloth for you." I nod. He hands me two pills instead of one and I don't even question him, I take them without swallowing them. I lay the dark damp cloth on my head and sigh in relief.

As soon as he turns his back I slip the soggy pills into my bra. "Haymitch. I want to be on the 451 squad."

He turns to me and shakes his head. " I don't think that's going to happen, sweetheart."

I pretend my pills are taking effect and look at him sleepily. "Yes it will. I will go. One way or another, I am going."

I see his jaw working in anger. He bends to me and gets in my face. "Over my dead body, sweetheart."

I glare at him a little afraid of him for the first time ever. He stands and closes the door softly. I shut off the light in the room and creep to the door to listen to the conversations going on in the other room. Much I didn't understand, but enough to know he was up to a lot more than he had told me. He checked on me twice that afternoon and I pretended to be dead to the world. He was so gentle and kissed me both times.

I love him so, but doubts haunt me. If he really has that much power why did he let Peeta suffer? Why did he let me go off to district two? Could even my darling Haymitch be using me? Was I just a toy to him, and when I was not useful anymore he would pawn me off on Peeta again? I hated myself for even asking such questions. Gale might be many things, but he'd always had my back. Haymitch had saved me so many times, how could I think of it.

I realize what I have to do. Coin thinks she's in charge, so if I convince her to let me go, Haymitch can only stop me if he openly displays his upper hand. I wonder the outcome to this and smile. If he keeps to himself does he love me enough to let me go. Over my dead body is probably a no. If he pulls strings and keeps me safe it will reveal a great deal. I go straight to Coins office.

"I have to go, I am the Mockingjay." I say without preface.

"Your physical condition precludes your attendance and you are not known for ability to follow orders, your schedule and you are mentally impaired with your headaches. You would be more danger than…"she rattles off the list of my many flaws.

"Come on Coin, a dead Mockingjay is as good as a live one, maybe better. It doesn't matter and you get the footage of me falling in the attempt or of me capturing the one standing in the way of your presidency. Either way it's the footage of me putting you in office." I say smiling.

"Haymitch will raise geese and little chickens if I say yes to you." She says with sly amusement.

I sit on her desk and lean in to her. "If you consider that carefully President Coin I have to imagine that would be a dazzling incentive for you."

She leans back and thinks, putting her arms behind her head comfortably. "I have to wonder what your end game is child. Do you really feel anything for him? Or is he just the Mockingjay's pawn? I think you realize this could do him harm. Why betray him?"

I stand up and cross my arms. "Haymitch loves me and I love him. There is no gray there. It is no betrayal – it's the same thing I demanded of you to be your Mockingjay. If I were to discover someone meant him harm, they would be advised to think carefully before acting on it. I am a little crazy. We don't own each other but I would kill anything that meant him harm. Snow does. I don't expect this to be much more than a suicide mission." I say this carefully hoping my threat is not too overt.

"Loving Haymitch Abernathy proves you're insane. But I am glad to hear that you realize the hopeless task of your squad. I will make a deal with you. You agree to earn your place – which means you show up for training and prove to Boggs you are capable of being, if not an asset at least not a burden and we will film you triumphant or bloody." She says, squinting her eyes and nodding.

"I will be there tomorrow. Thank you." I say simply.

It took Haymitch exactly fifteen minutes to discover my plan and track me down. I didn't see him but the vice on my arm and the "Come with me now, sweetheart." In my ear alluded to the fact that not only was he a bit upset with me, but that his rapid information obtaining could be a hint that Gale was on track.

We duck into a storage room and he slams the door and locks it behind me. "What part of over my dead body did you not hear?" I have never seen him so livid, not even when I first met him and hurt Peeta the night before the launch.

"Haymitch, I have to go and you know it." I say evenly.

"No you don't. Let someone else go. Hell I will go if you want it, but you will not do this…." His fist hits the wall of lockers with each of his last three words. "While…I …Breath."

The sound startles me and his violence frightens me. I feel myself backing up in the crowded space like a trapped animal. I feel naked without a weapon of any kind and my breath comes in bursts as I involuntarily go into fight mode. "Haymitch, I need you to calm down." I say this calmly but I am watching his eyes preparing for attack. I have spent too much time in battle and the experience carries some baggage. My hands search shelves for something to protect myself with. I find nothing of use, only the handle of a mop. I exude pressure on the wood until it snaps and I hold the splintered wood at my side and look at his chest, not his face.

"And I need you to be alive, Katniss," he says, taking in the intent of my actions and pain registering on his face.

Tears in my eyes I search his face. "I have to go."

He takes a step forward and holds out his arms. "Then do it, Mockingjay. Shove that stick in your hand right through my heart and save me the vision of you dying and seeing the footage played for me until I go insane. Save me that at least. Love me enough to not make me watch you die again," he says, taking another step toward me.

I blink trying to keep my head. I flash to the arena and Peeta throwing his knife away as I pull my bow on him. He'd held his arms out and told me to kill him as well. The men who love me always seem to instinctively know I am a monster capable of killing them. I'm famous for killing now. The capitol broadcasts my body count all the time. I sigh.

"Haymitch I love you but you know I will go. Don't demand that I stay behind. You can't say you love me and expect that. Anything for you at all, but not this," I say hoarse with emotion and adrenaline.

"Please Katniss. Please don't do this. You don't understand," he says taking another step forward. He jumps forward and wrenches the stick from me. "That's all it will take and then they will torture you for as long as you can scream. Is that the life you offer me? Is that all you meant to give me?" His lips are on me and I can't stand how my will is so weak against him now. Once, I would have fought him like a beast, now all I want is to feel the reality of him making love to me.

I groan, wanting him and he kisses me harder. In moments we have shed enough clothing that we are moving together in pleasure and need. Anger makes us hard in our appetite, but it doesn't take it away, it fuels it. My eyes roll back in my head as I fall into the rhythm of our passion. I try to be quiet as I watch him smile at my pleasure. His own follows and then covered in sweat and breathing heavy, we hold each other. I don't want to leave our little hidden place, but eventually the discomfort of our position makes it necessary.

"Please sweetheart, if it were to save someone, I could let you steal that from me for all time. I can't let you take it just for revenge. I can't," he says his mouth on my neck, nibbling me.

"I probably won't make it anyway Haymitch. I don't just get to go, I have to train and pass the training." I say laughing. "She didn't give me a free pass – I have to convince Boggs."

"Then I will pray for your most humiliating failure," he says. "God I need a drink. Would you like to join me, you selfish twit?"

"How did you find out so fast?" I ask him using a towel to mop my face.

He smirked. "Beedee has her office bugged. There are leaks all over the place Katniss, be careful what you say anywhere. We may be the underground cable stars tomorrow." He is teasing I hope.

"So you heard everything I said?"

He grins at me, "Right down to the part where you threatened to kill anyone who dared to harm me, sweetheart. That was rather overt, don't you think? She fears you already."

"I did mean it."

He engulfs me in his arms and sighs, "I know you did."

I disappoint him in the end. I train like nothing else matters and part of me comes alive having something to focus my hatred towards. I love Haymitch and my body returning to life makes me demand his attention to a degree that is near perversion. He is withdrawn at times and falls into his liquor but somehow his rough sarcastic angry need is answered by my own desire to hear him cry my name in any strange way that gives him pleasure. It is almost like I know I am about to die and can't get enough of him. Sometimes I catch him sobbing when he thinks I am asleep, even then I go to him and answer his sorrow in hunger. Haymitch loving me is life to my soul and even when he is filled with rage in our lust, I respond to him in a way I can't explain.

I do visit Peeta, and we have made some sort of place for each other. He doesn't love me anymore the way he did as a child, but he and I share history and the emotion of friendship has bloomed. He accepts that Haymitch was who I needed all along, though it is still a complete surprise to me. The hardest day of my life was the day I passed the test and became an official member of squad 451.

Johanna Mason had washed out and had a breakdown during the final. I went up to the surface and wandered in the forest. I wanted to give her something. I gathered the things I needed and sat weaving the bits together, lost in the task; I have no idea how long he was watching me.

"Congratulations, Catnip."

"Gale? How did you find me?" I ask, just for something to say.

"We've never had to look very hard. Have we?"

I look up at him and I can't read his face. He takes a seat next to me. I touch his knee. "I don't know how we lost each other, but I hate it."

His hand closes over mine and he just nods. "What's this?" he gestures to my craft project.

"Johanna. It's for her. To remind her of home." I don't know how to explain, so I just shrug the rest.

"You remind me of home." His voice is so sad.

"We will go back. We will…"I fall silent, because I realize there is nothing to go back too.

""I'll never go back." He looks up at the sun.

Of course he won't. Gale will want to keep being important. He's good at it. "I miss our woods."

"I miss us. Like this. Maybe we left part of us there. All the good parts." He suddenly hops up onto his feet in a squat and kisses my forehead. He touches my face and for a second my Gale is there. He shakes his head at me and then smiles just a little before walking off into the woods.

I don't know how to respond. I don't want to try to explain again and make him mad. "Hey. You need to tell her before you leave. In case." I say loudly to his back. He stops but doesn't turn.

His head nods. "My next stop, Catnip." I watch him walk off but he never looks back.

I visited her in the hospital before facing Haymitch. I was sure he already knew and it would be a huge argument. I sat a long time with her before I spoke.

"I will probably get myself killed without you."

"Probably? You're meat, brainless." She doesn't meet my gaze.

"Least I won't have to listen to your stupid jokes anymore."

She looks at me, angry and a little hopeless. "The funerals going to be my swan song of Mockingjay shots. You ought to be there. I'm gonna rip you a new one."

"Better be funny too or zombie Katniss will kick your ass."

She smirks, then throws her cup of water at me. "Zombies won't take you. You're already brainless."

I stand up and sit on her bed. "I brought you this." I pull the ball of pine needles, sage and heather I made her out and I sniff it before handing it to her. "Smell it."

She gives it a tentative sniff. "It smells like home? How did you?"

"You're an ax. I'm a bow. But we both know where we belong. He's from the woods too, you know." I say, wondering if she will see what I mean.

"It's real nice, Katniss. Thanks. You know, I'm trusting you with Finn and Gale." She says.

"I know. It isn't your fault."

"Yes it is. I let them beat me when it counted."

I sigh. "Nobody ever really beat you, Johanna. You know, I'm trusting you with Haymitch? Keep him together til I get back?"

"Don't take to damned long. I can only stomach him for so long." She acts like I am annoying her but there is light in her eyes again. "And don't get my boys killed."

I nod.

Johanna had always grossed me out a little in that she didn't wash ever, but Peeta explained her terror of water to me. They had used it to torture her. She never had spoken of her own torture, but she'd described many of the terrible things they had done to Peeta. Each of Snow's guests had their own program. I think she remembered more of her and his ordeal than even Peeta did. I counted that as a blessing for him.

She was drunk with Haymitch and I one night, and had given us a pretty grim picture of what Peeta had dealt with. Snow had raped him personally but also forced others to both watch and participate. Johanna assured us there was footage. Long before they had begun his mind control they had broken him with pain and lies. They had even gone so far as to tell him I was being tortured to death. They had taken my face and morphed it onto subjects. In Peeta's mind, they had shown him me, being used as a whore by dozens of men in thirteen while I begged him to kill me. That had been what finally let them into his mind. My supposed pain, not his own. Peeta had been drawing these things, and we had assumed they were his fantasies of what he wanted to do to me, but now the truth was all those pictures of me ripped apart while he stabbed me, choked me and slit my throat were simply things he had believed to be true.

Haymitch was passed out when I got home. He had vomited and messed himself and I found him in the bathroom laying in his own filth. This was where my need for revenge was putting him and truly, I feared he would kill himself if I didn't find some way to make him understand my need to kill Snow. My heart was just more full of vengeance than love and I could not escape the greater need.

With love I cleaned him and dressed him. I was stronger physically then I had ever been and I lifted him onto my back and half-carried, half-drug him into the bedroom. I settled him into our bed and lay next to him watching him breathe and memorizing every inch of him. I would see him in my mind when I died and wanted every detail of him clear and perfect. Hours later I had fallen asleep when he stirred. He didn't yell as we lay there in the dark. He only grabbed me to him so tight it hurt and shivered as he hoarsely pleaded. "Please Katniss. For me sweetheart?"

I tried so hard to explain. I promised I would do all I could to return to him, but I didn't give into him. The next morning he drank more than he had in a long time, made love to me in a drunken fury and passed out before I left. I left him with sorrow and private tears even he would not know. I left a letter for him and then as the time neared I went to our meeting room and put Haymitch out of my mind as I listened to the briefs on the capital. I was shocked by who was joining us on this mission. Peeta arrived a little late and I couldn't help the look of abject distress on my face.

"Haymitch's idea," Plutarch stated, "And a dammed good one too, because Peeta spent months wandering around the capital in relative freedom, before they realized he couldn't flush you out. He will be invaluable to us on our adventure."

I can't say I was not angry with my dear mentor, but I had not foreseen he would exact such a painful revenge. He knew that both Gale and Finn could fight and Peeta on my team would force me to babysit him and behave and not take risk that was unnecessary.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author: Howlynn  
>Realm: <strong>_**The Hunger Games**_**, Suzanne Collins  
>Story Title: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon9<br>Summary: Lessons with Finnick  
>CharacterRelationships: Katniss and gale/haymitch/peeta/finn , lots of other off camera pairings**

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><p><strong>Chapter 9<strong>

Our Team found little luck even upon landing. We parachuted in and landed right on a pod. It was full of little walking tin cans. We stared at them in confusion. They looked like lurching little child's toys. They stumbled around. One settled down and seemed to nestle next to Gale. He kicked it away. Nothing happened and everyone began to kick them. Whatever they were, they appeared to have malfunctioned.

We began to group up and the tin cans wandered blind and now ignored. Then one released a sticky thread and wound itself up Boggs leg. And two more had attached themselves by the time he got the first one off. He looked down and franticly tried to yank them off when they exploded. Gale went into action immediately and began shooting the damned things as we tried to drag Boggs into a building and administer first aid. There was no chance. I came outside in time to see that Gale had ordered the others inside as he'd stood shooting the devices.

"Gale!" I screamed. One of them was on him and he'd not even noticed it because he was focused on shooting them and they were focused on him now. I ran toward him as chunks of his flesh suddenly no longer existed. I grabbed him and drug him inside and sent an exploding arrow at the rest.

It set off a terrible round of explosions. Gale had taken a terrible hit and lost half of his leg within five steps. I couldn't go back to get it. He was covered in shrapnel and there was no fixing his internal injuries. Boggs lost both of his legs. I lifted Gale to the soft couch. I told him he was going to be fine but his eyes told me he knew he was saying goodbye.

He held on to me trying to say too many things. "I know I drove you to him with my temper. I didn't mean to call you a whore. Never thought that. Guilt about Jo. Meant to fix s... someday..."

I smile at him and tell him I will love him forever and we fixed it in the woods. I am trying to get rescue on the phone, even though I have seen enough death to know he's already gone. I hold him and feel like screaming, but I swallow it.

"Coin is going to kill him Katniss. She will kill Haymitch..." he says just above breath.

"Hang on Gale. Please don't leave me. Johanna will never forgive you..."

"Catnip. Are we going hunting today?" His eyes look at me but I don't think he sees me. "I will wait for you at our rock. Try to get away if you can. I think that lynx must like you. I saw him trailing you. No. Catnip? Why did you kill the lynx? He was your guardian? It was like watching you kill a friend."

I have never heard him say this and it makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like all the horrible in the world is my fault for killing that damned cat. "Gale. Stay with me?"

"Yes. I'll run away with you." He coughs but his eyes open and he looks right at me and he shakes his head a little. "I am sorry. Catnip...tell Jo I…Tell Jo…" was the last thing he said as he began to choke on his own blood.

We had to leave them behind. My earpiece crackled to life and Haymitch in my ear whispered to me. "Alright Katniss, may the seventy sixth hunger games begin. I am going to keep you alive no matter what. Now say Goodbye to your cousin and let him do what he must. You have to move and you can't leave them alive."

Tearfully I kissed Gale. "I love you." I whisper to him as I put the pill in his mouth with shaking fingers. He bites down on the nightlock capsule. It was quick and relatively painless. I hovered there for a moment and kissed him again before laying him down and covering his face with a fur coat I found in the abandoned apartment we sheltered in. Boggs died and Peeta covered him as well. Finnick pulled me away from Gale.

"Come on Katniss we have to move. We have to go into the tunnels." He leads me away as my vision clouded in memory of Gale. We moved from house to house as we made our way to the mansion. We were trying to access the underground when Haymitch began screaming for us to get out, it was a trap. We move as the building explodes.

We are in an apartment, scavenging for food when Haymitch is in my ear again. "Sweetheart, they have found you. You're surrounded. It is over; surrender and I will save you." The television in the apartment flashes on and we are treated to the vision of the entire block filled with peacekeepers. They cover the rooftop and every building. They are announcing that if we surrender we will be shown mercy. My heart stops as Snow himself begins discussing what the next step is, if we have to be taken. Finally Castor and Pollux, the camera crew, find access to the tunnels. We come up with a plan. They remove the equipment and we leave it sitting in a chair facing the doors. The feed shows us all waiting for the battle, we vow not to surrender, but behind the cameras, we are setting the destruct sequence for the device Boggs has trusted me with. One by one we sneak down into the sewers of the capital and watch the feed on a hand held screen to know when to press the detonation.

The peacekeepers burst into the room from the back and front. They literally shoot each other in their frenzy and then the screen goes blank for a second as the explosion rocks the entire building we had just vacated. The explosion is so forceful it collapses the tunnels and we are running for our lives trying to not be crushed in the rubble.

Pollux leads us through the maze like he's running through his own living room. Finally he pushes a code on a box by a door and we sink exhausted into a maintenance shed. The TV is active here and we watch the building collapse and the capital announce our death. I realize I have lost my earpiece in the hustle. I don't have Haymitch with me anymore. He will know it is not on me. He would have seen my vital signs and known I was safe. He must think I am dead. I have to push it from my mind for now. I can't think about him or Gale. He will have to hang on for a bit. I will contact him as soon as I can. We can't take a chance over an open line.

They rerun the scene over and over announcing the rebellion is over. They tell the audience to put down their weapons because the war has caused enough grief at the hand of an insane tyrant, meaning me.

Just then Beedee breaks the hold on the feed and Coin begins eulogizing me and others. She speaks at length about Gale Hawthorne and praises my sacrifice, admonishing everyone to not give up and give my tragic death as well as Peeta Mellark's a meaning. They show me on fire in Cinna's many costumes, they flash on the moment I had been shot and how I still had been determined to fight on.

This was all amusing and we were cracking jokes about how nobody knew how much Coin had liked me. We are a little crazy at the moment. Fear and grief have to be set to the side. I have to laugh too as she even manages to scare up real tears at my death. We are in the room eating canned soup and drinking soda from the machine we'd smashed when the fun of this ends for me.

Haymitch stands before the camera shaking in grief. They hold onto his face and I burst into tears at his terrible broken face. He looks a hundred years old. Finally he begins to speak. "The last thing I will ever love on this earth has just been taken from me. Katniss should never have been mine but Peeta was no longer anything but a capital highjacked Mutt by the time we could rescue him. I was a small comfort for her and only his loss allowed her to care for me, but I truly loved her. I want everyone to know that. I loved them both, and want you to know that what little of him that was left died protecting her today. They are gone. Together for all time.

' We must honor them now. We must fulfill their dreams and end this. Fight now without will to survive, like my beautiful girl on fire, did for each of you. She left me, for all of you. I want to read her words to you. I couldn't face saying goodbye to her and most of you can guess what I was up to as she boarded the transports and began her final journey. But I want you to hear her one last time as you make your decisions about what the next few hours mean to you. I know they have inspired me to carry on and fight to the end for her. I give the rebels the last words of our Mockingjay."

_Dearest Haymitch,_

_I loved Gale and I loved Peeta with my soul. When Peeta was removed from my life, all I wanted was death, until I knew you. I wish we didn't have to be more than two people deeply, madly in love. I do love you and I have lay here next to you memorizing you. Know, if this doesn't go as I hope, and I do know the small odds of its success, that you will be the last thought in my heart and the last word on my lips. I can only hope you will find peace in knowing that even apart I will worship what we found until the end if time. If I am not here to see it, make the end of time a better place for the children of the hunger games. Don't end in despair but bring me triumph once and for all. Make the world better, and know every step, I will send you my love. My heart is yours forever Haymitch Abernathy and I was blessed to have had the honor of knowing you watched out for me no matter how stupid I acted._

_I know you can't understand why I can't just let this go and stay by your side. I want to be with you my love, but I owe a debt that even my small life will never pay. People believed in me and have fought and died on my word. They have found hope and pain and vengeance in my words. I owe them my best effort. I owe Rue's family and Threshes. I owe Cinna who made me more and died for his effort. I owe so many people that there isn't time to make a list. You know that in twelve, paying debts is honor. _

_If I just cling to you, and take all the joy you have brought me, I have to lose my honor. It is too high of a price even for you my own darling drunken mysteries magnificent sweetheart. There are no words for you, but you know I proudly wore the dishonor of being true to my heart when others couldn't accept that I had found love beyond childish romance. I loved you, and all others be damned, I cherish you. But my debt is too high to pretend Haymitch and I must go. If you love me like I believe you do, you will let me fall in honor and pick up my torch and let me burn on. Burn for me my love, and feed that fire until the evil we have known is dust and ashes._

_Then build the new place and let the bells toll for the dead in freedom. Let everyone know that the man with the bottle was the fuel that warmed the boy with the bread and most of all set the girl on fire ablaze. Thank you for every moment Haymitch. Now raise a toast for me and fight on._

_Katniss – burning for you._

I couldn't believe he'd read this whole personal thing before all of Panem. I couldn't believe he smiled as he sobbed and raised a glass of blood red wine to me. In the crowd hundreds of glasses were raised and they murmured two words together. "Ever Remember."

Haymitch smiles through his tears and says tenderly "Farewell, Sweetheart"

Snow breaks in and he rants against me and my acts of war. I sink to the ground in sorrow for what my poor Haymitch was feeling right now. Peeta is beside me then, he wraps his arms around me. "I know it's hard for you to see him suffering, but this is the best thing that could happen. They think we are dead and so it's perfect for us to strike. It will be pure joy for him when everyone finds out and we capture Snow. He lifts my chin and he kisses me softly. I don't know what to say, it is the first contact I have had from him since he choked me.

"Peeta I.."

"Shhh, it was just for old times. I know you belong to him now, but I belong to you again." His face is strong and I do see the boy I loved in his eyes again. "I will get you back to him somehow."

Finnick and Peeta get me through the next few hours. They were not Gale fans, but they know it is eating me as well as my concern for Haymitch.

We sleep for a while as the camera feed shows them making Herculean efforts to recover our bodies. The melted bits of the camera crew are shown, covered with gore as they remove them from the heap of stone that was once a building. They actually pretend that they are trying to rescue me, and say there is some small hope of bringing me to trial. I wonder if Haymitch hopes too, or if he is resolved that in this case, me being dead is better. I wonder if he's drunk yet or if his bleary eyes still watch the feed in horror. I understood his words, if it were me, I would watch him die until I went insane.

It is after midnight as we begin our final journey toward the Mansion and I feel like something is not right in the tunnels. I can feel a whispering and turn to see it is coming from Peeta. His eyes are bright and they are full of madness. We are near the place we need to ascend when the mutts attack.

One by one our team falls as they buy time for the rest of us. I take some out with my ample arrows but there are more to take their place. I am running out of ammunition and they keep saying my name over and over, drawn to us by the smell of me. I hear the screaming as they die, sacrificing themselves for the greater good. But Peeta attacks me and only Finnick can drag him off me. Finnick demands that the rest of us run and I hear the howl of the Mutts as we climb out of the tunnels leaving Peeta and Finnick to be consumed by the horrible creatures that are in the tunnel. I can't think of it right now. I can only think of what I must do. I glance back seeing Finnick smile a teary smile at me and Peeta bucks and screams.

There are few guards and I quickly stumble right into Snow as he rushes from his office into the hallway. I am nearly paralyzed in fear as I smell the roses and blood that is his trademark aroma. He smiles and puts a pistol to my head.

"Ahh, Miss Everdeen, I am not surprised to see you. I knew even death would not stop you. It's a shame I will have to waste all our many pleasures we could share, but I think I will just …" he stops speaking and my eyes widen as Peeta and Finnick reach around him and hold a large knife to his throat. He laughs. "Miss Everdeen perhaps you should look at the television. Give yourself up. I have a remote control here in my hand. See the children?"

I realize what he is saying. Outside in the snow is a holding pen. Hundreds of children shiver in misery. They are capital children.

"Capture me alive and I spare them all, but if my heart stops – they are wired to go with me." He laughs. "I am only asking for a fair trial my dear. People have loved me for so long, they must be entertained."

Peeta adds, "It's the right thing to do Katniss. Even if he wants it, it is the right thing to do." I am so exhausted and Finnick is nodding at me that he agrees. It will get me on TV faster and Haymitch will know I am safe.

"Only if you surrender."

He shrugs and nods.

We hook up the camera. "Ladies and gentlemen My name I Katniss Everdeen and the war is over. I have with me President Snow, and he has surrendered all Captial forces to me. The war Is over. Haymitch, I love you and I am coming home." There is silence as President Snow formally surrenders and the peacekeepers begin to lay down their arms. Then more silence and from outside you can hear the cacophony of celebration.

I have Snow chained and I can't help but watch the children now pouring out of the fence. A Hover craft has released medics from 13 to help and there I pick out my mother leading a line of children and carrying two small forms toward the craft with the Red Cross blazing on the side. I take a deep breath and I shake in relief that I have somehow pulled this off. Then the explosion rocks our building. Horror is no name for the sight.

I spin on Snow and he seems as shocked and confused as I am. "No I didn't. Look. It is still armed. If you kill me it will detonate. And you will never find Cinna!"


	10. Chapter 10

**Author: Howlynn  
>Realm: <strong>_**The Hunger Games**_**, Suzanne Collins  
>Story Title: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon10<br>Summary: The battle ends - who lives and dies -someone proposes.  
>CharacterRelationships: Katniss and gale/haymitch/peeta/finn , lots of other off camera pairings**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 10<strong>

"My mother was down there." I cry.

Peeta takes charge. " I will go Katniss you take Finnick and Snow. Find Cinna."

Finnick is not gentle with Snow as he directs us down into the maze of chambers. "I never killed him. To fond of him if you want the truth. You won't like what you see girl on fire, but he is alive. For the most part."

Cinna raises his head as we enter his chamber. He sat in a plain cell, turned into a torture chamber. He is naked and tubes that come from his stomach carry his waste away. "Oh no. I never wanted you to see me like this my little girl on fire," he whispers barely able to be understood.

I held my own tears, fiercely demanding they stay away, and say something to make him relax. "You have seen me naked a zillion times. Turnabout is only fair play. I am getting you out of here. We won."

"Katniss? Are you real?" he whimpered.

"I am real sweet man. But I am getting you to a medic. Can you.."

"My chair. I am paralyzed. They nearly killed me and I wish they had, but you won the games again? Poor Peeta?"

I saw the wheeled chair he was talking about and lifted him to it. He feels so fragile to my arms. But I move the bags and tubes and find something to wrap him in that at least covers his lower extremities. The smell is horrible, but it doesn't matter at all. Cinna is alive.

"Peeta is alive too," I say first.

"Oh please tell me you are married and have found some…"His voice is dreamy and he still doesn't really believe he's safe.

"God Cinna, I don't know how to explain all this, but Peeta was captured turned Mutt and I thought he was gone. I am with Haymitch now. I fell in love with Haymitch." I laugh at how completely stupid this must sound to him.

"I thought you were real for a minute. This is just a nightmare again. This is the dumbest thing I ever dreamed." He snickers, " Katniss and Haymitch. Please, you can do better than that Snow. That is just funny." He laughs as if his mind is near breaking.

"Cinna. I know what it must seem like, but please don't act this way in front of Haymitch. He's sensitive and he will be here soon, I expect," I say this seriously. "I am going to marry the grumpy old fart and I am wearing one of the dresses you made me. Your Mockingjay outfit saved my life recently and Haymitch is going to be so happy to see you. Don't hurt his feelings."

Cinna reaches up to me and grabs my hand squeezing painfully. "You can't be serious."

I sigh. I push his chair and try to confess all I can think of about what has happened while he was locked away. I have never seen Cinna purely dumbfounded, but Finnick and Snow interject enough gory details that he begins to get this silly look of horror on his face. We enter the main level of the mansion and it is chaos. There are wounded all over the place, children crying and former peackeepers carrying wounded into the hall. I quickly drag Cinna and Finnick drags Snow back to his office. We watch what is going on and Peeta appears exhausted and sucking air.

"I found your Mom. It's bad, Sweetheart," Peeta says.

"Bring her in here," I say.

It took four people to move my mother. She is not conscious. She lay on her stomach because her back is mostly char and painkilling foam. They lay the stretcher out in the floor and I could barely stand to look. Snow covers his mouth with a hanky at the smell and I glare at him.

"I didn't do this and you know it. Only your own forces could have been responsible, Miss Everdeen."

Cinna, Peeta and I hold each other. We cry as his story unfolds. He'd been beaten nearly to death, but that comfort was denied. Snow had spent months torturing the parts of him that still had feeling. Questioning him, demanding information, drugging him and many other things he is too embarrassed to go into detail about. I am so thankful he is alive I couldn't help but hold his hand and kiss it over and over. We explain all the things that have occurred and Peeta told his story.

Cinna looked at Peeta, pain in his eyes. "Peeta, how are you ok if she is with Haymitch?"

A blank look crossed Peeta's face. "Because Haymitch saved her from me both times I tried to kill her and that is better than her not alive. Cinna, she's happy with him. You should have seen him when….He thought we had all died and he spoke. You will understand when you see them. I do." He looked at me and smiles a little as if explaining to me too.

"Peeta, how did you get away from the mutts?" I ask suddenly.

"I found the code. I have it too," Peeta says in a funny voice. "They were meant to follow me once they activated me. I showed them my tape of the dead target and they obeyed me," He says tapping his skull in a way that makes a strange sound.

"Peeta? I don't understand. You…."

Finn looks at Peeta, strange expression crossing his face. "He could talk to them Katniss. They understand him. They did more than affect his mind with venom." Finnick's eyes sparkle dangerously as he watches Peeta.

I heard his bellow before anyone else and I grin as I turn and whisper his name. "Haymitch?"

"Where is she? Damned you, get out of my way and tell me where she is. Where is my Mockingjay you stinking capitol…"

"Haymitch! I am here." I stand and trip over something but launch into his arms and I sob not caring who sees us. I wrap myself around him and kiss him. I feel the tension locked into his body release in wave after wave of relieved sweetness muttered to me in his loving purr.

He buries his face in me and I can't hold onto him tight enough. We chant love to each other, trying to convince our broken hearts that we have won the right to a chance for a future free of constant fear.

"So it is true. You fooled me Miss Everdeen and that is on my list of remarkable feats," Snow says laughing and breaking the moment.

I spin on Snow and grin at him. "Oh I think there will be a long list of things that surprise you now," I say back.

"Haymitch, I would never have placed a bet on you. I always did underestimate you," Cinna says grinning in his toothless lopsided smile.

Haymitch stares at Cinna and he is unable to respond. Both pity and joy cross his face as he crosses the room and kneels at his chair. "Oh Cinna. That shit bastard… all my information showed you were dead. How is this possible? They drug a dozen pictures of your body across the air, so often I had nearly become immune to its horror. I would have come. You know that?" he says aghast and trying to take in the sight of his friend, so filthy he would have been unrecognizable even if his facial bones had not healed in such terrible fashion and he had his perfect white teeth again.

"Snow. He saved me as a personal adventure in depravity Hay, not much left to save old sport. I think my shock beats yours though. You have stolen my girl on fire and that trumps my mere survival," he says laughing. "She says she's going to wear one of my dresses at her wedding."

"Did she now?" Haymitch slowly stands and turns to me, eyes full of adoration. He cocks his head and rolls his chin as if he's about to drop one of his Katniss bombs. "Katniss? Are you asking a drunken old bum to marry you?"

I look around the room, horrified and searching for escape. I feel strange and don't think I have the ability to speak. Everyone keeps waiting. I just looked at him, fear in my face and nod.

Somehow it dawns on me that this short exchange had just been broadcast as Pollux had turned our camera back on. "Shut that off!" I hiss angrily.

"No, keep it going. Peeta, do I have your permission to marry your Katniss?"

Peeta smiles eyes full of tears. "You won her fair and square. Do it with my blessing." He bows his head and hides his emotion.

Haymitch put his arm on Peeta's shoulder and pulls him toward him like a buddy. "Then I accept and this is my best man who saved her for me. Cinna you're going to have to get to work soon and plan a wedding. The future Mrs. Abernathy, tends to be an impatient woman on a good day."

I walk to Peeta and Haymitch whimpering a thank you meant for both of them. I had never been so pleased in my life and then I turn and throw up in a potted plant.

There among the horror of this night and the pain and suffering and loss was a tiny spark of hope for the new Panem. The evil president Snow captured by the Mockingjay herself and the Mockingjay, tamed by the fool.

I have to tell Johanna that I let her down. She messes my face up so bad that even Cinna can't fix it in time for the wedding. Haymitch tries to pull her out of her depression, but even he worries for her. Finnick is the only one who can get her to eat a bite of anything.

Haymitch laughs at me when I confess my pregnancy. It hurts my feelings and if I had had my bow right then, I would have shot him. Not to kill him of course, but something that would hobble him up a little, for a while. Instead I cry like a girl and that makes me madder.

"Why are you crying Katniss? I guess I thought this was an occasion not a tragedy. Oh, I see." He bends his head chewing his lip and I see him wipe tears away. " I won't force you Katniss. I should have thought. I will make any arrangements you wish," he says shaking. "I don't blame you for not wanting mine," he says softly and leaves the room.

I am terrified but I want this baby. "Haymitch?" He turns to me but I can't look at him. "Could you want it a little…maybe?"

He's at my side, perched on the bed like he is ready for escape. "Please Katniss…if you would consider it, I would do anything, short of force, to sway you. I want him."

"I am afraid, but I love her already." I choke on my own words.

He laughs again and this time I register it as him in joy. It is such an odd sound I had no way of placing it and had assumed the worse. I laugh too.

The funerals are endless. Haymitch and I attend so many they are just a blur. Nothing could faze me after Gale's. I set numbly with his body as he lay in State. Coin actually had cared about him. She murmurs a rambling sadness, that his loss hurt her more than any. "I had such plans for him Katniss. He was the best of my combat soldiers and without his planning…. The final bomb was a mistake of course, but it did settle it all you know. I understand your mother is doing well, considering?"

I nod then grimace at her. "The final bomb was by your order? Why?"

"Well, it doesn't matter now. We had planned it to be as you emerged from the building. Gale was supposed to be there to drag you back in. It was his plan. Snow would die before the whole country, and be blamed. It would have solved everything, but he wasn't there and we couldn't stop it in time." She pats my hand as if I would be in agreement with her.

"They were children. Only children and our own medics," I say softly. What about the rest of the squad? Finnick would have been in the lead. Boggs didn't know. Gale couldn't have saved us all. Gale would have warned me. She is lying. 451 was always meant to be a suicide mission. Not an honor, but a punishment. If they had the hovercraft, why not just bomb Coriolanus Snow. She wanted the footage of the triumphant elite squad wiped out before the public's eye. Mockingjay, Peeta, her favorite commander, Gale speeding through the ranks, Finnick Odair the darling of everyone, Johanna was meant to be with us. She was wiping out anyone who could make a play for power while making us all look like her personal fan club.

"Yes but they were capital children and the districts would have been satisfied. Now there is talk of another game just with them. One last time. You better get your old lover under control Katniss. He is a danger to me if he tries to fight me on this. You and I understand what it means for people to need vengeance. Gale always said you were with us. I didn't see it until you stormed into my office demanding your place on the squad. Haymitch made a lot of mistakes over that one. He bet wrong and he's only here now as my token to you of good will. We do have good will don't we Katniss?"

My teeth grind and I taste blood. I smile at her and nod. " I told you, I would put you in office."

"And you did young lady. I could have him poisoned in a second. I give you what you want because this dear boy said you would. Control Haymitch. Prove to me that my token is accepted gracefully and we will go far together." She pats my hand again and it takes all my control to allow it.

"I don't control him, but I will try to convince him. Don't take him from me or I will.." Her expression hardens. "Never survive it to be of any use to you," I finally sputter. God bless Finnick Odair and his seduction classes. He taught me how to hide what I want and right now I want to slowly, painfully slide a blade across her saggy neck.

Her face smooths and she sighs. "He is a terrible danger to me Katniss. I need his power behind me not against me. I need you as well. He is your only weakness that is exploitable. Your mother and your sister are untouchable now. Haymitch, well where you lead I am sure he will follow."

I nod while keeping my eyes on Gale. "I am sorry. It makes sense President Coin, I just am a little off today."

"Of course. He said you were his best friend. That must have been a lot to live up to, Katniss," She says with genuine sincerity.

"Thank you, it was. Very hard." I glance at her and meet her eyes. They are the same eyes as Snow. They could be twins. "I like your perfume. You smell of roses."

She is flattered. "It is very pricey, but worth it. Have you thought of any names yet?"

"No. Gale maybe. Or Rue," I say sadly rubbing my stomach.

"Well you have plenty of time for that. First we have a trial and a wedding to plan."

"Yes. And much sorrow to bury," I whisper.

She nodded kissed my cheek and said "congratulations" and left. I shook with fear. I looked at Gale's handsome dead face and wondered if he'd ever been my friend. Johanna would know. If she ever spoke again. She loved Gale too.

Peeta came to check on me. I leaned into his shoulder and cried. He assumed it was for Gale. I let him hold me and I didn't explain any of it.

Snow is allowed visitors and I insisted on being one of them. He is delightful as always. "My dear Miss Everdeen, I hear it is soon to be Mrs. Abernathy. I am so pleased you have found such joy in all this destruction. I find it difficult to imagine you will soon be a Mother. I hope I live long enough to see the child of such magnificent gamers. I imagine they will worship him until he's useless."

I redden at his familiar tone. I hand him a single long stem white rose. "I brought you this. I imagine you miss them."

"Oh you are much to kind to me, my dear. Token returned to your friend? I have been your friend you realize don't you?" He purrs his words in his snotty capital tone and distinct inflection.

"Until you tortured Peeta and Cinna. I could almost imagine it."

"Ahh, but they live. That is what you don't see. They breathe thanks to me, as do you and your dear Haymitch. I saved him too you know. Long, long ago. He should have listened to me as you did and it would have saved so much unpleasantness." He puts his rose in a vase as if it awaited my visit.

"Unpleasantness seems to follow you," I say with a shrug.

"And do tell me, has your true enemy shown their face yet? Have you put it all together?" He smiled and his breath as always was roses and blood. "Have you determined the player yet? The winner? The tributes? Do you know the way home child? The enemy?"

"You were enemy enough," I say softly but not unkindly.

"My dear Miss Everdeen. You should not lie. I have never once lied to you and I was never your enemy. Think about it. Ruthless I am, but I am not a liar." He chuckles then begins coughing. It sounds horrible and blood flecks his lips. He wipes it away with a paper tissue.

"Your dying," I say caught off guard.

"Yes. I do hope to stick around long enough for you to do it personally. It arouses me just to contemplate," He says his breath laboring as he shudders. He reaches out to touch my hair and I take a step back and call to the guard.

His movement stops. "I look forward to seeing you again, Mockingjay."

I am expected to speak at Gale's memorial. It is the only one I agreed to, though I had a thousand requests. Haymitch placated them with a promise that I would read the names at the tolling of the bells instead. But it wasn't good enough for Gale.

"I have lost friends as have we all. This one was mine once. He shared knowledge with me and we survived the Capitol's bleak world together. He was the first to whisper of the evil, though already I knew so much pain in that far away youth. People starve in my home when things go badly and there is nobody to stop it. He helped me feed my family and when I knew that I was to be the District 12 tribute, it was Gale who I left in the care of my family. I knew he would provide and watch over them. That's what best friends do. I put the pill in his mouth that killed him and he found peace in knowing now it would be me who watched over his family. It isn't a job I ever wanted, but I swear nothing on earth gives me greater honor than knowing he felt that pure trust for me. Gale guided me and he was always there. In my heart I know he guides me now, and I will protect his loves as carefully as he did mine. We have much to do and I know he is expecting great things of us all." I stepped down and bend to him and kissed his forehead. It was cold and rigid.

I looked at his face one last time and it was so peaceful and unblemished, that for a moment the night he had taken my virginity flashed in my mind. A single tear tumbled from my eye and settled on his waxed lips, one last tiny bit of me that would be with him forever.

Haymitch was at my arm and I thankfully let him seat me. I may have stood for hours contemplating the last tear if he hadn't been there. He put his arm around me and I simply closed my eyes and drifted away. I wished for Johanna, but she was unable to attend. For once, she has a supply of morphling that is to her liking.

I rest my head against Haymitch and as Coin gets up to speak I close my eyes.

The sun was shining and Gale waited for me at our rock. We were having a feast to celebrate the reaping day. I showed him the little cheese from Prim and he had bought bread from the baker. It was still warm. He has jokingly stabbed it with an arrow. I feared for him so much but couldn't show it. I had a horrible feeling his name would be called today. I knew for him to spend the money on the fancy bread from the bakery, he must be afraid too. He wanted us to have a perfect memory, just in case, and it was so perfect. I couldn't believe how good the bread and cheese tasted. The berries were so sweet. There would never be another meal as perfect as this one.

"Sweetheart, wake up. It's over."

My eyes flung open and I sob, knowing that the dream is over. Gale was going to be shipped home to District 12 and laid to rest there, while the gravestone here would just be for show. I had insisted on it. He would sleep in the woods, not in the walls of the city that took me from him.

Only a week went by before I stepped down the aisle with Finnick at my side. The irony of Finn giving me away was not lost on Haymitch. He had teased us in Haymitch cipher, but he'd actually managed to embarrass me a dozen times. Insisting no fish could be served at the wedding, he'd glared ominously at Finn. He'd smirked, as he'd ask Finn if he had any tips or advice for his new son-in-law. He'd called Finn 'Daddy' and then laughed as he'd apologized for using a possible pet name I hadn't quite given up. Finn took it in stride and discussed the acoustics of District Thirteen ventilation shafts.

I tried to spend time with Johanna. She was trying so hard. Finn, she and I treated everyone to a live performance of the Mitch-rolling song. She was so wound up on morphling that she could sing well.

Annie, Johanna, Posey, Delly and Prim were giggling and smiling bridesmaids. Pollux was adorned in a white camera ensemble broadcasting the grand celebration. I was nervous and beautiful in the dress even though my face had not fully recovered from my chat with Jojo Mason.

Cinna beamed at me from his chair carefully placed behind Peeta. Even Beetee looked handsome. Haymitch was all I saw from the moment I stepped out of the crowd. We managed to get through our lines, cameras and mob.

We posed with the beautiful cake Peeta had made us and we toasted the bread he'd baked for the occasion. It was full of nuts and dried berries exactly like the bread he'd given me once, ten lifetimes ago. As Haymitch broke it and handed it to me I found Peeta, tears fresh on his cheeks but smiling, and I loved him more at that moment then I ever had before. He loved me enough to give me his love, expecting nothing in return and I knew the price he paid. I bit the bread and sobbed in thanks to him.

I beam as my husband leads me out to the dance floor. My strong, dazzling Mr. Abernathy. I melt to him and allow him to guide me, just as he always had. I can't take my eyes off him and his eyes shine for me as if he still can't believe I am his. I can't believe it either and I ask him if he could have ever guessed that we would be here.

"Sweetheart, I never even thought to dream of it."

When Peeta takes his turn and we dance slowly because his leg is giving him trouble, I blush to discover he couldn't hide all his emotions from me. I pressed against him and I regret that we had never satisfied his want. I know this must be a bitter day for him in some ways, though I suspect he and Delly have something more than friendship between them. I blush and can't help but smile at him as we sway.

"I'm sorry, I can't help it. You look so beautiful." He whispered to me embarrassed at my discovery.

"Find black eyes and bruises attractive, do you?" I tease him and he relaxes a little.

"I am dying of jealousy because even bruises are beautiful on you."

I pulled him to me and pressed against him as if dancing was a form of torture and whispered back, "I have always regretted that we didn't. I want you in that way too. I will never be able to help it either. I love him, but I will always love you too Peeta Mellark. Always."

A very odd look sprung to his face and he shuddered against me. I covered for him, realizing what had just happened to him. "Oh god Katniss." He said horrified.

"Thank you for letting me see that." I whispered in his ear still swaying and admiring his will to not let anyone catch on. "Now lead me to the kitchen I am sure I am having a tiny bit of morning sickness. Keep my dress in front and we will get you out of here with nobody the wiser." I grab my mouth like I am about to throw up and he acts the perfect gentleman helping me to the kitchen. I look down at the spreading stain on the front of him and my pregnancy sensitive nose could smell his sex. I swallow trying not to let him see the desire in my face that his scent causes. "Go change quickly."

"That will be as obvious as this," he complains mortified.

"No, I will explain that I threw up on you. Peeta, I toss my cookies every ten minutes, nobody will question it." I giggle.

"Ok, thank you for that, I am just so, so sorry," he says disgusted at himself.

I pull him back to me and look straight in his eyes. "No, don't be. It was beautiful to see that on your face, even just one time." I kiss him quickly. He steps back, looking at me a little shocked. I shrug. He rushes into the cook's locker room and stole some chef pants. Haymitch enters the kitchen area and I quickly pretend to wipe the floor with a towel.

"What are you doing?" Haymitch questions. He is smiling sarcastically.

I laugh nervously. "I threw up on Peeta, he's changing."

Haymitch drug me upward and kisses me deeply. "You taste awfully good for someone who just vomited. I am something of an expert you know." He leans over me smiling menacingly backing me up against the counter. Watching my face carefully his hand moved to the dampness on the front of my dress. His fingers lifted to his face and an even more sinister look adorned his face as he wrinkled his nose and shook his head. "And that doesn't smell anything like what you're singing either little Mockingjay. Did your little boyfriend have a bit of excitement at my expense, sweetheart?" I couldn't tell from his expression if he meant to kiss me or kill me, but as he pushed up against me, I blinked when I discovered he too was in a condition that made no sense to me.

"I'm sorry Haymitch. It was an accident and he was so embarrassed. Please don't be mad." I wilt, not understanding what this could mean.

He pushes into me suggestively. "I'm not mad, sweetheart. Who could blame him? After everything, if you asked me for that, do you think I could deny you any pleasure of your little heart?"

I look at his face shocked by what he suggests. "Haymitch, I love you…" I say in appalled confusion.

"I know you do, that's why I am telling you, don't do it behind my back. But, if you find the want of him is more than you can control, it would be worth watching it finally happen." He smiles at me again, his hands on either side of the counter, trapping me and leaning into me showing me how the idea excites him.

My heart beat in my chest as if I am being hunted. He reaches up to my cheek and slid his hand behind my head and kisses me as he should only do privately. "I bet if I invaded your little under things you would be much less able to deny your own feelings." He reached up under my dress and did just that, grinning at his discovery and triumphant in my disgraceful damp betrayal of his love hours after I am his wife.

He looks at the wetness on his fingers and that is when I see Peeta standing there face dark with anger. Haymitch follows my gaze and smiles at Peeta. "Ahh, come here, best man. I need your opinion."

Peeta steps toward him trying to read my face as to what was going on. Haymitch thrust his me-covered fingers under Peeta's nose. "What does that smell like to you boy?"

Peeta sniffed the fingers like a fool, then the dawning on his face blooms with fear. "Haymitch, I didn't …I mean she didn't …Oh God just hit me. I'm sorry."

Haymitch laughs. "As I just explained to my little bride, I get it Peeta. The rules are, never behind my back. Ever. I might kill you in a jealous, drunken rage. But, we can make arrangements if the two of you ever grow up enough to see how much fun we could have. Not tonight, dear boy, but let me know before you're driven to madness by it all." He slaps Peeta on the back in a friendly way. He wipes the scent of me on Peeta's collar with a knowing smile. "Now we should get back to our party. It was a good plan and we will go with it. As under the weather as she is looking at this moment, it will certainly remove anyone's doubt about your little story."

We return to the party and I sit quietly baffled by my husband. He and Peeta made the rounds among everyone joking about his chef pants being the new vogue and how I had expanded the duties of the best man to include vomit detail. Everyone giggles and I looked perfectly humiliated and delicately ill for all to behold. Cinna wheeled up next to me.

He took my hand and I smiled at him. "I wish I could dance with you. Nothing like a good dance to get the bride chatting about the real story, behind the story."

I lean over and put my head on his shoulder. "Oh Cinna, I am just lost as always. I have no idea what is going on." I am being truthful and he pats me kindly.

"Well tell old useless Cinna your troubles and I will see if I can help?" he offered with a wry smile.

I whisper what happened to Cinna and he nods and smiles. He asks how I had ended up with Haymitch instead of Peeta. I explain about the drinking and how Gale had taken everything wrong and how it had brought me to even deeper sorrow. I told him what had happened and how Haymitch had used the rumors to protect everyone. I describe my multiple attempts to throw myself at Haymitch and how he'd turned me down until I hopelessly went to his bathroom intending to never lay eyes on a soul again.

Cinna cried at that and I am filled with shame. I tell him that Haymitch finally gave in to me. We spoke about Haymitch reacting with such morning after regret. I left rather than deal with how awful I must have been. He listens at how I blamed myself that Haymitch didn't want me. I explained my war adventures and even how Finn had tried to help. Then I got shot and all I could hear was Haymitch. He was the only voice I woke for. He assumed I was going to die or be a vegetable and he spoke his heart.

"I think I was lost to him a long time before I knew it Cinna. Maybe from the first time I woke up after the games. I love them both and I can't explain it. I picked Haymitch and it is the right choice. But he has me all confused now. Does this mean he is just taking care of me to keep me alive? I mean what he said sounds so disgusting. I wasn't even a virgin and he married me. Maybe he didn't want to?" I say in horror and holding tears in that don't want to behave. "I just came back from the dead. This has happened way to fast maybe. What if he regrets it again, or only married me for the baby?"

Cinna took my hands in his and looked at me for a long time. "Do you want to know what I think?"

"Of course Cinna, that's why I told you all of it."

"I think you made the right choice and only he can love you enough to make sure you didn't ever have a moments regret. Haymitch has never sent you what you wanted, but he's always given you what you need. Do you understand Katniss? Gale wanted to possess you. Peeta wanted to protect you. Only Haymitch could love you in every way you need. He knows what you need to live. He is your survival and he knows he may not…always be there. He is asking that you respect him enough to not dishonor that love he has for you, but he's giving you a means to save yourself and maybe Peeta too….again."

"But he said he would watch. Cinna that's sick in just a nasty way." I whisper quickly.

Cinna grins and covers his mouth, looking at me as if I am just the most charmingly stupid child he's ever seen. "He watched you and Peeta on the train. He monitored you in the training center. We all did. He even set Peeta down and explained the basics. Katniss we didn't want you to go to the second games a virgin. Maybe you didn't realize what Cato had meant about killing you his way. Haymitch couldn't seem to get Peeta on the confidence train and he was furious with him. On top of that your friend who walked you down the aisle? He had bragged about how he was going to tie your loverboy to a tree and make him watch, then slit his throat and take you again while Peeta died, so it would be the last thing he ever saw. There were already bets being placed on things you don't want to know about. Haymitch risk execution because he threatened Finnick that if anyone, not just him, but if anyone sullied you or performed anything but a clean kill that… Well he told Finnick to plan on his dying thought being that crazy girl of his being raped by him and anyone he felt like passing her around to every night for the rest of her life. It was the most delicious gossip of the season."

I went green with this information and the room was spinning a little. "My Haymitch? He would never hurt Annie. You don't understand. He would never hurt her."

"Oh darling, he never would have done that, but Finnick sure didn't know that with certainty. Not if he tortured you. And now you're all best friends." Cinna smirks at his last statement with a knowing smile.

"We are. Best friends, Cinna." I say warily.

" Haymitch cried the night you were burned in the first games. I did as well of course knowing it was my fault. He spent a huge sum of his own money on that little jar of cream for you. Didn't you know? It made him something of a laughing stock, to spend his own fortune on a silly tribute who didn't have much of a chance while the other lay dying. It's a good thing people laughed at him, because he broke many rules and escaped any form of punishment. He is truly the chameleon of the Mockingjay," Cinna said with a secretive smile.

"You didn't see his face when he said he wanted to watch," I say still upset.

"Katniss, in the capital fifty people in a room at each other is nothing. Besides, if there is a tiny possibility that Peeta could harm you, he would be a safety. Think of it as insurance that some hidden trap was not placed in the boys mind in case he failed. I would be terrified to let you be alone in a room with him in such an emotionally charged setting. Can't you see how it would kill Haymitch? What better wedding gift could he give you then a yes and still keeping you safe? So if he happens to be a little intrigued by the thought himself, why would you look down on him for it?" Cinna smirks and shakes his head at me as amused as if I had just told him I didn't know the difference between silk and satin .

I blush and lean my head on him. "Thank you, Cinna. I have missed you so much. I couldn't have been more thrilled you were still here. I thought of you when I. Well I would have been very disgusted to have learned I was the first arrival." I look at him and then I remember all the people who are there now. "So many there now," I whisper.

We both cry. He pats me and says we have to be happy this day. The voice arrives before she does. Effie Trinket stands behind Cinna. "I see you had a big, big, big day without me?"

"Oh God Effie?" I hug her. "Where were you?"

"Well I was in jail wasn't I. How on earth did this happen Katniss. I know you didn't plan this!" she says looking around and ignoring the little man in the chair.

"I helped a little, Effie." Cinna said in his quiet voice.

Effie blinked. She looked at me confused and said, "That sounded just like…"

I made eyes at her and she finally looked at Cinna. She shook her head as if she was seeing a ghost then her face crumbled and she let out a wail before collapsing in his lap blubbering with complete disregard for any form of decorum. She wailed gibberish as Cinna helplessly patted her until Haymitch lifted her to him and she continued to wail as he soothed her. "Effie, I didn't mean to destroy you. Oh honey, I told you I had a huge surprise." She glared at Haymitch and was so mad she slapped him.

"How dare you!" she spat.

"It's lovely to see you too dear, as always," Haymitch says sarcastically and looking at her as if she were edible.

She reared back to slap him again and I grabbed her hand and whispered, "Please don't slap my husband, Effie" I say catching her hand mid swing.

She turned to me horror struck. "What do you mean your husband? Where is Peeta?" She shrieked then bursts into tears again. "Please don't tell me he's dead and you settled for this…this…" She shoves herself away from Haymitch.

Peeta came to my rescue and she threw her arms around him. "Funny Katniss. I almost had a heart attack. Oh Peeta I am so happy.."

"Effie, I didn't get married. It is Mr. And Mrs. Abernathy." She backed away from us all as if we were insane.

"No. No. Katniss what the Sam hell were you thinking? You couldn't have…Him?" she says not hiding her disgust and making Haymitch beam in the glow of her abhorrence.

Haymitch stands, arms crossed, eyes twinkling and I realized he likes her in some warped freaky way. He found her amusing and even egged her tirades on, like right now.

"Effie…" I say letting my own genuine hurt show. "I love him. Please calm down. I can't…. We are going to have a baby" I blurted out.

Effie fainted. Not in a sweet wilting way, she dropped like a glass ball on concrete and the sound her head made was melon and yucky. I had to sit down quickly or I was going to follow her.

"Haymitch, carry her into the kitchen and I will bring her up to speed on the world of Mockingjays and chameleons." Cinna grinned and began wheeling himself toward the doors of the kitchen.

Haymitch scooped her up and Peeta grins and follows. I look around and sigh. "Oh go back to the dancing, unless someone else would like to debate my love life or insinuate that I am anything but the most luck girl in the universe that he would even bother to…" I bury my head in my hands and I can't stop myself from the water works. Finnick and Annie are by my side patting me and keeping Pollux at bay with his cameras.

"It's ok Katniss. She didn't mean anything by it." Annie sooths me.

"Yeah look at us. I mean everyone thought…Effie is just jealous. She and Hay had a thing like ten years ago…" he stops abruptly as Annie slugs him. "What?" He realizes she's mad and sighs, " I will go get Haymitch."

I lower my head to the table and sob as quietly as possible blocking out the whole thing with my arms. I don't care who sees, I can only pray it ends soon. I want to go home. Haymitch is at my side and I latch on to him as if I am drowning. I sort of am drowning in snot and tears. What a beautiful bride I am. "It's alright, sweetheart. It's all fine. Please don't cry. It's bad luck for a bride to cry at her wedding. It makes the groom look like a drunken slob who doesn't deserve her."

I laugh. "It's me who doesn't deserve you silly." I say.

He lifts my chin and hands me a hanky. "Oh dear. Cinna is going to want to do some repairs. Let's head into the kitchen, get you fixed up."

I nod and cling to him like a lost child. "Haymitch, why did you spend your own money on the burn cream?"

I feel him jolt slightly then he kisses my head. "So I would have something left to marry. Who told you?"

"Same person who told me I had made the perfect choice in who to marry?" I smile and kiss him nodding toward the kitchen.

" Cinna and I will still need to have a little talk, but I guess he can live if he's that damned brilliant." Haymitch shakes his head at me as he opens the door to the kitchen. "Cinna if you have finished with that annoying bit of fluff we have had a hormonal malfunction with the knocked up bride. It may be easier to chisel the rest of it off, then to slather her up again.

"Good lord did someone die? I have never seen her cry except..." Cinna says.

"Did I mention the knocked up part, I hear it makes them a bit emotional." Haymitch shoots back.

"Thanks my sweet husband – I mean someone in the city may have missed that I seduced you and you did manage to make me an honest woman in the nick of time, but maybe we could play that bit down, just a tad." I say trying to meet his silly tone.

"Well you're the one who told Effie – how did you think that was going to work out? She couldn't keep a secret if she shoved it up her…"

"Haymitch Abernathy if you say one more word I will Pee in every damned bottle you ever get your hands on." Effie says from under her cool cloth.

"Well, it wouldn't be the first time, would it, sweetheart? And, you're the one who made my wife cry on her wedding day, so you might want to end the holier-than-thou etiquette bash."

"Oh god … Katniss I am so sorry I just never, never, never expected. I don't even know what to say. Did he drug you? I mean I knew he could be a terrible person but…"

"Effie I would think you of all people would understand. Think about it. He has a few skills that could drive a person a little ummmm insane?"

Haymitch folded his arms and chew his lip with eyes dancing with mischief. He has some comment he is wanting to make, but he is trying to hold it in. It is bubbling out his ears in pure orneriness.

Effie is silent, but even her toes were blushing now. She sat up and looked at me as if she were furious. "Well nothing that spectacular Katniss. I mean after all …oh never mind. I am very sorry I hurt your feelings. But it would make as much since if I told you I was going to marry say President Snow." She shivers in revulsion.

I look away and can feel the tears starting again. "Haymitch take me home now. I need…" and the pain in my head nearly shatters my mind. My knees buckle and then I did vomit all over my pretty dress. Maybe it was the bullet, but I was beginning to suspect it was just weddings.

My fist found the dent in my skull and I press it as hard as I can, moaning in the shock of the instant pain. I could hear the surprised cry of Effie then I smell my Haymitch and he carries me. My huge dress billows as Haymitch makes our apologies. I hear Effie's voice change to kindness and I offer a weak smile in her direction, keeping my eyes squeezed shut. Peeta says not to worry, he will handle everything. He kisses my cheek and tells me to get better. Finn speaks softly to Haymitch and I feel myself transferred to Finn's arms for a minute.

Annie brings ice and holds it to my face. "I am sorry Finn. I know I reek" I am so embarrassed that I am like a helpless stinking child.

"Least you aren't bleeding on me this time. I've seen you smell a lot worse and puke a lot more. Long as you're Ok, I don't mind a bit. Anything is worth you alive. You know how happy Annie and I are for you, don't you?" He says with a grin.

"Never could have happened without you. Would be a funeral instead, you know." I look up at him with the eye that isn't watering in pain and that friendship-love we have for each other flashes so brilliantly in his eyes it gives me chills. We would die for each other without a second thought and we both know it. But, Annie's face is all fear and I turn to her and say, "This is normal. Don't worry, Annie."

"I will if I want to. And I want to," Annie replies. Leave it to her to not be bossed around about anything.

I nod. It hurts too much to talk, so I just close my eyes and rest my head against Finnick. I can feel the deep dent in him, from the bullet that had gone through his shoulder the day he carried me even though he thought I was dying. I put my hand there and it reminds me how close we all came to never knowing this day. I see him holding back Peeta in the tunnels, knowing he is moments away from death and smiling goodbye to me, not doubting it is the right thing to do. I see him trusting me to win for him. We are still here, and that is all that matters.

Haymitch returns and thanks everyone. I am beginning to twitch as he and Finn transfer the burden I am and Haymitch murmurs that it is the hormones interfering with my brainwaves. "She won't take her prescription for fear it will harm Haystack."

"Her name will not be Haystack!" I mumble and they laugh.

More than across the threshold, he carried me all the way home. It is really a partially defunct hotel suite my husband has wheedled somehow.

He helps me out of my dress and I am a comatose limp rag. I threw up until I thought I was going to die. Then I threw up until I wished I could. He ran me a warm bath and washed my hair as I moan in pain. "I'm sorry Haymitch, I am a terrible wife already," I groan.

"Yes, yes. Here, have a pill," he said, sweet sugar in his voice and brown whiskey on his breath.

I take it and swallow it. I reach out and looked at the lovely little circle on my finger. My head throbs but the sight of this ring makes me laugh.

"What's so funny"

I giggle. "I married you? And I spent my whole wedding trying to explain something and I don't give a dammed what any of them think. I think I am the luckiest girl in the world right this moment and I can't believe I let you knock me up, but as long as you're with me, I don't care. It's funny." I Take his hand and lay my head on him. I see pain cross his face and I don't want to even know what he's hiding. I close my eyes and the next thing I know he's helping me from the bath and tucking me into the bed. So much for our wedding night.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author: Howlynn  
>Realm: <strong>_**The Hunger Games**_**, Suzanne Collins  
>Story Title: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon11<br>Summary: Newlyweds are not all sweetness and light, at least not when they are victors.  
>CharacterRelationships: Katniss and gale/haymitch/peeta/finn , lots of other off camera pairings**

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><p><strong>Chapter 11<strong>

The wedding night was not what one could call spectacular. But I did wake my husband up with my tongue and he thought that was a magical idea. Maybe I was wanting to make up to him that my stupid head, tears and stomach had ruined the big night or maybe I just knew something troubled him, but I was so raw that I could barely walk and still I demanded him.

"Katniss, I am old remember? If you want more I will call the pup in here for you." He laughed and kissed me on the nose.

"But I ruined last night and you were looking forward to it." I grin and give him my best version of Finnick's seductive I-know-you-want-me face .

I try to pull him back to bed. He looks down at me, grey eyes gentle in amused adoration and returns my precise facial expression. "You are not fooling me, I invented this face. It will not work on me at this moment. Seriously I am calling Peeta. I can't."

"Could you if?" I say feeling silly for asking.

He looks back at me indecision in his face. "If what?"

"If I …" I say seeing he could, "told you yes? About Peeta? Tell me what you want to see?"

He sinks into me again and the things he tells me are more than I can imagine, but he can twice more just by talking to me. I try not to be shocked by his confessions; they must be tame to him. Iknow that Finnick may have taught me basics, but he didn't fully prepare me for Haymitch.

Our lives seem to revolve around duties and the trial of Former President Snow and dealing with people we love. My Mother is doing very well and Prim is signed up for a master healer school. She will be the youngest in the class of seventy. I check on Gale's family often. I blame myself that Gale isn't here, but I don't think they blame me. We travel to district 13 frequently and yet we are in the capital more than we are anywhere. We sort of have an apartment now. It belongs to a missing capital citizen and I worry that they will return for it at any moment.

I didn't realize how yellow Haymitch looked until I see our wedding pictures. He looks healthy and tan to me but as I look at the pictures I see that his eyes are even tinged. I speak to my mother about it, when I visit her.

Her first comment is that she can't believe I had to get into another scrappy fight just before my wedding. "I keep hoping you will outgrow this stupidity."

"Well, it wasn't exactly a fight Mom. Jojo needed to let it out and I just stood there and let her. I killed him Mom. I know I had to. I know it was right and he may have gone at any moment, but I put the pill in his mouth and murdered my best friend. A few punches? I'm lucky she didn't cut my throat."

"I will never understand you. The two of you behave like drunken rowdy miners, not young ladies."

"Yeah, well the professional killer part may have dampened the young lady part a bit. Soldiers mom. She and I were forced to be soldiers, not freaking capitol debutants." I know she hates me. My mother hates me because I kill. She never approved of me acting like a man, even when it meant I could feed us. Young ladies don't hunt. Young ladies don't go to the Hob. Young ladies don't survive the games. Young ladies don't start wars. Young ladies don't have sex before marriage. Young ladies don't get knocked up by men old enough to be their father. Young ladies don't have weddings while their mother is laying painfully half cooked in the hospital. Every breath I took seemed to disappoint her. "So, why is he that color?"

"Liver failure, Katniss. I am surprised he's lasted this long. Your husband won't live a lengthy time. Not if he's yellowing," she says callously.

"Momma he has to live. I am pregnant," I explain.

"I'm aware of your situation. I'm sorry for you. I know you love him but I can't imagine what you have been thinking lately," she says and fusses with how uncomfortable she is.

"What do I do?"

"Dry him out and pray it isn't too late."

I left the hospital and I walked through the streets of the city alone. I could not live if he died. It would make everything worthless to me. I would go with him but, I can't. I have to stay for the baby. It isn't fair. I feel like a trapped animal. I am never really alone, and I realize I am drawing a crowd of fans and I move on, trying not to be rude.

I return home to find him halfway through his second bottle. I am sure he's going to drop dead any minute. "My lovely bride. My angel," he says so slurred I am in shock.

I sit on the floor next to him. "Mr. Abernathy, if you don't want this baby you can just say. You don't have to do this."

"What? Of course I want our baby" he belches "My little boy will be a looker …and a half. Make ole Finnick look homely." He bends over to me. "And I plan to keep you knocked up from now till your fifty." He giggles. "Be a whole passel of Abb…ernathys to restock district 12. And all of them will be lookers. There goes the beautiful Abernathy horde….38 kids and still poppin." He laughed.

"I would be happy if you are around to see this one born Hay. You're Yellow." I say.

"What do you mean? I don't have a cowardly bone in my body. I drank it away and woke up to find myself married to an angel." He tries to pour more into his glass but he can't seem to decide which one he should aim at and gives up and swigs from the bottle.

"No, you are jaundice. Like liver failure, like still drinking yourself to death when you have a baby to worry about. Haymitch, please just cut down or something. Don't make me lose you," I plead.

His head flops on the table. He's out. I just sit on the floor next to him. I know it's bad for the baby, but I take his bottle and swig down four large gulps. I feel the burn in me and go to bed drifting away on the small comfort of a drink.

He comes to bed and I let him drunkenly fumble and fondle but he goes to sleep before he can manage to do much. I wake up soaked because he's peed the bed. It reeks.

I get up shower and sit in the corner behind the chair and cry. I hate being pregnant. Haymitch gets up, throws the bedclothes in the bathtub and he rambles around for an hour before he sees me. His eyes are cherry red and I wonder if this is really all other people see in my husband. No wonder they think I am crazy.

"Katniss what are you doing back there?" he asks scratching his naked chest.

"Haymitch, I am going to get rid of the baby," I say hating myself for saying it.

"May I ask what changed your mind?" he whispers, suddenly sober and his face filled with pain.

"Your skin," I say kindly.

He looks at his arms. "I don't understand."

"You are jaundice. Your liver is failing. You will die on me before you ever see this baby. I can't do it without you so I am just going to…."I can't finish.

"Kill another child for the capital?" he says with a mean glint in his eye.

"You bastard!" I scream launching at him with the intent of scratching his mean little eyes out.

I get a good swipe onto his cheek before he traps my hands behind my back. He folds my arms behind me and uses my fingers as his control. He smiles sarcastically. He has me in such a hold that struggling is painful and the only way I can not be in excruciating pain is to relax and be perfectly docile. He maintains his hold with one hand while using the other to roam around my body suggestively. "Why Mrs. Abernathy, you seemed distressed. May I inquire as to what has gotten your gander this fine morning?"

I squirm and he causes my arms to bend painfully. I still but refuse to give him the satisfaction of hearing me voice discomfort. "Let go of me, now!" I say through gritted teeth.

"I think not, just yet. Now tell old Haymitch what troubles you." He kisses me and I don't respond at all. He snorts a laugh and grins. I try to surprise him with force and he pulls my arms so roughly I think he may dislocate my shoulder. I wince in pain and bring my knee up between his legs as hard as I can. He pushes his breath out and looks at me in stunned silence as he collapses on the floor in a fetal position, curling around his injured crotch. I don't waste a second. I grab pants and long sleeve shirts and twist them quickly into makeshift ropes. I yank his hands behind him and pull his legs up behind him, making quick work of the knots till my husband lays on the floor hog tied and furious.

"Katniss what are you doing?" He growls and struggles against my bonds. I get his knife off of the table and I sit in front of him ignoring him and cleaning my fingernails. "Ok Katniss you win. You're scaring me, sweetheart. Katniss let me go now." He is really angry and he struggles against the binding material. " You better kill me or start running now, little girl, because when I get loose there is going to be hell to pay," he says in a charming purr.

I tilt my head and look at him. "You really could hurt me right now, couldn't you?"

The fury fades from his face and he takes a deep breath then shakes his head, relaxing a little."No. But this has gone far enough. Too far, in fact. So let me go and I will just say it was my fault and we can cool off," he says reasonably. When I don't respond to his calm request, his anger flashes alive again. "You can't get far my love, so you better take the offer before I really do get mad."

"I think I could get far enough, Haymitch." I meet his eyes and raise my eyebrows as I make my point. " I wonder if you could untie yourself before I stopped breathing? I could save you so much trouble. I will use the rafters and step up on a chair and let you watch this time. You can lay there all comfortable, not even fight and just watch me hang myself. Cause you're right. I would be killing my own child and I couldn't live with it for long." I stand up and go to our utility, returning with a length of rope. I silently tie the hangman's knot. His eyes grow wide.

"No Katniss. I am sorry. Please. God please no." He is crying drunken tears. He's shaking in his attempts to free himself. "You don't know what you are doing! This is your damaged mind. You need to call the doctor." He is saying anything he can to cover the way he is struggling to liberate himself and he isn't really understanding that I am perfectly lucid.

My knots are strong thanks to Finnick's many nights of patient teaching. My trap is without escape thanks to years watching Gale show me his secrets. "You're not understanding me. Let me show you."

I smile at him and toss the end over one of the metal rafters and pull the noose up high. I step up on a chair and estimate length. I tie the end of the rope to the kitchen pass-through and then reach up and demonstrate that my weight will easily be supported. I take a wedge of wood we use to prop open the door and kick it so nobody can get in. That shatters his bravado. He has seen that little trick before.

Haymitch begins to scream for help. He is franticly rolling toward the knife. I beat him to it and shake my head, he bellows for help. I am actually afraid someone may hear him. " Shut up, Haymitch or I will gag you. Then there is no more hope for talk."

Now his sobs become real. He is pulling against his bonds in frustration and softly begging me to stop. He is getting wild in his promises. I smile and sit back down in front of him.

"Now you are starting to find the place I am. Now you're crying. Trapped. Scared I am going to make you watch me die. How's that place feel?" I keep my face pure calm stone. He's seen me like this before. His wife is gone and the Mockingjay he created sits in the room with him now in full battle mode, willing to die for a cause and without the emotion of his pregnant little sweetheart.

"Katniss. I love you. I will do anything, but please. Please." He has given up trying to untie himself but I know if I were to really do what I am saying he'd chew his arm off to save me.

"Well, You and I are in the same place right now but we have different bonds. If I did this to you, would you think I am cruel? I mean can you imagine anything worse? Not only is all the fighting we did a waste, but on top of that when we finally have a small hope, I am willing to leave you by my own hand. Do you feel the cruelty of it?" I wait for his response.

"Yes it's cruel. Worse than Peeta strangling you, worse then you dying with 451. Of all the times you have…this is the cruelest. I don't even know why. If you do this, kill me first. I'm begging. I can't do this again. I can't see you die again. Oh God …why. Please, Katniss. Please, Sweetheart." He is sobbing and I can tell he's near breaking. His mind is so full of adrenaline his eyes are losing focus and dilated. He's resolving himself to tragedy. My Haymitch is giving up. Never once have I ever seen this on his face before.

I look at him, letting him see a glimpse of my love. "Now imagine if you had to spend months and months watching me do it? Would that be even meaner? Knowing you would have my child to take care of and see every day and knowing that I left you on purpose because you were not worth the effort. You were not worth staying for. Knowing I didn't love you enough to even care? Neither one of you?" I say in a soft sing song tone, soothing him into the picture I paint.

"What do you want? Please," he whispers, eyes gone glassy.

I take a moment to compose myself, offering prayers to Finnick's sea gods, and Gale's soul that they help me do this right. Give me assistance and make this work.

"I want you to live. I want you to choose us over this." I say reaching over him for his bottle and taking a swig. "I like you drunk Haymitch. But Momma says you will swell up this big with fluid. You won't be able to make love to me for much longer. You are going to have to be given enemas just to poop. You're going to be too tired to play with her, even if you live long enough to see her. You will start to smell bad and I will never get that smell out of my head. She says it will haunt me. So I have decided that if that's all you want to give me to look forward to, then I am going to pass Haymitch. Cinna says you are my survival. You don't give me what I want, but you always give me what I need. Give me more of you. That's what I need." I take another drink.

"Katniss, stop. It's bad for the baby" he says in a small voice.

Getting very close to him and laying down with my head so close I could kiss him I shake my head at him. "So is Hanging."

I search his face. He closes his eyes as his heart is breaking all over his face. He looks like a little boy. I have never seen him so vulnerable and I speak quietly, the way I do to him in intimacy. "So, here is the deal. You stop drinking until you stop being any kind of yellow then you can have some once in a while. If I have to be dry, for this stupid pregnancy, so do you. And for the other 38 if you really do keep me in this condition. I do, sort of, advise against it. I seem to be a little emotional."

His eyes opened. "Do you think?"

"Now the rule is that you don't have any chances. If this goes down your throat and I find you in your poopy pants. I won't say goodbye and I won't clean you up. You will find me when you get around to waking up. I don't care what you say or blame it on. That is the choice you make if you swallow." I reach out and touch his throat. "Down your throat, over mine. You will know. If you choose to make me watch you die, buy your own hand, then it's good enough for me too. You are my mentor. Do you agree or would you like the show now?" I smile at him.

He has tears in his eyes. "I agree."

I kiss him, lingering there hoping to get him less angry. He is like kissing a cobra, he may seem docile but I know him better. "You betrayed me with Peeta so I won't ask for your word, but I am giving you mine. Now whatever hell you want to pay me, I guess I have it coming. But I am going to let you go."

I reach behind him and untie the knots by feel alone, my eyes never leaving his. He closes his eyes and I see he's worked the roped clothing so hard they have injured him. He grunts in relief. "That hurts," he moans.

He sits up and he sobs. I carefully put my arms around him. "I am not going to do this to you mean. I am going to wean you so you're not so sick. But like you told me, not behind my back."

He nods. "I won't let you down Katniss. I swear it." He pulls me closer.

"I only want this baby because it's yours, Haymitch. I never wanted one before. Not just me you will be letting down." I sigh fearing that this will be a lot of fighting and only have one outcome.

"I never had a reason not to before, Mrs. Abernathy." He says looking at me with his face so open I almost thought I could see his soul. "Next time, you could just ask, you know."

"Sometimes you don't hear as well as you see." I reply in as close to an apology as he's going to get.

"I guess I will see, if you can handle me sober." His eyes fill with challenge and his own brand of dark mirth.

"I can handle anything you can throw at me except your last heartbeat," I say confidently.

"You will have to handle it someday, sweetheart. I have too many years on you. The odds are…" He stops, realizing what he's about to say and all it drags up with it.

"Haymitch. I know, but it is different if it is something you can change. If you get sick or die of old age, you can't help it. If you drink yourself to death, it is no different from a quick suicide. It just takes longer. Please, don't leave me on purpose. I will never forgive myself and nothing will keep me here. Nobody will ever be able to fix me if you hate me that much." I close my eyes and snuggle into his arms, letting the Mockingjay rest and thanking her.

"This time, I will let it go. I wasn't listening and you are not yourself. I am telling you for our future, that I don't do well with threats. This won't work again." He looks at me and up to the ominous rope still on the rafter. "There will never be another house with rafters. We are moving."

"Ok. But we are keeping the showerheads. Right?" I bat my eyes and smile.

"Bitch." He declares, but he can't quite hide that he doesn't mean it.

My eyes notice his arm. "Haymitch? Did you break your wrist?"

"I believe I did, sweetheart." His face shows an arrogant pride rather than pain. "I would have gotten out of the binds. Just for future information."

I roll my eyes. "I honestly never expected to get that far. Come on. Prim will set it, without asking too many questions."

"Let's have a last drink, sweetheart. You're going to need it when you hear my version of the accident."


	12. Chapter 12

**Author: Howlynn  
>Realm: <strong>_**The Hunger Games**_**, Suzanne Collins  
>Story Title: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon12<br>Summary: The Mockingjay flies but her wings will be clipped as she kills the wrong president. A nod to canon with twists.  
>CharacterRelationships: Katniss and gale/haymitch/peeta/finn , lots of other off camera pairings**

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><p><strong>Chapter 12<strong>

I was called as a witness in Snow's trial. My testimony was meant to incriminate him and I had no love for the man but I was soundly reprimanded by Coin for appearing almost neutral toward him. I testified that he did pin the children and plan to blow them up, but that he'd adamantly refused to do so when we agreed to terms of surrender. I was not asked and did not mention that he'd held a gun to my head. His war crimes were so vast that my small statements didn't have much effect on the outcome. He was found guilty of sixty-eight separate crimes against humanity. Twenty-six of them carried a death sentence.

Haymitch became the celebrity of the hour and all of Panem counted and celebrated his days of sobriety. There were endless interviews and speaking dates. My headaches came and went, but I had stopped taking the morphling pills because of the baby. He was yellow no longer and he actually looked more robust than I had ever seen him. My once drunken fool was now considered one of the sexiest men in Panem. I had known it all along and teased him unmercifully about it.

His version of the accident that left him sporting a cast, involved a confession that we were engaging in a little spicy bondage when everything went wrong. The gossips and media had a field day and I regretted not simply hopping off the chair when I had threatened him. He pretended innocence in that his wording had been fact and he had not ever intended that they assume it was during sex. His lack of denial and mirth at my embarrassment proved that it had been exactly what he'd intended.

My mother, treated him like I was an incapacitated person and he should be nominated for sainthood for not sending me away. I endured his fun. I knew I had gone too far and deserved much worse for my actions. Technically his version was less evil then the truth, so I let it dance in the media with a bashful embarrassed smirk and contrite wifely duty.

He kept his word about drinking and about Peeta. I did not request the adventure. Peeta went to him. I have to admit that the idea had settled with me as something I very much wanted to experience. Haymitch sprung him on me as a surprise.

Haymitch pretended to be very upset with me for tying him up to explain the importance of soberness. He decided that turnabout was fair play. I allowed his silly game, feeling ridiculous with silken cords attaching my arms and legs to the corner posts of our bed. I denied my husband nothing and felt it was asinine to feel the need to tie me up to perform acts I enjoyed in the first place. I liked the blindfold even less.

I lay this way for a long time and began to worry that he'd snuck off for a drink while he left me cooling my heels. Then there was weight on the bed. "It's about time I almost fell asleep on you," I grouched.

He said nothing but he began touching me gently with various soft things than made my skin simply come alive. Then he used his fingers and spent an eternity simply touching me until I was nearly hypnotized in the gentle sensations. This was a new game and I liked it very much. I was so deeply relaxed by this before his leisurely exploration of my desire that I had gone into a frame of mind that had become purely blissful trust. Slowly he built my pleasure then denied my release. He did this again and again until I was begging him to stop torturing me.

I knew his body hovered near me but he carefully arched so he didn't touch me. I could feel the heat of him. Finally his mouth brushed my lips and I was startled into alertness as I realized something was wrong. The mouth was on my lips again and I would recognize his taste anywhere.

"Peeta no," I say mortified.

I hear Haymitch nearby say. "Take the blindfold off now Peeta. Let her see you. Katniss I am giving you something you need my love and there isn't a damned thing you can do about it but enjoy it." With that Peeta removed my blindfold and there above me were his blue eyes so filled with love and joy that when he said my name with that question in his voice I struggled not to beg him.

I glanced at Haymitch and he smiled. "I love you, sweetheart." He nodded.

I turned back to Peeta and I cried "Please. Yes Peeta."

The look on both of our faces as we finally found the ecstasy of each other was what my husband wanted to see. He never said a thing until we were finished. "It's about time." He whispers as he undid my binds. I can't say I was comfortable with them both there but they were both so happy and so was I, that I couldn't be angry with either of them.

Haymitch considered my body a perfect visual aid in his mentoring Peeta into being a masterful ladykiller. It was so absurd between the three of us that it could only be giggled at. However this knowledge did give Peeta a new confidence that spilled over into his entire life.

He walked with new light and hope. It wasn't a terrible idea that Haymitch was there after all. What Cinna had warned me of, happened one night. My poor Peeta, was smiling one moment as he gave me pleasure and the next moment something brutal flared.

I was thankful that I had not been alone with him those few minutes. He was there one moment and the next I saw his eyes pin then dilate then pin again. I was unprepared for the fist and the change in his appetite. He pulled my head back by my hair and emitted a hissing static that could not be produced by a human throat. His lips pulled back and he rammed into me hard enough to crack my pelvis before he tried to bite my jugular. Haymitch couldn't break his hold on me as I tried to catch up with what was happening.

I spoke his name and he couldn't hear me. Something had restructured his programming and he was killing me. Haymitch is screaming and I hear the shoulder dislocate and the fingers snap before Peeta howls in pain and Haymitch drags him off me.

I am too shocked to move and grab my throat automatically before feeling the pain in my groin curl me into a ball and steal my breath. He struggles and Haymitch has to call medical services for both of us. It is another near scandal until Beetee discovers the cause. All the mutts in the city had gone mad during the broadcast. It was the television in the background that had resulted in Peeta's sudden instability. Beetee implemented that all capital tapes had to be searched for mutt code before continued broadcast.

I was in the hospital for a week. Peeta would not see me. Haymitch was bringing me home when some intrigue began embroiling him in capitol matters again and he came home that night pale and solemn. He wouldn't tell me what was happening, but I could tell there was something huge on his mind.

Coin poisoned my husband a week before the execution of Snow. She told me this was my last warning and that she preferred him drunk. I cried and promised her that we had argued and he had done it just to spite me. I didn't have any idea what it was that had her hackles up but I did know that I would not alert her to my attack. Liver already weak, I nearly lost my darling one.

I refused to leave him alone and only trusted Peeta or Cinna to watch over him. Peeta put his own issues behind him long enough to protect Haymitch. He understood better now. He was assured it would not occur again and even though he couldn't look at me without his eyes apologizing and gleaming in guilt, I needed his help too much to worry about the rest. I hugged him and acted like it was forgotten.

Peeta had another secret that I found very strange. He could control most of the former capitals Mutts. Round the clock Mutts now sniffed every food particle that would be consumed by Haymitch. Coin was irritated and commanded all Mutts be hunted down and destroyed. Peeta moved the whole army of them underground and soon anything he couldn't control was dead. I called him Peeta the Mutt Lord and he didn't think I was funny. He said Haymitch was rubbing off on me. Haymitch said that was insulting.

I didn't tell a soul what I intended. I stood in my Mockingjay costume while President Coin explained that there would be another Hunger games, featuring capital children and all former winners would vote. She was gauging who she had in her pocket. I voted for them because I knew it was what she wanted. Peeta was furious with me and even more so with Haymitch when he said simply "I'm with my Mockingjay."

Coin beamed and winked at me with approval. Haymitch gave me several sly glances. He hugged me good luck and whispered, "Fly, my little Mockingjay?"

I looked at him eyes wide and he winked at me. My execution of Snow was really just a staged thing. I was about ten feet from him. I met his cold eyes, no longer his enemy. He and I could have been friends if his power had not made him go insane. When he'd lost power and I had begun my visits to him, I found the man under the evil he had wielded. I came to realize, that though he had ruled Panem with a cruelty of titanic proportions, he had not created Panem.

President Snow had been driven mad with power for the same reason I began a rebellion. He had to protect those he loved, just like I did. He admitted that was why he was so effective at the games he played, because once he'd been a victim. I could understand him. This moment, I could understand him well.

His power had not saved them. He'd lost those he needed most. He broke upward instead of down. He had lost himself. He had lost everything and it gave him an eye to complete control. He even admitted liking me and it scared him so much that he'd needed to be in control of my destruction. He was cruelest to those he felt something for. He was sure I could not understand that part. I still hated him, but I did understand.

He had not created Panem. He had not made the rules. He had played, and every day, President Snow won his own hunger games. Every day was an arena in which all the other players wanted to kill him and survival meant the loss of humanity. I spent six weeks of my life in the games and it had changed me for all time, given me a cold cruel side. It had made me able to be the Mockingjay. It had let Haymitch guide that power to do good and do right. I had my mentor to keep my fire a controlled burn. Snow had spent nearly sixty years in the arena, the ultimate victor without a mentor or a single parachute.

I hated him, but I understood him now. I feared him only in that it could have happened to any of us if we had to make a life in the arena. In my nightmares I wake up every day for the rest of my life, in the arena. Lanus Snow is me if my nightmare comes true. He lived. He won.

He didn't make Panem, but he didn't change it either.

The question he asks me on our last visit is in my eyes now. With everything I did, what did I really change? Did my war win anything, or was I still in the arena myself? He wished me a fond goodbye and I bowed and kissed his hand and told him I would make the hurt stop. I didn't bow to the former President. I didn't give honor to the bastard who ruined my life.

I comforted a boy named Lanus who was reaped just like me for an arena that had no end. I kissed the hand of a fellow victor who really hadn't had a choice either. Yes he had done evil things and he had hurt people for years and murdered and was right this moment hated by every soul in Panem for the fashion of being on the right side. He was also the one who showed me that saying you have no choice is just an excuse for winners who have done horrible things to gain victory. He showed me victory at any cost and that taking the path you need is not the same as taking the path you just want. I kissed the hand that guided me on my final act of rebellion.

I have chosen the path I need. It is not the path I want. I want time. I want my moments of joy that I deserve. I want to live and hope it gets better. That isn't what I need. I need to change it all. I need to be the Mockingjay and finish what we started. I need my loves to be safe and know that I give myself to a new world in which there will be no victors ever again. I will be the last victor and I am content knowing that all the sacrifices made for the greater good will not be without hope.

I stand on stage in hope. I hope my choice is understood and that they let it change. I close my eyes for a second and I know he sees me. I know he's waiting. Tomorrow as the world changes, I will hunt in out woods and smile as he calls me Catnip. I hope for that.

I personally pinned a white rose over Coriolanus Snow's heart and he smiled at me and whispered, "In the heart of darkness there is a Rose."

"And by any other name it does smell as sweet." I purred back to him. He looked shocked and began to laugh.

I stood on my mark and met his eyes as they read his endless list of crimes and I waited for my queue. I took careful aim and at the last second I pointed into the balcony and the explosive arrow impacted and blew President Coin in half. Her top half tumbled from the balcony and still twitching landed among the crowd.

For a moment there is absolute silence then pandemonium slips into the world. I am very unceremoniously stunned with a crowd control rifle and Haymitch and Peeta scream, as I am drug from the stage. I try to get Haymitch's attention to say goodbye, but he is in full battle mode and seems to be shouting orders to a dozen unseen minions. The last I saw Snow he thought that the whole circus was the funniest thing he'd ever seen.

I try to not fight, but there is so much jostling that I am afraid I am going to be torn apart before they get me shackled and contained. I rip my hidden shoulder pouch and the nightlock pill is in my mouth when a blow came that knocks it out of my face. I watch it skitter across the floor and within four bounces it is crushed under the boot of one of my attackers. I stare hopelessly at the smear on the floor. "Oh, no. Oh my poor Haymitch."

Now he will have to watch. They all will. No.

A hood is slipped over my head and tightened down painfully on my throat. This is the thing that finally makes me struggle like a wild animal. I am beaten and roughly carried like a cannibals dinner for what seems a very long time. The shackles bearing my weight cut into my skin without mercy. I cry Haymitch's name. I want to just hear his voice in my ear so badly I wished he'd had that chip implanted in my ear after all.

I knew I probably faced torture and execution. But first, they couldn't touch me until the baby is born and second it would give Haymitch time to find someone stupid enough to help me. When they came to interrogate me I sing to them. I rock and pretend they are not there at all. I ask for Haymitch. One of my interrogators told me they are looking for him. He laughs and says they intend to hang him first.

I can't see who is talking. "Why would anyone be after my husband? He didn't do anything."

"He controlled the Mockingjay. That means he's guilty"

I laugh sarcastically at this idea. "Oh really, well I bet he would think that was really funny."

They left me chained to a chair for three days. I was a pregnant lady and suffering the indignity of wetting myself was probably worse than the terrible thirst. Nobody came to feed me or give me a sip of water. I only knew darkness fear and pain.

A commotion in another room brought my exhausted aching body to attention. Someone argued that I could not be held in these conditions. I didn't recognize the voice but soon I heard the door open and there was a confusion of orders given and finally the choking hood was gently lifted from my face.

A purple skinned man stood before me smiling. "Hello, Mrs. Abernathy. I am your lawyer. I will be representing you in your trial." He pressed a clean cloth to my face and wiped away the dried vomit. I had not even known I had thrown up. He pressed a straw to my lips and I guzzled the water greedily.

"We will get you cleaned up and your wounds dressed then I will take your statement."

My shackles are removed and I am helped down the hall to a small shower. They hand me fresh prison issue clothing and lock me in the tiny room. I turn on the water and remove the Mockingjay suit. I wash it in the luke-warm water with me and towel it off along with my body. I put it back on and use the prison shirt as a washcloth and rip the pants up to use as bandages for my wrists.

They tried to make me wear the prison cloths, but I told them that they would have to rip this suit off of me if they thought they could. "I am still the Mockingjay and I will die that way, not as your little drab sparrow."

"Fine cut it off of her." The woman guard says.

"Activate protection." I said confidently and smile at her as tiny pin-lights blink then return to hidden mode. "You can still shoot me in the head or hang me, but I advise against any other activity. Cinna is a master designer."

She smiles a little and nods. I return to another small room with a desk and the purple man was there. I sat down carefully. There was food placed before me, but I didn't touch it. I was afraid it was poison.

"My name is Luscious Markus and I have been retained to defend you." In a much lower voice he added. "I am a friend of he who designed your costume. He told me to tell you Haymitch is sending you what you need."

I smiled for the first time, knowing this message could only have come from Cinna. "Thank you"

"Please eat as I discuss your options."

"No thank you, I don't know where it came from and it is probably poison." I say calmly.

He looks at me confused but shrugs. "So let's begin with the big one. Why did you kill our beloved new president?"

"She was blackmailing me," I said softly meeting his eyes.

"Really and what could she use against you and to what gain?"

"Haymitch's life and to force me to exert influence on him," I say.

"You think she would harm your husband?" he asks amused.

"He just got out of the hospital. She poisoned him," I said simply.

He took off his glasses and looked at me quizzically. "What makes you think she had anything to do with it?"

"She told me that was my last warning. That the next time he bucked her, It would be her pleasure to watch him collapse in painful spasms as his eyes bleed. She said the next thing would be nasty. Belladonna and Yew mix. She knew I would know what it would do. That was why. And she was forcing us to continue the hunger games. She had no intention of making them a one-time event. I didn't fight Snow to put a new baby killer in power. That's what I fought to stop. If I let her carry that evil forward, every one fought for nothing. The life of this baby would be of no more value than mine or yours or hers. So I stopped her. Haymitch, how mad is he?"

"I am not allowed to convey any outside information. However he's has been arrested. I believe he confessed to ordering you to kill her." he says carefully.

"He didn't even know. I didn't know until I had aimed at Snow. I realized he was not the one who set off the bomb that burned my mother. She intended to kill me with it. I just didn't go as planned. I realized he was not the maker of the games. I realized if I let her, she would become him and maybe make things worse," I said.

"Hmp. Can you prove it?"

"You can ask Snow."

"Well that would be a little impossible. It seems he was tied in such a way that he could not keep his throat clear. He drowned on his own bleeding throat ulcers." He shuffled his papers and made some notes.

The food got cold and I wished I had something to eat. I was so hungry. I lay my head down on the table and fell asleep before I knew it.

I awoke being carried on a stretcher. I was taken to a hospital ward. After a few hours of poking and prodding and rehydrating. I felt better. They ask me to remove my cloths. I unzipped for examination, but I was not giving up my cloths. I knew I could not keep the Mockingjay image intact if I was paraded in paper gowns and prison garb. I did appreciate the real bandages and I had somehow broken a few bones in my left hand so they wrapped that up too. I asked every single person about Haymitch but they would only speak to me about the maternity vitamins and care of my wounds. They were like Avox with info loop technology.

Eventually I was led to my old training room and this became my solitary. I was bothered from time to time for a deposition, medical exam or for my lawyer to advise me that my trial was going well. I begged them all for information on Haymitch but they all said the same thing. Don't worry. So I followed that advice like I did all advice and I obsessively worried. Then it dawned on me why they wouldn't tell me.

They wanted me to live long enough to be executed. If they told me they had already murdered my husband, then I might deprive them of the show. Nothing ever changed. I knew in my heart that was why they blocked all information to me. My actions had killed him as effectively as Coin would have. It had been, buy my guess, more than three weeks since I had been put in this cell. He could easily have been killed already or could be dying at this moment for all I knew.

As far as eating, I was so weak from hunger that I shook all the time. I had feared that my food was poison, now I didn't care. I ate fruit and bread. I refused to touch anything that looked like capital food. I moaned for my husband and my Peeta. This room was empty of the luxury it once held, and I mostly sat in the floor singing to Haymitch's child wondering who would love her when we were gone and wondering if giving her a chance would be worth the suffering life would bring her.

How would the child of two famous victors ever have a chance to live? She would be played and filleted for the audience and Haymitch and I would never be able to protect her. My only hope was if I gave her to Peeta. He could raise her among his Mutts and she would be safe from the capital maybe.

Some days I found a little hope on my food tray. Some days the bread was too perfect and familiar to have come from any hand other than Peeta. I don't know how he managed it, but I always knew when love was brought to me on my food tray. I would lift the little loaves and eat them one tiny bite at a time, revering every nibble. I wondered if he could see me lifting the small pieces to my lips like a kiss.

My Mockingjay outfit became shabby and worn looking, but it stretched with my expanding middle and I washed it as often as I felt it demanded and would hold it out for the drier and put it on again.

My lawyer told me that my trial was over and I had been found guilty. He said I should expect to be sentenced in two days. I nodded. I didn't bother to ask about my husband. I knew by now he was gone.

The courtroom was chaos. It was disorienting for me and after searching for the face I knew I would never see again, I kept my eyes on my stomach and hummed the hanging tree song as they did all the unnecessary legal wrangling it took to get to the good part.

"…to be hanged by the neck until dead. May God and your Fans have mercy on your soul. Sentence to be postponed until the birth of the child you carry. Do you understand your judgment, Mrs. Abernathy?"

I stood up and said "Thank you, your honor." I sat back down.

They led me down the hall as cameras film and familiar capitol faces advise the whole country of my fate. They shout questions to me that I couldn't really hear or understand. I heard them say something about what I thought of Haymitch, and I burst into tears thinking of the cruelty they had to develop to taunt me with his name. I was near collapse and my head spun as I was finally shoved away from them and lead slowly down a maze of hallways.

I am shown into a room and chained into the chair. I lay my head on the table and close my eyes. My lawyer touches my shoulder and I didn't respond at all. I wait quietly. Several people enter, chatting and talking about things in jovial mumbles.

They take seats around the room and I refuse to acknowledge them in any way. I heard the door open. Everyone stood up respectfully, and then they are seated again. The new someone pauses, then slowly walks around the table flopping something heavy down and waits. The room is silent now. I sigh in contentment; nothing they could say to me would make me give them the satisfaction of acknowledging them.

"Hello, Sweetheart?"

Except that.


	13. Chapter 13

**Author: Howlynn  
>Realm: <strong>_**The Hunger Games**_**, Suzanne Collins  
>Story Title: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon13<br>Summary: Life goes on after the trial.  
>CharacterRelationships: Katniss and gale/haymitch/peeta/finn , lots of other off camera pairings**

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><p>"Haymitch?" I whisper, keeping my eyes closed. I have finally lost my mind. I don't even care. "I love you, Haymitch."<p>

I didn't care that a ghost is speaking, I wait to hear the voice again, willing myself not to breath. "Katniss. Can you hear me? What have they done to you?"

I open my eyes and lifted my head. Haymitch, dressed like a Cinna postcard, stood bending toward me. I suck my breath in and sob. "You're alive!" I forgot about my chains and I tried to launch at him. I was yanked back into place painfully.

He wraps his arms around me and holds me. "I thought they hung you. I have been going crazy Haymitch! I thought you were dead."

"No such luck." There are snickers around the room. " I am still kicking and I have not had a drink. Even though my liver damage was not only from the drinking. It seems President Coin was planning to remove me whether you cooperated or not. I have kept my word to you Katniss. For our little boy."

I look at him and accept his kisses. "I am so glad She will be with you. I am sorry you'll have to see me hang anyway. I never in a million years would have done anything so cruel to you had I known the end. But it saves her so it is more than I hoped. I am nothing but joy that she will live. I lost my nightlock, but it was a blessing. Name her Rue and if they try to-" I say lost in the smell of him. All I want is ten minutes alone with him. I need him and I can't contain my racing heart and breath. I look around the room of people wishing they would go away.

He stands up and digs out a few papers and lays them in front of me. "About that, I have kept up my end of the bargain and you will have to keep up yours I am afraid." He grins and winks at me. "Formal Presidential Pardons, all they require is your signature."

My breath sucks in and I scream in joy. "Haymitch. How did you? I don't understand."

"Well, I raised Geese and Little chickens insisting they not hang my first lady. To my delight they agreed to let me pardon my wife. Now If you don't mind, sign already so I can get these damned shackles off of you and greet you properly."

_The head of security, Peeta Mellark, escorted The President and First Lady to their first press conference since her sentencing and release today. The first lady was formally pardoned for her role in the death of the late President, Alma Coin. President Abernathy has stated all along that the Victor League would fight any capital punishment for as long as necessary. The President stated that he was pleased with the support he'd received for his wife's actions, though he admitted it was a situation of special circumstance and he vehemently refuses to condone vigilante justice in FreePanem. _

_Mellark has taken over as commander of the legendary Panem mutts. The President says he has every confidence in their ability to perform usefully. He was flanked by several of his security Mutts and The First Lady looked ravishing in her latest Mockingjay attire as she spoke of forgiveness and shocked all by walking right up to a beast and scratching it's head._

"_I wouldn't advise anyone else to try that!" Peeta says into the microphone getting chuckles from all the reporters._

_. The first couple beamed as they announced today that her release had brought celebration to every district and….._

I watched the broadcast while I sat curled up on my husband's lap in the privacy of our suite. I wore next to nothing and even our faces on television couldn't hold my attention for long.

Haymitch smiles and lifts me around before impaling me again. I am so fat I can't believe how awkward I feel, but he reveled in my much larger stomach and delighted me as he whispered silly things about coming in for a visit to my stomach. I lay in his arms, still reeling from the day.

I am annoyed that Peeta treated me so formally. "How did Peeta do, through it all?"

Haymitch smirks. "He didn't do very well at first. I won't lie. He somehow decided that it was his fault and he disappeared in the tunnels. I was formally arrested, hoping to deflect the blame. I told them I ordered it. Gave them documentation of what she'd really been up to. There was a coup. For three days we were at war again. The city was in chaos. Peeta came out from underground and he took over the broadcast studios with the help of Beetee. Next thing I know they have me sprung and we have an election. Paylor ran but Odair showed up throwing me support and between he and Peeta, I won. "

Haymitch sips his coffee. He laughs. "Hell, I didn't even say I would take the job. But they wanted to execute you still, saying if this is a land of justice, then there were no people above justice. Finnick talked me into it. He thought ahead and brought up the presidential pardon idea. It wasn't easy, sweetheart. I thought we would win. The trial went so well. But the citizens voted against you and said the evidence was clear that you killed her in cold blood."

"I did."

He looked at me, scorn flashing then guilt. "I have a copy of your last visit to Lanus Snow. Care to explain that scene, sweetheart?"

"I can if you want to hear it. You knew didn't you? You knew I was going to kill her. You told me to fly."

"I had an army there to whisk you away. Unfortunately, Coin had planned to execute you next and I didn't know it. They got you first and we were left sitting with our thumbs up our asses. After the overthrow we found out about it. Heavensbee finally spilled all, to stay in my good graces. You were to be charged for war crimes, just like Snow, " his face is pinched and careworn as he explains.

"I have been visiting him the whole time." I admit.

"I know. Why? I have racked my brain for an explanation. That, I never expected." He shakes his head. He is afraid of what I am about to say.

"You don't trust me? You really are afraid? Haymitch?" I smile. I should be offended, but I can't help it. This is funny.

He sits his coffee on the table. His breath slowly fills his chest and he twists on the couch and folds his hands together, steeples his fingers and hedges his response as he brings his hands to his mouth in thought. "I love you. No matter what you say to me. So long as it is the truth, I will stand by you."

The smirk disappears from my face. What he is saying to me is stuck on my face. "Anything?"

He blinks several times and nods. His eyes don't leave me.

I lean toward him. "Even if I killed lots of people? Even if I am a horrible person?"

"Yes, Katniss." His head nods still. He is resolved to stay with me no matter what?

"Is it because of the baby? I mean you would stay even if I betrayed you? For her?" My hand goes to my stomach.

"Yes." His eyes dart to my stomach. "Not because of him, but for him. I have spent a great deal of time existing. Then I started living again. The thought of going back to existing. No. Any consequences with you beats the nothing I have without you. I will accept anything you have to hand me. If you tell me you were conspiring with Snow, related to him, hell if you were sleeping with him. I don't care. You are here now. That, wretched and tragic as I have ended up, is how much I need you."

"Haymitch. You are going to feel so stupid…" I explain my visits to Snow in detail and how he had changed in my eyes. Hay practically held his breath the whole time. "Now to prove my point. Think about what would have happened if I had just done what I was supposed to and trusted that it would bring me what I wanted. I kill Snow. I am arrested. Tried for war crimes, just like him and I would be the one tied to the post now."

I place my hand on his leg and continue. " Instead, I thought I was required to finally die. To make it all change. I didn't tell you and I knew it was a betrayal of all our dreams and plans and wants. But I left that path and found the right one again. She was just like him. She wanted to play. She was determined to win, but she didn't count on someone playing to lose."

"So you did this knowing you would be executed? Intending to be in fact?"

"I had the nightlock in my mouth, Haymitch. I knew it would be easier on me and on you."

His eyes drop and his head shakes. "So? How did you?"

"Someone kicked me in the head so hard it flew out of my mouth. It was Ok. I got it. It saved the baby. So I accepted again, that I had to survive long enough for her to have a chance and it made me happy that she would."

He leans forward. "When the dust settled, I heard they found you chained to a chair. You had suffered. "

I nod. "They had a hood on me and I thought they had decided to just leave me that way. They told me they were going to hang you. I had an attack, vomited, nothing I could do. I cried for her and you. Not once for me."

"I got word from Cinna. Your lawyer helped? The image of you left there to die while they wanted to put me in charge. And I still didn't drink. How did he convince you to trust him?"

"He told me Cinna sent him. You were sending me what I needed. I knew you were alive, right then at least, but they were not allowed to give me any information about the outside. I counted the days, but when I hit three weeks, this surety that you were gone seemed to eat me alive. I would have forgiven you for drinking."

"They wanted to hang you. It was hard as hell, but I convinced myself that if I didn't drink, it wouldn't happen. Silly to let superstition be my motive, but that is what stopped me. It was about all I had to go on. Smart move not to give up your Mockingjay outfit. How did you manage it?" he smirked.

"I may have embellished its features a little. They didn't know what it would or wouldn't do. So I told them that that they could hang me or shoot me in the head, but the costume would stop them from taking it from me. Told them they would have to kill their Mockingjay, not a drab sparrow."

His head tilted back and he laughed. He is shaking in threatening tears, anger and hilarity. "If they had, I would have burned them all to the ground and pissed in the ashes."

I looked at him as if he'd lost his mind. "Ewww."

He shrugs and slips his arms back around me. "Is that all the traumatic dramatic confessions of my little hell-Kat?"

"Maybe. He was right, you know.?Snow? About him not being the one who made the rules. And about how we were the same. He played his games to win, thinking he had no choice. Coin did too. But they were tributes, not the gamemakers. Everyone sitting around doing nothing and playing victim were all in some way making the games." I say it quietly but it slowly sinks into him and he shakes his head at me.

"Well, I do feel stupid. You saved the world and I never gave you much credit for being very smart," he says rubbing my back.

I slapped him on the arm. "I think I was smart enough. I was smart enough to pick you, Haymitch."

"Yes. You are my brilliant little Mockingjay. The only woman I ever met who plays to lose and wins anyway. You have no idea, how much you mean to us all." His lips find me as he whispers the last part.

"Yeah. I will hold on to that for life, Haymitch. They loved me so much they wanted to hang me. That's as screwed up as Jojo. How is she?" I frown. Nothing had been said about her.

"She is." He sighs heavily.

Fear hits me and my heart sinks. "Is she dead?"

"What? No." He looks in my eyes and there is still murk and pain.

"Then what? Dammit what happened?" I stand up, dreading to hear she is somewhere needing me and I have not had her back. I hope she hasn't gone completely over the bend with all this.

"She is fine Katniss. She, would have been here, but she was certain you would not want to see her." There is guilt written on his face and I stand there for what seems like a long time before I understand that something has happened that doesn't involve shattering death but may be painful.

"Ok. I am not playing charades with you Haymitch. Stop scaring me to death and tell me?"

He stands up and approaches me, he tilts his head and rolls his chin, warning me he's going to drop a Katniss bomb. Just before he speaks, it dawns on me what he is about to say.

"I slept with her Katniss. I'm sorry."

I look at him, anger being my first reaction. While I was in jail being tortured, he and Miss My-stuff –is-hers have been playing house.

"And?" I say feeling my Mockingjay mask descending as I leave the word hanging in the air.

He shoves his hands in his pocket and looks at the floor. "And it happened more than once. Often in fact." He doesn't look up but just stands before me waiting. There is some acceptance in his stance as if anything I say right now, no matter how horrible will be taken without retaliation.

It leaps to my mind that they have more history than he and I do. My first fear is that he will stay with me only because I am going to have his baby. "Do you love her?"

His eyebrows fall and try to meet making his lids puff out, hiding his eyes in shadow. "Of course I do. You know I do."

I nod. "More than me?"

His eyes lock on me. "No. I see how you would feel that. It isn't how it is, even though you may want to use it as an excuse to leave me. I don't know what I would have done without her at the time. Katniss I didn't handle this so well either. She held me together. I didn't rescue you. I couldn't break you out. The judiciary forces held you and they were under the remnants of Coins followers. They left you chained to a chair to die, while they fought both sides and all the other factions trying to gain their power. There was nothing I could do. They have different rules and …it's complicated. Katniss. It's like you love Finn Odair. She is my friend and it doesn't cross that line into what you and I have."

"I am going to kick her ass, you know."

He smiles and shakes his head. "I suppose you will. But, will you forgive us?"

"Depends on if she's borrowing or stealing," I spit the words at him, jealous that she could win his heart if she put some effort into it.

"Katniss. I don't think you understand. She can't steal me. Only death can take me from you. It almost did." His face turns red and his eyes drop again.

"What exactly are you trying not to tell me?"

"Please remember, I confessed to save you." His head is tilted as he looks at me with his calm face trying to hide something horrible. "Let me show you."

He steps around the table and switches the television to feed mode. "This was my execution."

I turn wordlessly toward the video and watch.


	14. Chapter 14

**Author: Howlynn  
>Realm: <em>The Hunger Games<em>, Suzanne Collins  
>Story Title: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon14<br>Summary: Haymitch's execution footage is shown to Katniss. Happy homecoming doesn't go as expected.  
>CharacterRelationships: Katniss and gale/haymitch/peeta/finn , lots of other off camera pairings**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 14<strong>

I watch, standing in place. It takes place in City Circle. I can't believe the rowdy crowd. This is not the sort of scene I have watched since my youth. It is not an organized solemn event. There are tents and vendors and circus rides. It is like a party. Haymitch is painted red and naked except for a skimpy black kilt with a Mockingjay emblazoned on the front.

He is heavily chained and stands with his stoic trademark smirk as people mill around below. There is a line of people who one by one are having their pictures made with the condemned. It is the most horrible thing I have ever seen. They have made him stand there for ridicule, yet in the crowd signs are appearing. Some call for his death while others call for him to be released. Still others proclaim, "Haymitch for President!"

My hand goes to my mouth as they lead him up to the gallows. There are murmurs beginning in the crowd. They flash away from his face to show certain members of the audience. I see people I know and others I don't. Some have no expression. There are women crying and calling to him. There are people chanting "Hang the Chameleon!"

I watch as Haymitch carefully climbs the stairs. He can only step up one at a time, because of the chains. The camera finds Finnick and he is holding his trident and speaking softly into his wrist. There are odds on if the added chain weight will only snap his neck or decapitate him being scrolled across the bottom of the screen. I am near vomiting even though he is standing right here next to me and I know something has to save him.

He isn't even afraid. He is searching the crowd and smiling as if he's being honored. He is leaving me to rot in jail, never knowing what will happen to me and he looks like he's having fun. "You are such a bastard." I whisper.

He puts his hands on my shoulders and murmurs into my ear, "It gets better, sweetheart."

I glare at him. "It's like you want to goad them into it. Why are you red?"

"The stylist for the occasion wanting to turn me into the legend of evil. I was supposed to be the devil who was behind all the sorrow our war brought to the capitol. I was the one who killed their supposed savior by brainwashing you into doing the evil deed. Notice the horns?" He explains.

"You had a stylist…for execution?" I ask, disgusted.

"It was the last gasp of the old Capitol at that moment. This was only eight days after your arrow killed Coin. I had little word since finding out that you were to be tried. I had little hope at that moment. I was not unhappy with my fate, Katniss. Compared to facing a world without you in it, this was nothing for me to be ashamed of. "

"You would have died and left me to face it." I accuse.

"Being sad and contrite would not have changed what they intended to do. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of thinking … I was weak."

He is speaking. They want his last words to be a confession. Instead he pulls a Haymitch, typical rabbit out of the hat smirk and says, "I'm running for president and I would like to ask for your support –" They hit him with a rifle butt in the kidney and he buckles. The crowd roars with laughter. He finally stands again as they yank the rope around his neck and don't even have the kindness to offer him a blindfold.

I nod seeing that what he says is true. His eyes find the camera and he mouths, "I love you, sweetheart."

"My last words," he whispers.

They play a drum as he stands quietly. Then I see a signal and his eyes go wide at the split second he falls through the floor. My breath catches as I watch his body fall and a squeaky staccato scream escapes me as I see his body has slipped down, leaving the rope snapping back upward, noose still attached. It is announced that he must have lost his head, but then at once there is a new panic as the gallows leaps into flames and the crowd backs away.

The officials try to escape but they are engulfed too and begin diving off the tower. They land in broken burning heaps and still I don't understand.

"I don't understand what is happening? Where are you?"

He smiles and backs the feed up, replaying it in slow motion. "Don't watch me. Look under the tower."

I watch frame by frame as the tower area dents down slightly in preparation for his fall. The noose splits then snaps back and he falls through the ground and the earth appears to instantly fling back in place as the noose shoots back up through the trap door. In midair the loop closes again looking as if it is whole. People stand in place as a small flicker leaps into inferno.

"The noose had a magnetic joint. I fell through two trap doors and onto an underground airbag. The Mutts lifted me chains and all and the fire covered our escape. Mutts, Avoxes, conspirators, and a fire bug joined Peeta and Finnick for my rescue. Annie was in that crowd passing out flyers. You know how she feels about crowds. The tower was oiled with hover-craft fuel instead of sealant and it had been given three coats and then sealed. A friend of Johanna's produced an incendiary jell that was liberally beaded along the perimeter of the platform, trapping those who might have escaped. It burned so hot it melted the iron rails and seventeen died trying to escape. Three survived of those who stood on the platform." He explains in a voice detached and composed.

"Peeta saved you?" I smile at this information.

"A lot of people did. It took a lot of risk and belief." He shuts the feed off and turns to me. "Tell me they didn't waste their time."

"They made you president. How is that a waste of time?" I say still staring at the black screen in adrenaline rush and waiting for my heart to calm down. "So you knew this? That's why you weren't afraid."

"I didn't know. Not a clue." He looks at me as if I have made a joke and he is waiting for me to say the punch line.

"And then they made you president. That should be an interesting story." I say sarcastically.

"Katniss. Please understand where I was? Forgive me?"

"What if I don't?" I ask. I don't know why I am so mad, but it is just too many emotions for me to sort out yet and I don't like being pushed to say words I can't feel.

He looks at me for a long time then drops his eyes. He doesn't say anything and I am frantically trying to sort this information. I have a million questions, yet I can't ask any of them. I know I will forgive him, but right this second I am still trying to get over the image of his neck in a noose as it falls. I need a drink, badly, and I can't have it with him here now playing sober. Rolls reversed, but it annoys me that I mustn't drink at the news I've just experienced.

I wish for the mood we'd had when we got here. I still don't feel like it could be called home, having never set foot here except a few hours ago. It is gone and I don't know how to fix it. I want him to not have told me all this yet. I want to have just had one night of just being in his arms in peace. I am getting ready to ask for a time out so we can go to bed, when I realize he is standing by the door. He's pulling on his coat.

I wait for explanation, but he doesn't give me any. I step into the foyer; I wait to see what he says.

"Going someplace, sweetheart?" I finally ask.

He opens the door and turns, "Yes, I am." He closes the door hard but not quite slamming it.

I stand there for almost an hour, just expecting the door to open again. Then I feel like I am waking up and take a deep breath. Johanna. Tears sting my eyes but I won't cry. I don't cry for me.

I wander around this presidential suite, thinking of how this all has gone sour so fast, when hours ago I would have done anything to had any hint that there was life ahead. How is it, this feels worse?

There is a full bar here. Every bottle is sealed and new. I randomly pick one and pour the short squatty crystal glass to the top. I take a swig and sigh. The door opens and I don't look, but my heart beats hard. I smile, realizing I am caught, but the pace is off the step and I turn to find Peeta hesitantly standing in the doorway.

"Welcome home?" he says softly and opens his arms as if he may be rejected.

I walk slowly and keeping my glass in my hand, I snuggle to his chest and his arms are gentle around me.

"Rough night." I say.

He looks down at me, blue eyes sympathetic but intense. "What happened?"

"I don't know." I take another gulp of my drink and it makes my stomach burn.

Peeta takes it out of my hand and looking annoyed sets it on the counter. "Can't be that bad, preggo."

"Where did he go?" I ask intending to finish the glass whether he likes it or not.

"If it makes a difference to you, maybe you shouldn't have let him leave?"

I step away from Peeta, finding no comfort in his words, and pick up my glass again daring him to try taking it again. I swallow, keeping my eyes on him. "He does what he wants. He always has. If he gave a damned he wouldn't have left. I know where he went. Kind of says it all, Peeta. All I need to know was said with that door."

"Katniss. I think you need to—"

"Don't. I was sentenced to die today. He swooped in and rescued me. He brings me home to do the deed privately. Mission accomplished." I drink the last of the glass.

"That isn't true."

I smile at him. I fill my glass again. "Guess again." I toss the rest back in three gulps; throw the glass across the room and cross my arms, waiting to see what he says.

"He loves you. Stop." Peeta is watching me.

"Tell him I will let him know when I figure out where I'm going." I go to the bedroom. The only clothes I have to choose from are the old Mockingjay outfit, worn and horrid looking, or the crisp new one. I slip into the old one and when I return Peeta stands up.

"You can't leave," he says in his quiet way.

"Really? Because you say so or because he does?" I ask darkly.

"How about because you are the First Lady and you will need a security detail?" He laughs.

I turn to him furious. "I won't be a prisoner another moment!"

"You aren't. I will take you anyplace you want to go. You aren't a prisoner." Peeta says as if I am overreacting.

"Thanks. Thanks for everything. But I am not the first lady. He picked. Call this making room. My first night in months, I just wanted to breathe and he has done everything he could to pick a fight, then I didn't even yell and he went away anyway. I am not staying. Spin it however you want. Say whatever you want. The Mockingjay is flying the coop. You want to stop me? Better tell them to shoot to kill, Peeta."

"Katniss, what the hell is the matter with you? You just got here." He steps toward me and I back away putting the couch between us. "Katniss?"

I go to what I assume is Haymitch's desk and open the left hand drawer. He is a creature of habit. I pick up the knife he used to sleep with. It's mine now. I pick up the other items and toss them back. I took a fountain pen and wrote across his calendar. "You closed the door. Move her right in. Don't save me anymore. I forgive you."

Peeta watches me. "I am not letting you out the door."

I open the window and smile. "Wasn't going that way." I step out and away before he has time to realize what I've said.

Oh crap the air is cold. I creep the ledge as Peeta screams at me to get back inside. His head pops out the window. I am sliding down the electrical conduits and making my way across the courtyard. I have about ten minutes before the search goes full scale balls to the wall hunt. As I race the security beginning to gear up, I run with all the anger and hurt of a scorned woman and the monster I am, powers me with pure focus.

I am darkness. I am the silent huntress of the wild. The animal can smell them and hear them and respond to their thoughts before they even occur. The mutts are coming after me again in my endless arena. Even they are not able to catch the shadow of the Mockingjay as it exits this bloody place of constant grief. I fly from my husband and his Mutt lord. I don't belong here anymore.

I am no longer Katniss, Tribute, Victor, Mockingjay, Wife, Condemned, Rebel, Prisoner, Victim, Destroyer, Girl on Fire, or the one they used to love. I am darkness and I no longer believe in the light.

I can hear the patrols that would drag me back lumbering by, searching for quarry. I have no fear left. I have the stealth and patience to avoid even the noses of the mutts. I know how to escape the city. There are unmanned remote cameras buzzing and zipping all over the city within half an hour. They search for me, thinking I am simply wandering the streets like a foolish child on a pout. I may be a fool, but right this moment, I am a free fool. By that time, I am buried in refuse being carted out of the city in the festering heap of garbage they never would think to search.

The stench is eye stinging putrid and not even a mutt nose can penetrate this foul odor. I lay with my nose tucked in my oxygen mask and protected from the elements by the heat generated by the rotting waste. As the train pulls through the capitol tunnels I let my eyes close to the soothing vibration. In moments I am securely asleep, as the garbage hauler puts distance between me and all the trappings of a world that didn't need Mockingjays any longer.

I wake up to the stench I covered myself with. It has seeped past my mask. I stir and lift the canvas to see daylight. Peeking over the top, I see wild choked woods, but the train is speeding along and I can't hop out until it slows. When it does, going up a grade, I jump and tumble from the lowest spot I can reach. Skinning my hands, and banging a knee, I let the pain kiss my soul, but my body ignores it. I lay still until the last car passes then in the crisp cold air I stand. I have no idea where I am, but I know the direction to District Twelve.

The first three days are the hardest. I am pregnant and haven't trained for a mission in months. I rest when I am tired and scavenge roots in the ground beings I don't have a bow and didn't think to bring any twine for traps. I like the solitude. I had gotten used to being alone. I didn't like it before, but here I am finally free of it all, so it feels more like a gift than a punishment.

My soul is ragged. I could have just said I would forgive him and I could be in his arms right now. Instead I am bone tired, cold all the time and probably going to starve to death before I ever make it home. He always said my plans suck. In this case, I am not sure they do. He would have stayed, but only from obligation to the baby. That wasn't enough for me.

Johanna would be making horrible jokes about me by now. They would drag me back if they found me. Maybe putting me in another little capitol cage, was the next step. I was happy Haymitch was going to lead the country. I would have stood by his side even after Johanna, but he gave her my night. It was the most important night ever and he walked away.

I managed. I made progress every day. The weather was unseasonably warm and I put up with the aching muscles and the hunger. I slept at night and either the baby kept the nightmares away, or I had outgrown them. I dreamed of Gale a lot. I felt close to him here. She had stolen him too, but I didn't count it in the same way. This time, I couldn't overlook it.

By the third week, I was looking like a half crazed wood waif. I am getting weaker. I fear I am not going to quite make it. The rest stops have grown and the progress is slowing. I am weary of this long walk. I am possibly losing my mind a little because I can't keep my thoughts and memories straight. I find myself talking to people I love, just as if they could hear me. Sometimes I wake up and it is afternoon before I convince myself that Gale Hawthorne is really dead. I hear my father singing in the distance sometimes, but no matter how fast I travel, I can't catch up. The Mockingjays sing Rue's song and I think she may be waiting up ahead, and then realize that is not possible.

I wonder what Haymitch thinks of me escaping all his security and just vanishing. He is more than likely relieved to be rid of me. I refuse to long for him, because I nearly destroyed myself with that in prison only to find out that he moved on. He'd said that he didn't love her more, but to walk out on me was bigger than words. I had done the right thing. I had done the justified thing. God I missed him.

I am sitting on a log panting when I felt her. I was so tired I could have scrunched down in the grass and slept forever. It is such a strange thing to be kicked from the inside. I did cry, because I felt guilty for taking this moment away from Haymitch. No matter what, I should have stayed. I knew it was too late to regret, but at the same time, this one thing made it clear to me that I had to go back. This baby was ours, not just mine. I had no right to take her from him even if I had to see Johanna in his eyes for the rest of my days. We made this little person and the universe had not saved us for me to be selfish.

Pride has exhausted me. I have made these choices for my pride, only because he hurt my feelings. He forgave me Finnick. He forgave me all my risks and daring fate as I drunkenly played soldier. He forgave me not caring about him enough to bow out of the capitol suicide mission of 451. He even predicted that I had betrayed his and my future by taking vengeance on the new tyrant. He gave me Peeta in the only way I could have safely ever had him, without putting his own possessive needs above me. I am pouting about Johanna. I am mad. I laugh as I realize I am too tired to move on.

I am not hungry because my body is conserving fuel for the baby. I accept that I may not make it. If I'd just had a bow. I look around this tiny clearing with the sun streaming in golden ribbons onto this very place I sit and I know that in a few days, the choices will be over. The only part that aches is that I left him mad and I destroyed the most beautiful thing I ever did by acting instead of thinking.

I looked up and a boy stood near me. I lift my knife and threaten him with my eyes. I search the woods for signs of others and know that if there are more of them, I lose.

He leans on a tree, arms crossed. He looks at me with his gray eyes and I study him back trying to place him from the seam. "So on a walkabout while knocked up. Sweetheart?"

I am startled by his calm voice and I am sensitive about the fondness. "What do you want?"

"To be an Uncle. I have been watching out for you. Names Jamie."

"I don't need watching out for. Do you know who I am?" I look at him but can't place where I have seen him before.

"Everyone needs someone to look out for them. Even my stupid brother." He smirks.

"You remind me of someone. Where to you live. This is the wilds." I say trying to figure out if he means me harm.

"I live with my family. We left Panem long ago, before your war. It's a hidden place we call, Hope." He tells me this and seems to exude a peaceful intent.

"I don't mean to trespass. I am just passing through on my way home. You know the war is over?" The baby kicks again.

"You are welcome to stay with us if you need to. We keep up on your little intrigues. You would be welcome here Katniss Everdeen, but I do think you need to go on." He says with a gentle face.

"It's Abernathy now. How do you know my name?"

"Is it? Are you sure? How many days do you have it guaranteed? How many have you wasted?"

"I just want to go home." It sounds like a pathetic confession.

"Yet you are here." He says obliquely.

"I needed to rest. I left with no supplies. The pickings are slim this time of year." I shrug as if this should be expected.

"Follow me." He smiles and turns.

He waits and I don't know why I do it, but I do follow him. He leads me to a tree and he reaches inside. He hands me a chunk of honeycomb. I eat it, bee larva and all. I am too hungry to do other than accept it. He hands me more and I take it with a little more manners this time. "Thanks. Jamie?"

He nods and smiles. "I told you I have been watching out for you. Rest here. I am making you a fire."

"I need to move on. I don't need a fire."

"Then I need a fire, to cook this groosling." He holds it up for me to see. I had not noticed it before. "I would share it with you for the company."

I glare. "Not that hungry."

He laughs. "And I am not that desperate. Distant company, sweetheart. You haven't looked in a mirror for a while I take it?"

I look down at myself and realize I am two weeks past filth and pig waller. I blush but he probably couldn't see it past the dirt. The worst Seam urchin ever bred would look capitol compared to my current appearance. "Sorry. Habit."

"No harm. Follow me. While I cook, I can help you with that." He leads me into the forest and down a steep hill. I can't see the bottom of the holler because it is full of fog.

"What is this place?

He points and I hear the hidden gurgle of water. "It is a hot springs. Be sure to take the waters. They are said to refresh the soul. Take your time. On my honor you will be undisturbed and unmolested. Shout for me when you have finished and I will lead you back to our camp. If your eyes are sharp, you will find strawberries on the bank." He says kindly.

"That's impossible. Wrong time of year." I correct.

"Not here. Not in Hope."

I shrug. No reason to argue with stupid people. I shiver at the warmth I feel behind me. I kick off my boots and stick one frozen toe into the water and I sigh at the pleasure. I can't wait. I slip into the pool, clothes and all.

The water smelled strong, but the taste is sweet. I had not been clean in so long, I forgot what it felt like. I had no soap to scrub the brambles and oil from my hair but I did what I could to finger comb the knots and tangles that my braid had matted into. By the time I emerged into the chill air again, my body seemed to be part of the surrounding vapor and even my bones felt toasty and warm.

I lay on a rock in my tattered but much cleaner uniform. It was gray by now and the fabric had frayed areas and spots of wear on knees, elbows and between my thighs. I had come so far in this wrapping, Cinna's suit felt like an old friend now.

My eyes spotted red among the crisp green grass and I smiled, finding a tiny strawberry waiting to be plucked. I reach down and bring the fruit the size of my pinky nail to my lips. I groan at the burst of flavor on my tongue.

More become visible and I follow them with greed and delight. I smell wood smoke in the distance and after eating my fill of berries, I follow the landscape back to the boy. I enter the clearing soundlessly but he speaks to me without looking up. "Do you feel better now? Girl on fire?"

I sigh and frown. My skills at stealth must be waning. "I feel cleaner."

"I made you a bed. You may rest while the meat cooks. You need not fear, Katniss."

I started to protest but warmth and exhaustion called as I looked at the blanket covered grass cushion he'd fashioned. "Why are you doing this?"

He stands and smiles. "I told you. I am watching out for you."

"Uhh huh. But that isn't a reason. Not that I don't appreciate it, but you must have some reason for helping me?"

"Rest now. We have many things to talk about, but you need the sleep more than explanations right now."

I knew he was right. I was too tired to even care. I sank into the comfortable fragrant nest and only watched the fire for seconds before I lost the world to deep slumber.

"Catnip?"

"Gale? I miss you so much." I spin and I am at his gravesite, but the stone is gone and he is here instead.

His gray eyes look easygoing and contented. He looks at me in that tender way he had when we had belonged to this place. "I miss you too. I thought it would be longer before you came. Why did you throw it all away Katniss?"

"All what?"

"Everything. Life. Hope. The whole prize of the future you deserved. I'm disappointed in you." He tilts his head and then smiles sadly. "You finally have it all and this is all you did with it."


	15. Chapter 15

**Author: Howlynn  
>Realm: <em>The Hunger Games<em>, Suzanne Collins  
>Story Title: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon15<br>Summary: Katniss and Gale and what dreams will come.  
>CharacterRelationships: Katniss and gale/haymitch/peeta/finn , lots of other off camera pairings**

_(Yes Gale fans, this chapter is for you)_

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><p><strong>Chapter 15<strong>

"What do you mean? All I did with it? I'm not dead. I'm fine. I will be fine." I say in confusion.

"Sure. Sure you will be. Only, you are only thinking of you. You will never get it, until that changes." He takes a step toward me.

"Yeah? I think I have given enough that I earned it! So what?" I walk toward him and he vanishes into nothing. I stand there, sucking my breath for a second, staring at the spot he'd been in.

Right behind me, in my ear, "Catnip. You have been hanging to the world by tangles, tie some knots baby? I don't want you here yet. Please. I only thought I was ready to die. I didn't understand everything I would miss."

I turn my head toward him, and reach out to touch him, but my hand passes through him. I don't understand, he looks solid and I hear him clearly, but my eyes and ears are lying. There is nothing there but a pretty shadow. I can't explain any of this and I can't place myself in time. This isn't real, but it is.

He laughs and tilts his head as his eyes twinkle. He moves around me, circling me inches away. "That frown. I miss that. It is more set in my heart than your smile. Someday, you will learn to smile. Your face will be gentler after you are a mother and I will miss that. I won't be there to know that girl I love as you finish growing up. I won't get to tease you about your first gray hair. I won't get to call you granny."

"Gale? Where are you?" I whisper as he vanishes again.

"I am watching. It's all I get now. I can't change anything for you," he says, from a tree branch above me.

"I killed you." It sounds like part accusation and part confession.

"You only kept your promise. A difference of moments. Forgive yourself." His voice is close again, next to me.

"I can't." I spin looking for him. "I don't even want to."

"Do you think it will help me? Holding that act, like tumor on your spirit?" I feel a chilling breath on my neck and close my eyes as his lips come in contact with me like grave shivers.

"If I let it go, I lose you. I can't," I whisper.

"You didn't lose me. I lost me. I knew, Catnip. I would have let them all die for you. I washed Johanna. I knew what it would do to her. That was why I picked it. The water."

I have tears in my eyes as I shake my head. "No. It was her. Coin did it. Not, you. No. I am dreaming and this isn't real. I will never believe it. Not you."

He looks at me directly, leaning over to make me look in his eyes. "It was her, but I knew her plan. I protected my family, you and Johanna as best I could, but I would have let her kill Haymitch, Finnick and a thousand more to protect you. I was selfish. Forgive me?"

I look in his eyes for only a second and nod.

"There. You give me forgiveness and you mean it. You always test your wings on me. Now do it for yourself. Then do it for Haymitch and Jo. She promised you once she would hold him together until you got back. She did, the only way she knows how. It doesn't mean anything. Don't make the same mistake with him…that I made with you." He waits for my mind to dissect what he's said.

"Why didn't you … believe in me, Gale?" I ask silently in my mind, but I see on his face he heard.

"I was just a dusty little coal miner. I didn't know what to do with a diamond. I knew from the start I couldn't keep you. I believed in you. I lashed out, but it never was about you."

"Yes it was, Gale. Everything about me that I thought was good left me when you did," I say just realizing it myself.

"I never left you. Not even now. I never will."

"You are wrong. I'm no diamond. Just a heartless cold stone. I can't feel anything anymore. I don't want to feel anything. And you? You are gone. I like it here. I think I belong right here." I sit down stubbornly deciding I am not leaving.

He is sitting next to me, but he doesn't look at me, just off in the same direction that I do. "What about her? You feel that. If she was mine, would it have helped you?"

I sigh. "No. I do love him."

"I know. I knew it before you did. I was angry. The things I said to you may have been wrong and hurt you deeper than I could see at that time. But they sent you where you needed to go. It may have seemed random and hateful. I regret the words with more pain than they caused you."

He pauses and I confess to this imagination-Gale the guilt I hold. "I tried to kill myself. The first time I saw you with her. I knew you were with other girls. But it was her that made me give up. Peeta broken because of me, piled on top of those things you said and you moved on so easily. Haymitch said I deserved it for not telling you the truth. I had tried. I hung myself and I almost got away. He caught me. I was on my way out the door to finish the job, and he finally gave in. The bruises you saw when I showed up to fight? I saw you and Johanna, and I was unspeakably jealous. I ran to Haymitch and he turned me away too. Before that, he was just lying to protect you for me. So if you were captured, they wouldn't do to you what they did to Peeta. But you believed the worst of me and picked someone who…"

"I never even suspected. I never imagined. Katniss, I did move on. I had to. She never made me forget you, but she did ease the fact that even when you were in my arms I saw them all devouring the little girl from the woods. My Catnip was not in your eyes anymore. They made you the girl on fire because they were burning you alive. I couldn't save that part of you and I couldn't watch it any longer."

"I don't blame you. I saw the same thing. The hate took you like the games took me. I was glad you loved her in the end. She loved you. Still does even though she won't talk about you at all." I forget for a second that he's not really there and I reach out to take his hand. Mine passes through his and I close my eyes, wondering what this all means.

He speaks again and I pretend he is there, warm and alive. "Jo was like me. She's more broken than you will ever be, Katniss. There is a person inside there. Jo is only different from you because she has nothing at all to live for and she still gets that it matters. She did the best she could for you. I don't think you know how much you mean to her." His voice is so calm and soothing but the words have an edge anyway. There is something sharply true in them.

"If she could steal you from me? She can take Haymitch in a heartbeat." I take a deep breath and I look over at him, waiting for him to deny what I have said.

"Don't take this wrong, but he loves you more than I ever could. She can't take him. Even if you hand him to her on a platter of gold, only you can save Haymitch. You know that. Inside he's far more destroyed than you imagine." Gale looks at me, dipping his head to emphasize his words.

"I can't save anyone. He doesn't need anyone to save him. That's his hobby, not mine. He saves things and then he toys with them. He lies like it's art and he hates like it's amusing. He's hard, Gale. There is something dead inside Haymitch. You are right about that part. As far as love, I know he does, but he made other arrangements in my absence so it isn't as deep as I fooled myself into thinking." I pull the grass obsessively, hurting something, just to destroy it.

"Katniss, wake up. Listen to yourself. Imagine if the execution had been successful. Imagine knowing. You think he is strong, but he needs you. Don't let him down."

I shake my head and fiddle with my braid. It is still damp. "Too bad you never liked him. But he won't ever really let me save him. He's too damned stubborn. We are both too deadly. I'm not a very good wife and he will get tired of playing indulgent husband. He deserves someone better. So do I, for that matter." I grin at my last words, knowing that is the truest thing I have ever said about us.

"Then how do you explain Peeta? How does the risen-one figure into those sacred vows of yours?"

I blush. "I have no idea. How did you?"

"I told you. I watch over you. Sometimes, it's very informative." He eyes me with a wink.

I throw a wad of grass through him. "I guess it means all privacy is out of the question."

"Your fault. When you think of me, it calls me to you." He seems rather pleased with that confessional tidbit.

I try to scowl at him but I lose it to his merry gray eyes and cover my face in embarrassment. A thought occurs to me. "Tell me? Did you know about me and Finnick?"

He grins at me and his eyebrows shoot up. "Jo told me. Did he tell you that I beat him up?"

Now shock covers my face. "You did not."

"He is a prideful dick, Katniss. Have no clue what you ever saw in him. He told me he had a specialized palate that had an appreciation for savoring fine cuisine. He said someone raised on rat meat could never relish the delicacy of a sautéed Mockingjay. I didn't get any further on the details. I just broke a few ribs. He gave me the worst black eye I ever had and I peed blood for a week. He hits like a mortar. When I was done, he lay on the floor, laughing and said I didn't know diamonds from dung and my mining days were over. I kicked him and he laughed again. As I was walking out the door he said it was still worth it. It pissed me off so bad, because I knew he was right. Then you got shot and it was he and Johanna who saved you. If I had listened, you would have never been on that tarmac trying to stop me or the bullets. I killed every bastard in that square. I was wrong to do it. But lots of things look different from here." Gale looks up and frowns.

"Thanks for saying that. I didn't know you ever cared about what I really thought." I had watched him so carefully as he talked, looking for something that was not right. My dream of him is perfectly clear because I can see scars on his arms and tell the story of them. "Gale? Take off your shirt. I want to see your back."

He unbuttons his shirt and sighs. "It is me Katniss. They are still there." He shows me the meaty pink lines I had traced so many times. I would have never remembered with this much clarity. "And the tear drop is still on my lips."

I can't breathe or swallow or stop my eyes from blurring. I stand and cover my mouth, turning away and shivering as I try to hold in the sobs. Nightmare. Subtle horror, but still just a nightmare.

He flashes before me and looks down. "You fell asleep after it splashed and settled on me. I felt so horrible and I brought you here, so you didn't have to sit through the whole thing."

I nod. It is all I am capable of at this moment beings my body wants to scream itself inside out.

He gives me a few minutes to calm down. "We are almost out of time. I can't let you stay here. Go home, Catnip."

Finally my breath bursts and I bend over and get control of myself, I can't waste this blubbering. "Gale. I don't think I can leave you."

He reaches out for me and I can feel a buzzing on my cheek. "Tell Jo that she has to stop being afraid. She is going to make a wonderful mother and all four of the kids turn out fine. Tell my brothers I am watching and tell Posy that I do hear her. Give my mom a kiss. Rory is going to marry Prim. Don't be too hard on them. Please don't come back here for a long time. This shit is getting old, Catnip."

I shudder as the buzz becomes a solid hand and I am just opening my eyes as I feel his lips touch mine and linger. It is not a lustful kiss. It is soft, warm and soul melting. He holds it then head tilting and tears in his eyes, he whispers, "Find hope. I love you and when you are ready, I will be holding your hand. Don't throw it away. It matters. My Catnip."

"I love you." It's all I can gurgle out.

"I know you do," he whispers with a wink. I blink and I am alone.

I shout for him. I am blubbering now. I spin searching for him and my eyes fall on the black marble stone I had chosen to be set in this place. I read it and touch the cool smooth stone. "My Gale." I whisper.

My eyes pop open and the boy smiles at me. I sit up and stare around dazed in the evening light. I smell food and the baby kicks.

"Jamie?" I say.

"Have a nice chat? Do you feel better?"

I nod. Thinking that even though it was just a dream it took a lot of heartache away and I felt lighter. I look around and think of his words. "Find hope."

Jamie says little while I eat the crispy, greasy groosling. "Oh, you had salt. It is pure heaven. I missed salt more than anything." That is the only conversation during my greedy meal. I realize Jamie isn't eating. I stop and look at him.

"You look just like Haymitch. But young and different."

"I am told I look like my father." He says, "Haymitch always resembled Mom."

I drop the food. "Jamie? Jameson Abernathy?"

"Very good, sweetheart." His face warps into a familiar smirk.

"Am I? I'm dead?" I ask, my heart sinking at what must be.

"Not yet. That is what I am trying to prevent. I told you. I want to be an Uncle."


	16. Chapter 16

**Author: Howlynn  
>Realm: <strong>_**The Hunger Games**_**, Suzanne Collins  
>Story Title: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon16<br>Summary: Katniss has to look at her life and convince herself and a ghost that she deserves another chance.  
>CharacterRelationships: Katniss and Jamie Abernathy**

**(Yes we are in extended chapter land - this was not part of the first publish, so even if you have read this story, you have not read the whole story. Please review - Just say Hi - let me know you want more? It is easy and free! Free is good - so is being kind and review - pretty please)**

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><p>I stare dumbfounded. I am not sleeping now. I see him, and I am eating food he made. Looking in the face of a boy my age, maybe younger, who says his name is Jamie Abernathy, makes me glare in motionless horror. I am looking in the face of boy who died before I was born. I am here with a boy who Haymitch mourns so deeply he can barely speak about him. If he's alive, he is almost as old as Haymitch, but he isn't. He's perfect in Abernathy youthful looks.<p>

What does that say about me? What does it say about where I am right now? "I don't understand. You are Haymitch's brother. You can't be here. You died before I was born."

"I am the last hope of a dying soul," he says quietly.

"So I am going to die? I never was here to choose. I am here to understand. I'm never going home. It's all in my mind, while my body is shutting down? Exposure. I have always heard it was a peaceful way to go. Your mind plays tricks on you and you just kind of float away. Shouldn't I feel, happy?" I purse my lips and nod, accepting it. I sit by the fire and throw handy twigs in to hide my nerves. I am a little afraid. I'm not in any pain though so I just let my breath out and try to figure out what this all means. It feels so strangely normal. "Ok. It's not so bad I guess. I thought I would feel different. I didn't expect to feel the same."

"You have regrets." He states rather than asks.

"It's about all I have. I did so much wrong. They won't ever find me. These woods will just swallow me up and they will always wonder. Peeta will search for me, even when he knows the truth in his heart. He will blame himself and I hate that I left him, this way. With no closure. Haymitch will just figure it out and hate me. I have always disappointed him. He will be fine though. He and Johanna will be fine."

"You have an infinite amount of confidence in my brother. Why?" he throws his own contributions into the fire, as if we are playing.

"Haymitch always wins. He doesn't care most of the time, but he wins. It amuses him to win. With everything he's lived through, I'm no more than a little bump. He may be mad at me, but he will be fine. He always is." I reach out to the side and collect more bits for conflagration.

"You are very certain that he is unbreakable?"

"His execution proved me right there. He laughed. He just walked up the stairs and smiled while they hung him. I was on his mind a little, but I wasn't in his heart. I wonder how many of us he called sweetheart. He lied to me and I knew. His last words." I shake my head and sigh. "He wasn't even sad for me."

"He was standing there because he was trying to protect you."

"Really? How did that figure as a way to protect me? What did getting himself lynched have to do with helping me? He showed it to me, wanting to see me fall apart. I did. Not the way he expected. It made me go into battle mode. He sent me away to fight and made me a Mockingjay. I didn't disappoint him then. He watched me become that monster. I am no surprise to my creator. Every single person I killed out there, I did to please him. Every wound I took, every drop of blood I shed, was just my pathetic attempt to earn his heart. Happiest moment of my life was when I got shot. Aching for him was over. I was going in perfect peace at that time. I had made him happy and for those few seconds, his voice was gentle with me again. Can you believe how stupid I was? Thinking he. "I smile at Jamie and shake my head. "Thinking I mattered to Haymitch. I didn't even know he wanted to be president. I didn't know he was playing, Jamie. I thought it was about us. But none of it was about me. I was still put on trial and he was put in charge. His big secret plans executed like poetry. He didn't have a noose around his neck to protect me. To show me that and leave? This was his way of sending me away again. He loves this baby. That is what will hurt him."

"So you admit you want to hurt him?"

I meet his eyes, directly and fierce. "No. No I don't. I'd save her for him if I could. Even if it meant I had to go anyway."

"No strings?"

"Not even a tangle. Here's your baby. Bam. Katniss drops dead. They live happily ever after. Johanna would protect her. That would let me go in peace. This way is bad. He always said I was stupid and now I am going to die from it and take the one really good thing I did with me. If I had just planned it a tiny bit. She would be ok."

"And You wouldn't lament not holding her? Not teaching her to hold a bow, or how to walk silently in the forest? You couldn't dry her tears or tell her you loved her?"

I actually laugh at him. "As opposed to not letting her live over my being a little jealous? I think the big picture is her, Jamie? Not me. I wasted her life. That is a bigger evil then mine. My life has been a big ball of shit. Hers wouldn't have been."

He smiles and sighs. His head tucks down and his eyes twinkle a little. I feel his approval of my words. "So you do have motherly instincts. You can feel. You do have it in you to put something above yourself."

"He always said I was a selfish bitch. I think he's right. I never seem to know what I want. I'm better at running away."

"Do you really want to die, Katniss?"

"In the past I have. Not this time. I just…I can't explain. It was just a day that was too much and I made a stupid choice. It isn't the path I meant. For me I don't care, but for her. I am not settled with that easily." I say bringing my hand to my stomach.

"Have you any idea what it meant to him to be a father?" Jamie asks, standing and gently squatting beside me, putting his hand on my stomach as he smiled. I am not afraid of him now and I allow the familiar way his hand rests patiently on my abdomen. I stand up and pull him up with me. I move his hand to my right side. He is rewarded with a tiny kick then a larger one. His face lights up and he waits for it to happen again.

I look up, riddled with guilt and say apologetically, "Enough he quit drinking."

He looks at me, face full of kindness. He brushes a stray strand of hair from my forehead. His hand rests on my shoulder and he squeezes my neck in a comforting way. "Yes. For twenty-five years, not a day has passed that he didn't have to drink to face the demons and the abyss of horror that he has endured. In that time he has loved many people and each time they are stolen from him. Or he watches them tortured. Or he watches them die."

I shake my head. "I know."

"Do you? How long has it been since he's had a word from you? How do you think he feels right now? The glimmer of hope stolen by your actions, then the war he fought within, to keep focused, and you leave?"

"He left first." I justify. I pull away, angered that he pointed out that I had made such bad decisions and angered that I was so selfish.

He nods, "Yes, he did." He waits for me to say more.

"He doesn't need me."

"If he disappeared for this long, what would it do to you?"

I sigh. He will worry. "Yeah, I get it. I was already going back. She moved and that was all it took. No matter what, I am going back." I add. I drop my eyes realizing that it isn't true. I don't get to go back. I took away my choice to return when I ran away.

"Do you love him?"

I smile. "Of course I love him. More than ever." I hold back the tears and look up to the sky blinking.

"What is his favorite color?"

I blush. "I don't think he has one."

"How did you know my name?"

My eyes drop. "My mother told me."

"Favorite food?"

"Obviously a beverage." I say raising my eyes.

He sighs and shakes his head. "Not what he needs. What he likes? What can you tell me about my brother?"

I am getting mad now and I narrow my eyes at him, "How about that he doesn't like people to pry into his personal business?"

His voice hardens into sarcasm. His eyes widen and I see disgust that I have so little knowledge about his brother. "No. After all, they would have to give a damned about him in the first place to be willing to listen to him drone on about old painful stories. A person who loves him would be someone who needs to know it, because they can't stand to not know every tidbit of this person they want to spend a life with." He takes a step back and crosses his arms looking at me as intense and hard as his brother.

"Or they would know he appreciates being left alone, to not have to have his heart ripped apart just for the entertainment of others."

"Or maybe, you only need him. You don't want the whole Haymitch package. You can't take the darkness of him. You only use him, because he puts up with it."

I catch my breath, "Or he wants me. He lusts for me, but doesn't need me at all. He doesn't need anyone." I pull away from him. I turn around and take my seat. I pick up small sticks and toss them in the fire after breaking them into tiny pieces. I don't want to talk anymore. I just want to go wherever it is I'm headed.

He sits across from me so I have to look at him. I drop my eyes instead. I watch all the things I toss into the fire, flicker and be consumed. I can sit here as long as he wants and not speak.

"When do you suppose that he knew he loved you?"

I shrug, "When I got shot.

"Wrong." He lifts a sizable piece of deadfall wood and piles it on top of the fire. It stirs sparks that twist and dance into the deepening sky above; Orange stars skittering toward the cold white ones peeking from the growing darkness. "What is his favorite thing about you?"

My face drops a seething sneer, "What do you think, idiot"

"Really? That's all the value you feel you have to him? What is your favorite thing about him?" he shakes his head and half of his face scrunches in disapproval.

"Shut up, ghost boy! I don't know, ok? We haven't exactly had years to shoot the crap. We were busy trying to stay alive."

He glares at me, "You could be right. It certainly isn't your brilliant mind. As for the other –defiantly a full time job to keep both of you breathing at the same time. Neither one of you seem very bright in that department."

"He couldn't help that they wanted to execute him. For what I did." I mumble the last part.

"No. But why did he end up in a coma for three days when he failed you? When you said what you did on the hovercraft and had your little breakdown? Why, with all he survived, and you had never even given him a kind look, did he give up?"

I look up at him, shocked. "He never would even admit anything happened. I suspected. How do you know?"

"Did Mr. Hawthorne not explain the rules of this place? When you think of us, you call us to you? He called me? I sent him hope, because you were not there to do it. Peeta couldn't. Johanna was gone and he blamed himself for the destruction of everything he had, including Finnick."

"What did he do?"

"He took a large dose of morphling. He collected it from your room. He thought it was poetic justice to give you a small hand in his death. He had let each of you down but he had destroyed you and Peeta. He wrote you a sappy letter. He sat alone in a conference room and injected it in his veins. Beetee and Hawthorne found him. They took him to your mother. Gale read the letter meant for you."

"And that was why Gale…thought what he did?"

"He thought you had fallen madly in love with Haymitch. He couldn't think straight. He thought Haymitch was using you and he regretted stopping him from killing himself. He had to leave District Thirteen to keep from finishing Haymitch himself. Because he knew if he did kill him, it would hurt you. By that time, he suspected and was right, that the only thing keeping you alive was the fact that Haymitch owned the Mockingjay's heart."

"That's why Haymitch tried to protect him? He owed Gale."

"Yes. The rumors were putting Gale in danger because Coin never trusted you. Once Gale was back in her pocket, he became one of her favored, while Haymitch slid into the role of target. Gale convinced her that he had won your loyalty, despite you being in love with Abernathy. She truly intended to deliver you to Gale while killing all competition for your affection. She knew about Finnick as well. In her mind, you and Gale, behind her, would let her win."

"But Haymitch was so mad at me. For killing myself. What a hypocrite."

"Familiarity breeds contempt."

I am disgusted that Haymitch would have done that, knowing I would blame myself. "How could he not see, even then, that without him…I was nothing. Love aside, he was my mentor."

"You have no idea how he worships you, Katniss."

"No. It was Peeta. He always liked him better. That is what he was avoiding. He couldn't see his boy tortured. So he was just jumping ship. I may have added to his desire to check out, but it was Peeta and Johanna that he mourned."

" But it was you, that took his last scrap of hope, Katniss. Can you not see his heart? He can live without you returning his affection in the form of romance, but he can't live if you hate him. That is a rather frightening amount of power to wield over someone. Especially when you are so clueless it exists. Now you are here, doing it to him again."

I look at him and shake my head. "I don't mean to. I said I was going back. What else do you want?"

"I want to know it is worth my time. I want someone who cares about him and isn't just there for the easy parts. Haymitch has to be first now. Not Prim, not the world and damned sure not yourself. Is he worth you staying? Tell me what you feel, girl who says she loves my brother?"

I close my eyes. I don't know what he wants. I think of Haymitch. Why have I returned to him so many times? "The first thing I noticed, past just he was family, was that he smelled good. He smelled like safety. Nothing bad, could happen if his arms were around me. Even when bad things did happen, in his arms I could survive. His voice, even when he's mad at me, sends chills through me. Then he protected Gale even though he had no reason to do it. And he's the only one who believes in me all the time no questions asked, even when he shouldn't. Even when he knows I am wrong, he believes in me. He's the greatest victor of all time you know. He's not proud of it, but there is a power in Haymitch that I can't explain. He's so brilliant. He always finds a way when something is important. He pretends not to care but he does care for everyone. I like his darkness even. I don't deserve him. But somehow he loved me a little…Please don't let me die. I want him to hold this baby." I open my eyes realizing I have said entirely too much.

"There you are, sweetheart." He stands and smiles. "I have to go soon. I will watch over you as you sleep. In the morning, you should move on. You are almost home. Find your peace along the way. Make me an Uncle and think of me so I can see her too?"

"Jamie?" I look up at him and I wish I could have let Haymitch see him. This would have meant so much more to him.

"Yes, Katniss?"

"Thank you. Do you want me to, you know, tell him anything?"

"Tell him, that none of us ever blamed him. Not for a minute and he needs to get over it and enjoy himself. Oh and he needs to accept that his pilot skills are overrated." He smirks.

I smile at him and it broadens into a grin as I remember Haymitch flying us all to district twelve. "Jamie, I wish you could have been around. I am going to miss you."

He lifts the blanket and waits for me to crawl back into the bed. "Sweet dreams, Katniss." He tucks me in and he leans down and kisses my forehead. "Thank you, for loving my brother as much as I do." I reach up and touch his face. He closes his hand over mine then tucks me in.

I didn't close my eyes on purpose. "Jamie, did Haymitch send you? I wasn't thinking of you."

"Doesn't he always send you what you need?"

I am so drowsy, but I smile. "He does…"

I dreamed of good things. My daughter is smiling at her father.

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><p><em><strong>Ok thanks for reading - shameless review plug - Please click the little blue button and tell me you want more?<strong>_


	17. Chapter 17

**Author: Howlynn  
>Realm: <strong>_**The Hunger Games**_**, Suzanne Collins  
>Story Title: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon17<br>Summary: Katniss searches for home. She thought she understood, but truth hides in plain sight.  
>CharacterRelationships: Katniss and gale/haymitch/peeta/finn , lots of other off camera pairings**

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><p>I awoke to a small rabbit slowly roasting over a lethargic fire. I call for Jamie, but he is gone. Looking around the clearing, I know that when I leave, I will never see this place again. I have to carry it with me. I stand and go back to the hot spring. I take the waters of hope and accept the warmth they leave behind. Stretching in the sun, naked and clean, I think of Gale and smile as I peek around, knowing he is smiling at the show. I return to the fire and let the Mockingjay suite dry by the fire. I fold the quilt Jamie left me. There is a ball of twine to tie it up with and I'm thankful that I won't be cold at night.<p>

Closing my eyes for a moment, I take a deep breath and feel the calm spirit this place has polished into me. I am not the broken Mockingjay. I'm the Mockingjay who sings in darkness so the world has hope of the dawn.

It is another four days before I walked into Victor's Village. My house is cold and dusty. I go upstairs and pulled off my filthy cloths and shower. I walk into the new Hob and sit at Greasy Sae's new indoor restaurant. She never bats an eye before she puts a bowl down before me.

"Took you long enough," she mumbles.

I eat three bowls. People look at me and I smile. The rich stew makes me sick. I cut out before she could see me lose it. I didn't want her thinking I was commenting on her food. I left town and picked through the discarded rubble on the way as I searched for the log that my two bows were kept in. Mine is still there. It has not fared as well as I hoped. The small one is still perfect but my old friend would need some repairs. The arrows were warped and useless and something had eaten most of the fletching. I looked down at my prizes and then I went deeper into the woods and found Gales small stone that marked where his bows would be. There were hundreds of small caves here that are three to ten inches wide.

Gale always hid his things in these tiny caves. Nobody would be stupid enough to stick a hand in one, except for him. First, he was about as likely to pick up a rattle snake or copperhead as his bow, but also, Gale set traps and anyone dumb enough to try to take one of his five bows, may just lose a hand to something. I studied the section of holes and picked up a large stick.

I probed several caves with the stick and it got the end chopped off twice and stuck in a bear trap the third time. Now I knew which hole was his hidey-spot. His favorite bow, the one Beetee built for him, is buried with him, but the others, that his Daddy and mine made, would be wrapped up safe and sound here. It is cold enough that I don't worried about the snakes, and having found the three hand-overs as he called them, I am safe. I probed the bow-hole with a branch anyway for vicious teeth whose owners may have nested in his long absence.

They were still there, just as he'd left them. I pulled the long bundle of leather out and cradled it in my arms. I set it aside and retrieved two other smaller bundles and with my burden I walked the short distance to our place. Rather than going to our overlook rock, I walk up to the black stone that bore his name and sat on the ground, leaning against it and feeling the heat radiate from it.

I slowly unwrap the contents of the large bundle with reverence. He had touched these things last and they were sacred to me. I looked around the clearing, smiling in tears, hoping my dream was true and that he could really see me. The breeze picks up and I scan the ridge above me. A shadow moves there, taking familiar shape for an instant.

"I am taking these to Rory, Vick and Posy. I will watch over them. I'm going home, Gale. I am going to do what you asked. I promise. You did the right thing. You did your best. I will watch over Jo too. No matter what. For you." I shout this into the woods.

I don't feel any mystical presence or hear his voice on the wind. But I still know he's there.

I went back to the Victors Village. I wandered into Haymitch's house and propped the bows by the door. I looked around and felt the man I loved. He is a pig. He is a selfish turd. He is perfectly hopeless.

I opened his closet. The floor is a good hanger. I picked up his cloths and looked at them. They were crumpled, stained and horrid, yet the man who wore these nightmares, loved me. He was a drunk the last time we were here and I had never once thought I loved him. I had never seen him, because he hid himself behind layers of camouflage as complex as Peeta's cakes.

I wondered around his house. I snooped. I had never asked him about his family. Honestly, I knew next to nothing. I found photographs of him as a child and I smiled wondering if ours would look like him. His mother was pretty. He'd spoken of his brother being killed and I had never considered what it had done to him. It was much more brilliant now. I set the picture of Jamie in my lap and stared at it for a long time. He was much better looking in person.

I tried to imagine Prim dead and as I looked in that boys face, so close to Haymitch yet another being filled with light and hope and a whole mind full of dreams. I swear I missed him. I missed that my brother-in-law would never know the words 'Uncle Jamie' and he wasn't here to plead for his brother's second chance as a grown man. I looked in his eyes and I missed him like he was mine. I lay his picture aside and looked at his mother again. Would she have been Granny or maybe an Oma? I fumbled around in his things and finally I ran across the picture I knew I wanted to see.

Her name had been Shayhan. I expected her to be pretty like Madge. Instead she was tough looking like me. She wasn't as plain as I am or as broken looking. She looked bright and a little haughty. He looked like a stupid jerk seam boy. I wondered if he smelled the same back then and if she had buried her face in his chest and felt safe. I liked her, because neither one of us had ever been safe.

I crawl in his dirty unmade bed and it doesn't smell like him. It just smells. I lay in his bed and stare up at the ceiling wondering what he'd thought about from this angle for twenty-five years. I stand up and dig more. There is a leather book in his drawer. Hell yes, I read it.

_I have killed two more, darling. I am home. Tell Jamie I found his key to the old place. They are making me go back. I can't survive this again. I drink too much. I can't feel you all anymore. I wish this body would fail. Did you know there are an endless supply of people for them to kill that will hurt me if I don't? 92_

_I am trapped and I don't know how to survive. 45_

_There is a man there. His skin is so dark, but he tries to help me a little. He lost his arm in the games but he still lives the fate of a victor. I will tell my tributes from now on. There are others who are the same as me. But, Snow hates me. He said if I think of killing myself, and I do every damned day, that he will burn them. All of them. Any classmate, friend, or distant relative. 64_

_I am going crazy. 43_

_They hurt. Help me Jamie.26_

_Jamie, I can't go on. I'm sorry kid.119 I can't stand the parties and the hospital._

_I hide in this house and they watch me all day. At night the others watch me. In the capitol I live the nightmares and, Jamie, I know I deserve it. I drink every day, just like Dad. I'm sorry. I am starting to be thankful they took you all. None of you have to see me like this. 70_

_Please. Someone help me. 107_

_Jamie, It's better now. I am no longer able to care. I have buried 8 kids since my games. Let them bury me soon. 23, 14, 35, 9, 6, 20, 13, 19 eight weeks in the capitol. It's hell._

_26. 55_

_34. 70. 12. 16. 92._

_23. 24. 23. 22. 31. 44. 18. 7. 3. 70_

_26. 36. 54. 12. 39. 14. 12. 7. 9. 8. 12. 19. 13. 52. 7. 1. 24. 67. 23. 1. 33. _

_I have learned to stand it all these last six years. I hate them all and they hate me._

_Let them kill me this time. 89_

_12. 17. 42. 3. 3. 6. 15. 22. 4. 9. 3. 60. 45. 32. 24. 3. 3. 1._

_No luck. Survived. 84._

_Still kicking. They killed my mentor finally. Old Carver Shanks is out of the hunger games. 61_

_Jamie, I will never let one win. I don't hate them enough to fail them with hope. Damned wretched unbearable hopeless kids. I think they are younger now. I dream of you all every night. It is worse than the capitol. Nothing to write last few times, and I have lost count. Hundreds. Endless. I'm in hell and there is nothing for me to do._

_Where are you? I don't remember you anymore. Tell Haymitch hello, he's dead inside. Jamie, please._

_Jamie, I came so close and they fixed it all._

_Kill me kill me kill me kill me -(-_there were twelve pages of this written neatly and precisely.)

I flipped to the back because I couldn't read any more of that. It got less coherent and I just couldn't look anymore. There were random entries about Finnick, Annie and many names I didn't know. Every year there was a new name that he spoke of mentoring. One caught my eye.

_Johanna will survive. I have another lamb. There is sweetness in her. I will teach her to hide that._

He'd done a good job. I looked at his last entry page.

_I did what I swore I wouldn't, Jamie. I brought them home. But I brought them both home. I may be alive a little after all. I love her. I know how stupid it is, she will never see me. She sees only him. The one I made to hide me in. I can't remember how to be the one hiding. He's long gone. Her eyes are gray and they fill with hate every time she looks at me. But, she looks at least. I don't care if it is stupid and foolish. I am alive. I am too old. Too ugly. Too evil. Too worthless. Too broken. Too hopeless. Too late. I love Katniss. I don't care that she will never love me. Jamie, help me keep her safe._

_Jamie, I can't let them do this to them. How to I teach her what is to happen next? Who will mentor her into this evil. I can't even look Peeta in the eye. I can't do it and yet I can't get the thought of her out of my mind. I love Peeta and it will be hard, but I am not in love with him. But who's hands could I place her in and really trust them to give her the kindness I can. I wish I was dead. It will have to be me and she will hate me. If I don't, she won't last a week. I will kill every bastard who touches her. Until they execute me for it. I will kill them all._

_The tour. I nearly kissed her. I think she doesn't hate me so much. I am pathetic. Finnick brought up my duty to them. He offered to help. Bless him, curse him. I have to speak to them soon. It will be her choice. Peeta won't survive long. He doesn't have enough darkness in his soul. Jamie, I can't drink enough. There isn't enough. I am using Morphling now too. I pray for a dirty batch. _

_She will marry the boy. She would a'soon marry me. She is tormented, but she at least talks to me. It is enough. Every day I keep them safe and alive. It is enough. Jamie, I wish you could meet her. She would have liked you. Of course then I would have to kill you. She treats me like I am her daddy replacement. She bosses me around. I indulge her. We argue and it is pure heaven. _

_They read the Quell card. Jamie, she is going to die. I have to go with her. Please let them call his name so I can volunteer. The idiot boy wants to die with her. He can't save her. Jamie, protect her. I can't let it happen. I love you all. I am sorry. At least I know I will see you soon. _

_I am doing it this time. Now or never. No matter what, that girl will be free before they do this to her. I will love that child forever. She will never know it, of course. Ah Jamie, I was always a fool. But there have been moments lately that I actually felt a little happy. How did she do it?_

_Jamie, protect her. Watch over her for me. I know I am damned, so you will have to, once I am gone. I love you kid. Hug my girl and tell her, Katniss didn't take her place. I have just been so damned alone for so long, I let her slip in my heart. Tell her the girl is just a hopeless hope of a dead man. It doesn't matter. I will be there in a few days._

I look at his last entry. My god, he loved me then. I didn't even know that I was crying. But it was ok, because I cried for this poor Haymitch. How can I be so shocked that even that Haymitch felt love for me? It wasn't said to impress me. He never expected me to see this. I was his hearts little secret, to shameful to even admit. I think I know him, and I don't. I have been too hard on him. I never guessed how deep he has hidden. I don't understand the numbers listed for sure, but I fear that I do know what they mean. For him to have just kept breathing all these years is more than I can adjust to. If I have the power Jamie says, to destroy him, maybe I also have the power to make all of the things he survived worth it in the end.

"Jamie?" I whisper softly, "I vow to you, not him, to you, that I will make the rest of it worth living past every horror he has seen. I will never let him ache like this again. I won't ever leave him." I wait a few seconds and when nothing happens, I wipe my eyes and close the book.

I tuck the book away. I go down stairs and I place a phone call. They won't let me through. I keep trying. Finally a familiar voice asks formally. "Security, Mellark, may I be of assistance?"

"I would have thought someone up there in the big fancy capitol would have recognized his number? Didn't expect it to take so long to get through." I complain.

"Oh God. Before I yell at you, are you OK?"

"No Peeta. I am knocked up, homeless, so screwed up I don't know what I am doing. Now before I yell, has Johanna moved in? Have I been replaced?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Is he with her? Is Haymitch in love with Johanna? He left me for her. So I want to know what I am walking into before I decide what to do. Peeta, don't play games. Just tell me."

"Katniss. Where the hell have you been?"

"Gone," I say.

His voice changes, hardens and gets deeper."Gone? Ok, you want to play that way, Katniss. I looked everyplace. He says you needed some time. It ran out sixteen days ago. If you want to say good-bye to him you better get here yesterday. Turn on the freaking television for shits sake and quit trying to be the cruelest bitch on the planet."

"Peeta?" my voice is in panic mode. Peeta had never talked like this except in his Mutt delirium.

"I am sending a hovercraft. What the hell are you doing in 12?"

"It wasn't easy to get here. I walked."

"Yeah well, take the Hover this time. He won't have time for you to stroll back. Dammit Katniss I never thought you were… Oh hell who am I fooling…you always were a piece of work. Get your dumb ass on the hover craft. I don't have time to explain, turn on the TV!" the line goes dead.

I stand there looking down at the phone and then I do turn on the television.

The sound comes on before the picture follows. " …vigil as the President battles for life. It has been sixteen days since he was injured in an explosion that killed four other members of his cabinet. It has been alluded to, that his wife is on private sabbatical and could not be reached. Now we don't know if that could be illness or if she really has gone somewhere for her own protection, but she has not been seen once since her release more than five weeks ago."

"Thank you Chancy, now the President's condition has gone from extremely serious to critical in a matter of hours. I would say that just because the first lady is keeping a low profile these days, that it is due to her condition. I mean this is his first child and if they have knowledge of multiple plots against his life, the press not knowing her whereabouts is probably a security decision by her friend and fellow victor, Mellark. He is new on the job and his boss already got a bang. I am sure his restrictions of her movement have been amped up to lock down. He knows how many factions were against her during her sensational trial. We don't know for certain what has made the President take a turn for the worst but we are keeping him in our thoughts and keeping you updated hourly."

"Now our political analyst, Plutarch Heavensbee, with a commentary on what is really being said in the capitol."

It took four excruciating hours for the hover to arrive, but the trip back to the capitol only took two. They said it was a jet stream, but I didn't see any water so it I just nodded. I sipped orange juice and they let me sleep for about half an hour. Worry plagues me, but at the same time, this is the first time I have been truly warm, clean, fed, dry and inside in more than a month. There are clothes on board for me. I guess I have to look nice in case he opens his eyes. I hate myself right now. I just want him to feel this girl move. I want him to know I blame myself for him wanting Jojo instead. I was always off fighting something and he was left watching me come back in pieces. Jojo would stick to him like glue and protect him from crap like this. She never missed a thing.

Rushing to his room I am actually sniffed by some of Peeta's mutt guard. Peeta nods and glares at me. His eyes hold no sympathy for me. I wait, making no sudden moves. I keep my eyes on him, steady and begging for just a tiny smile or a hint he can see past this. I guess he's still smarting from the fact he couldn't catch me.

Peeta nods me through the metal gate barrier. He won't let me in with my bundles. I hand them over and he pilfers through them. "Please be careful with those." I say quietly and politely.

"Sure. You brought weapons. I don't think you will need them. You can manage just fine without them. The knife too." I pull it out of its place in the small of my back and slam it on the counter. I hold my arms out for them to pat me down. I blush as they do.

"She's clean." The guard says to Peeta. He sighs and motions me to follow him.

I walk beside him. "I understand you are mad at me."

He stops and looks at me as if I lost my mind. "Katniss. You jump out a window and vanish. I have been terrified. You have no idea how much danger you were in. Ever bother to think what it might do to me? Hell I have spent sixteen days begging him to give me a chance. I swore I would find you. For all I know you planted the bomb. Every day I have watched him give up a little more. You are all he has. All I have, and we both combined, are not enough for you. I can't even explain what I feel right this second."

"I'm sorry."

"Good for you Katniss. He's going to die thinking you didn't ever care for him. Thinking he let you down. But you're sorry. Good for you."

"Don't say that." My eyes fill with tears but there is anger under them.

"Truth hurt? He's awake. Try to keep your mouth under control and please try not to kill him." Peeta hisses at me and opens the door to his room and waits for me to walk through, refusing any more eye contact.

I sigh, and swallow, then let it all go and walk in the door.

I am shocked to see his eyes open and when he sees me he smiles.

"I knew you would come." His hand moves a little. He's too weak to hold it out to me.

I take his hand and kiss it."I shouldn't have left." I say, fear releasing the words that normally take days for me to churn out.

"Did you get it out of your system? Or will you do it again?"

"I think it's out. I will do anything to make you happy. I will deal with Jojo as best I can. If that's who you want."

"I want you."

I drop my eyes then look back at him, "I'm here. I will never leave you again. Even if you want me too." I smile at him.

He breaths hard and smiles, just a flash of mirth, then his eyes roam over me, appraising and concerned. "You are bigger, but you are thin and sunburned."

I step up to his bed putting my stomach close to him, and I lift his hand to my stomach. His eyes look up at me, curious and tired. Then he feels it and the light burns there. "I was on my way home, before I knew."

"I see. Peeta said he found you there." His attention is on my stomach.

"No. I was on my way home, Haymitch. That's where you are. I was on my way."

He smirks, "So you aren't here just for the reading of the will?"

"Don't you fucking die on me."

"Oh, so you give the orders now do you? What will you do if I follow them like you do?" He smiles. " He's a kicker," Haymitch says as he moves his hand again.

I lean over the bed. I bend my head close to him. "Did you move Jojo in?" I hold my head inches from his and smile as if I am about to kiss him.

"No. But I have been with her. Even after you left." he says waiting for the shock to settle on my face.

I kiss him, softly gently as if he's the most precious thing that exists. Then I smile with pure evil,"If you have fallen in love with her, you're going to have to get over her. Because you belong to me and I belong to you and I am going to fight like the monster I am, to keep that heart of yours filled up with me. I don't own you Haymitch, anything you want. I will never deny you. I let her have Hawthorne. But she can't have you. You need me more."

His eyes are drowsy and he fights to stay awake. "I know but you will never forgive me. Not really."

The last hope of a dying soul. I though Jamie had meant me. "Haymitch. Jamie was listening. He did what you asked. He's watching over you right this minute. Stay with me. "

"My, sweetheart." He whispers and his eyes close.

I watch him breathe. He's just asleep, but tears splatter on his face and I kiss his forehead. I didn't realize Peeta stood in the room until he spoke.

"When I told him you were on your way, his vitals picked up a little. I didn't think you would get here in time. He's in and out like that." His voice isn't as angered, but he's not friendly either.

I look up and see him hovering just inside the door. "Peeta, I have so much to tell you." I try to smile and reassure him.

His face is cold, but he nods and drops his eyes. "That's fine Katniss. You will have plenty of time. I am afraid I have to place you under arrest."

His words slither into me like frost. I stand up and face him. "If you plan to drag me out of this room. You better tell them to shoot to kill, sweetheart." I say crossing my arms and glaring at him.

He sighs and shakes his head.

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><p>Please Review!<p> 


	18. Chapter 18

**Author: Howlynn  
>Realm: <strong>_**The Hunger Games**_**, Suzanne Collins  
>Story Title: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon18<br>Summary: Haymitch battles while Katniss fights.  
>CharacterRelationships: Katniss and gale/haymitch/peeta/finn , lots of other camera pairings**

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><p>"Actually, you are being taken into custody, precisely to prevent you from leaving. You must be tired; I have a room set up for you across the hallway." He gestures open handed toward the hall.<p>

"No. I am sleeping in here. I won't leave his room, and Peeta, don't test your guards' ability on me. They fail. I stay here." I meet his eyes, not bluffing.

"You can't do that, Katniss." He shakes his head and is looking up at the cameras. I suspect he is sending some signal.

"Peeta, I am telling you that I am not unarmed. If you call them in here, you will have to use force. Peeta. Please. Are you really that mad at me that you want to see it? You know I can't control it anymore? I am so sorry I lost it with you the night I left. Don't do this over me wanting to curl up in a corner so I can hear him breathe."

"Katniss, I don't know what to think. You had to have some network to have escaped the search I set up. That speaks of many dark things I would rather not believe about you." He leans on the wall, his blue eyes like oatmeal in this light.

"I was alone. I did have a little help getting home. I got pretty sick and…someone fed me and helped me get back to civilization." I look at him, not willing to share my precious memory with mad mean Peeta.

His face looks me up and down, unable to hide the worry. "But you're ok now? Katniss, is the baby ok?"

"I think so. I only got to Twelve a few hours before I called you. I walked all the way through the wilds, Peeta. I almost screwed up this time. Not a friendly place this time of year for a preggo without any way to feed herself other than making a spear out of a knife and sneaking up on things, stabbing them. The wilds just about swallowed me this time. Not much of a reception once I got back either."

"The room is just across the hall. I am not trying to …"

"Where are you sleeping?" I let my eyes flash across the hall, but I can't see anything.

"Across the hall, with you of course."

"The hell you are. Not if you arrest me. The floor is fine. I want to be here every time he wakes up. If I am not here, he will be afraid I never was. Prisoners can't fraternize with the guards." I say, stubborn and really hurt that Peeta has treated me like a stranger but thinks I will share quarters with him.

"Katniss?" He looks at me and his face makes that pouty little boy combination of indignation and disbelief.

"Don't you Katniss me, Peeta Mellark. I have been to hell and you acting like this just makes me want to scream. You knew I had no idea what had taken place, and did you break it to me gently or stay on the phone and reassure me? No. You yelled at me and now want to arrest me and while I am here you want to lock me up and you think any of that makes me want to share a bed with you? I don't want to share air with you right now."

"And you get out of prison. Every day they talked about how you would die. Haymitch was hung. They took him and…I found a way to save him and the very day you get back and I can just hold you for a minute and breathe because you are finally safe, you jump out a window and vanish. I don't know if someone has hurt you and I hope every day…every day that you will call or come home. I searched the morgue personally, terrified you would be there. I waited for ransom notes, and calls from kidnappers and I …Katniss, don't make me use force."

"Do what you have to. Only way I leave this room," I look down and shake my head, "is feet first." I sigh and close my eyes for just a second then meet his gaze with both sorrow and absolute intent to back up my words.

I reach behind me and withdraw a pair of steal-knuckles and slide them on. I lift my leg and pull Gales hunting knife out of my boot. I smile an apology to him. His eyes widen in anger.

"We have guns, Katniss!"

I sigh and watch his face as I lift my other leg and remove several small bits of metal, quickly assembling them into a pistol, then reach down my bra and remove the small clip. "Yeah, me too. " I say just above a whisper. "Please, Peeta."

"Dammit, Katniss. You think you can shoot me? You had a couple of chances before and a lot better reasons. " His eyes are twinkling now, like I have made a joke." Where did you get that thing anyway?"

I look back at the bed. "His house."

"Katniss, please understand. You said your hello, now we need to check out that you have not been altered or Coded in any way. You need to see a doctor. Don't make me sedate you. We need to straighten this out."

"Peeta? I went for a long walk. It was nearly fatal. I got to twelve and called you. I came here. The end. I am not leaving this room until he is more stable. No negotiation. This is totally stupid. Why would I come back? To hurt him? You said yourself that if I just stayed away, it was killing him. You can't sedate me. It will hurt the baby." I plead with my eyes.

He looks down at the floor. I see tears. "Put that crap away. If you promise. If you swear to me you will stay here." His eyes meet mine and I finally see how much he's hurting. "You won't run off. I will let you be. I missed you too Katniss. As much as he did, you know."

I lay my things down on the window sill shelf of the hospital, carefully, one by one. I take a step toward him and I hold my arms out. "I missed you too Peeta. If I would fight you and all your mutts for the right to stay, what makes you think I'd leave?"

He steps forward and slips his arms around me, "About a month and a half of terror that I'd never see you again. My God Katniss, you could pop at any moment." He looks at my stomach in amazement.

"No, I still have a month and some to go." I pull him into me tight and finally, I feel the tension beginning to let up some.

"Katniss? Where are you?" I turn toward Haymitch, his eyes are closed.

"He's having another nightmare." Peeta says letting me go.

"Haymitch? I am right here. Haymitch, we are safe right here with you. The baby is kicking and you are safe," I sooth. He turns to my touch. I put his hand on my stomach. "There you go. Daddy's got you baby. Haymitch, I am right here with you."

"Jamie? " he mutters.

"No. It's Katniss. Jamie helped me get home."

"Who 's Jamie? He's been talking to someone by that name for days, but he won't tell me?" Peeta says from the other side of the bed, looking down at Haymitch and letting his face shine with love and all the fear he's held.

"Jamie is his brother. The one who died, two weeks after his victory." I peek up to see Peeta's reaction.

His eyes widen and he blinks tears away as what I have said blooms horror and disbelief on his face. "You said he helped you? How? Katniss, what do you mean he helped you?"

"I don't know how to explain but –"

"Of course. I'm going with you!" Haymitch bellows clearly in his sleep. "Momma? You're as beautiful as I remember. " He smiles and his arms twitch and he begins to flail around the bed. His monitors begin screaming and beeping.

Panic hit me. "No! Haymitch, don't you go with them. You have to—"

I am silenced by his next words. "My girl? My Shay? Oh sweetheart…so… sorry…"

"He's arresting. You will have to move, Mrs. Abernathy." I am ordered by strangers I hadn't noticed rushing into the room. The woman doesn't wait for me to understand she shoves me away and drops the bed flat, yanking the pillow out from under Haymitch's head and shouting orders I don't understand. Peeta pulls me away and I cling to him in a daze, watching more activity and unable to understand what they are doing, but very aware of what is occurring.

I search the room for those he'd called to but, I see nothing that confirms what my mind is telling me. "Jamie? Don't let him go with you," I whisper in the room full of flurry. The next thing I understand is that they are taking him away and I struggle against Peeta.

His arms wrap around me tighter and I franticly try to escape him. "Calm down, Katniss. You have to let them help him," Peeta says firmly in my ear.

I keep struggling but I have little strength and my will is just too weak to escape his strong arms. "Peeta, you don't understand."

"Yes, I do Katniss. He's leaving us. It's ok. It's ok." He pulls me to him and I press my forehead to his chest and give in to fear and sorrow, not caring who sees. I don't make a scene, because my breath is exploding from my chest in silent shaking sobs. It hurts too much for sound to escape.

"Jamie? Please? Don't take him?" I finally mange to the emptying room and the backs of rushing white coats that pay me no attention.

I am unable to figure out what to do next. I just stare at the empty doorway and I know I need to sit down. I am not dizzy, but my heart hurts so badly that I can't stay upright. "I need to sit, now." He helps me to the chair and I curl forward holding my stomach.

"Katniss? Is it the baby?" Peeta asks, panicking a little now.

"No. No. I'm fine. I just need a minute." I groan and close my eyes to it all as I try to make myself breathe. "Peeta, find out what is happening." I rock myself in soothing shame that I can't deal with this as the Mockingjay, in strong action and driven by will to take charge. I rock, like a toddler with a hurt finger, holding my stubbed heart in pain and trying to keep my soul from demanding flight as I focus on everything I know about stopping death. They will save him. They must. I know this alone as I rock my bending sorrow, searching for hope that I was not to blame.

Peeta stands and leaves to do the thing I have asked. I dread his return and as the minutes pass, I still and feel every waft of breeze and grief that floats in this building. People die here. People can't always be put back together.

I wait to hear my fate, trumpet or cannon. I didn't notice her. I didn't feel her eyes on me, hard and full of ache. Johanna touches my back and I look up in her face.

"You still in there, brainless?" her voice is from deep within. This sound is leaking from the hidden one. The words may be Jojo, but the tone is hesitant and afraid, dunked in that secret sweetness, she usually has covered in atrociousness.

I reach up and take her hand. "Better, now that you're here," I whisper, meaning it.

"I tried to keep him in one piece. That's all. I'm not…" she looks away, trying to keep her mask on and failing.

"You did good. I was afraid. That's all." I explain.

"Of what?" she squats next to me. Her brown eyes are soft and shiny.

"That you would replace me. Be better for him."

"Oh honey, you're the dumbest box of rocks in the quarry." Her arms go around me. "I'd kick your ass if you weren't big as a house."

I have to smile a little. I know she would not say this if she didn't have faith he would be fine. "I can't lose him."

"Don't worry. He's been to hell before and they keep sending us both back. Let me get you coffee?"

I nod. "Jojo? I have stuff to tell you later."

"I know. It wasn't what you think. "

"Not about that. That. Well, in a roundabout way, but it's bigger." I say and let her go.

Her eyebrows crease and she just nods. Peeta comes back as she stands up. "He's in surgery. They found internal bleeding. Jo, may I speak to you in private?"

"Sure. I was just going for coffee. You can help."

I lean my head against the wall and exhale slowly, wondering what he has to say about me he won't say to me. I watch the clock hand jitter around the face. There is coffee in my hand. I sip it and find it has gone cold. I wonder if I Jamie had told me that Haymitch was dying, if I would have fought at all? I wonder if I would have given up and been on his welcoming committee right now. I feel someone lift the cold cup of coffee from my hand and I don't struggle to stop them. I am in the twilight and my mind searches the hospital for something, but I can't seem to find the right door.

There is more commotion and I hear a wheel protesting with a high pitched screech. Peeta shakes me gently. "He's fine Katniss. They found the bleeder. He's going to be fine."

My eyes open wide and I smile. Johanna laughs and flicks me on the ear. "Told you. They sent him back."

I sit up, stiff from my nap in this hard chair. A team of nurses settle him into the room and I take a shaky deep breath. I smell food and it screams into my nostrils with instant hunger. I rub my elbow and notice the man with the clipboard gazing down at me with a friendly grin.

"Are you the doctor?" I ask, swimming in sleepy confusion.

"Yes, I am your doctor. I will be delivering your baby in a few weeks. I thought while your husband is recovering, we could have a little chat and complete a pre-natal exam?"

I look up at him shocked. I see a determined look on Peeta's face and I sigh resigned that I won't win this one, against him and Jojo.

"I'll stay. He will be fine." Jo says.

I stand up, disgusted. "You're not to sleep with him while I'm gone. Try playing cards or something."

The doctor's face blanches and I smirk at Jojo. She bursts out laughing. "I'm no good at cards."

The exam takes a while longer than I expected, but the reward is I return to the room with a perfect little picture of my baby. She's beautiful and I hold the picture tight as I let the guards pat me down again. They did a much more thorough job this time and I smile innocently at the grim faces they make at me.

There is laughter coming from Haymitch's room. I run the last few steps. Haymitch is sitting up and Johanna is clumsily lifting a glob of green gelatin to his lips. There is evidence of her artless attempt to feed him. He is wearing more than is landing in his mouth. I laugh as she grouches, "What is this wiggly crap?"

He looks toward me and grins. "Hello, sweetheart. Nice to hear you have been behaving?"

I grin. "Who is lying to you now, Haymitch? I almost got arrested."

Peeta blushes bright red. I walk into the room and take the jells from Johanna. I widen my eyes and point her away. "My turn." She snickers and complies. I sit in her place on his bed and take a deep breath, seeing that he has color returning and he looks much stronger than when I had arrived.

I carefully lift a spoon of green to his lips and he watches me silently as he accepts the offering. "So, how's life, Haymitch?"

His eyes lock on mine and narrow in amusement, "It's pretty good, actually." His hand closes over mine, saying much more than all the sweet words in the world could in that gentle squeeze.

"Jamie sent you back?"

His eyes drop, there is the tiniest quiver of his chin. He nods, two slow deliberate motions. I see him swallow and mash his lips tightly together.

I touch his face and he looks toward the window, tears stinging his eyes as if he almost regrets being here, just a little. I smile, and I understand. "Would you like to see why?" I hold out the picture of our baby to him. "She's a girl. Get over it. Her little eyes were open and she looked right at us."

His face looks at the face of his child and it all hits him in one swoop of understanding. "I think I'm in love." He whispers.

"Me too."

"She's as beautiful as her mother." Haymitch shudders and tries not to cry.

"And she will be as smart as her father." I lean forward and kiss him.

"And she's going to be safe and happy. She's never going to be a victor, or a victim." Johanna adds in a sure, firm way that seems to command the minions of fate to make it so. She puts her hand on my shoulder as if feeding me strength.

"She's going to be the first little princess of Freepanem." Peeta puts his hand on Haymitch's shoulder, pledging his loyalty and life to the service and protection of this new tiny being, unspoiled with sorrow. I feel like magic is with us and I wonder how many stand with us in this room, watching and sending us love. It feels like thousands.

Johanna breaks the moment with a revelation. "I am throwing you a baby shower! "

Haymitch stares in pure wonder, memorizing the features of this little girl we will soon have in the world and says enthusiastically. "That sounds like a fine idea, Jojo."

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><p>Hope you like it – only two more chapters then I will put the epilogue back up. And this story is done –<strong>Book two<strong>, _**The Mockingjay and the Albatross**_ is up and I will be adding more to that one soon. Please, I hate to beg for reviews, but I am getting close to the 100 mark and I just want one story to bump over that milestone. Please take just a second and leave even a shorty comment for me? Love it, hate it, one comment for every 1000 hits is getting a little discouraging. Please – and thank you to my faithful reviewers and all you new ones, who have been making my day!


	19. Chapter 19

**Author: Howlynn  
>Realm: <em>The Hunger Games<em>, Suzanne Collins  
>Story Title: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon19<br>Summary: It is really rude to eavesdrop, Katniss should stop doing that.  
>CharacterRelationships: Katniss/ Haymitch/Peeta/ , lots of other off camera pairings and juice.**

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><p>Haymitch made remarkable progress from that point. The first two nights I slept in his room on a mattress Peeta had drug into the room. I was so tired, that I couldn't really drift off, but I lay still and rested. My awareness wouldn't turn off and though images flickered in my mind, they were not dreams.<p>

The nurses came and went four times an hour. This was my second night of trying to sleep in the equivalent of Capitol City Circle. I hear Haymitch shuffling around with things on his rolling table and trying to quietly keep himself entertained. He watched the television silently, adjusted his pillow and shifted now and again, but I didn't move. My head hurt and the light flickering along with the constant footsteps bothered me. I finally crushed the second pillow over my head and it muffled the sound enough for me to doze.

I knew the offbeat footsteps when they entered the room far past the witching, when Haymitch had always been his most alert. "She's fine Peeta. I think she finally drifted off," Haymitch says meaning it as an invitation to sit and chat. I hear the bed softly acknowledge that Peeta has chosen a place at the foot of the hospital bed to perch. I wonder if this has become a nightly ritual, beings there seems to be no need of dialogue to determine this arrangement.

Peeta breathes deep as if relief is pouring out of his lungs. "She was just in time." The statement is so simple, yet it makes my breath still at its connotations.

"I had lost all hope, Peeta. Been a long time since I have been there. How will I ever make it up to her, or you for that matter?"

"She and Jo will be fine. They always are. They are both the same kind of crazy. She thought you left her. She came back different. Maybe her walk did her some good in the long run. I should have been kinder. I should have done something. Hard to believe she walked all the way to Twelve. "Peeta seems so philosophical about me while I sleep.

"She's a stubborn girl Peeta. She was always a little wild, even as a little girl. I wouldn't have her any other way."

"Me either. She's still pissed at me for threatening to arrest her. Said she was only leaving this room feet first. Hell, I didn't even sleep with the Terror of the Treetops and I'm the one in trouble."

Haymitch chuckles, "Oh, I imagine I haven't heard the last of this. She's just frightened. Can't let me out of her sight right now. Like I was with her, when I found her hanging blue faced in my bathroom. Of course by the next evening, she was a million miles away, trying to get herself killed all over again. She had no idea how many hours a day I monitored every observation camera she crossed paths with. I used to watch her sleep when the platoon was in base. This reminds me of it. "

"Why did you let her go? I was sick then. Neither one of you ever talks about it. I see you now, and I have heard the gist of the highlights but, I mean from the arena until she was shot, it's a labyrinth of conflicting dreamscapes and phantasms. I'd like to understand. I mean, really, you know?" His voice is so quiet I have to wiggle the pillow angle a bit to hear what Peeta said. My heart beat a little faster. I wanted to understand too.

I lay very still because Haymitch doesn't answer. I can't tell if his eyes are on me or not but, I suspect he's trying to decide if I am actually asleep. I twitch a little and moan. I know I am not a peaceful sleeper. It satisfies him.

"I should have spoken with you long before. Peeta I never intended to…"

Peeta crunches something as he speaks. "I know. Haymitch, don't you see, I am thankful to you. I could never be trusted with her again alone and what the two of you – I am so lucky. If Gale had taken her, I would have lost even the expectation of friendship with her. I don't think I could have, reversed the roles here. You've allowed me more than I will ever deserve."

"No. You didn't deserve what I did to you. I left you behind, lied to you, waited too long to retrieve you, and took your whole life. I wouldn't blame you for blowing me up yourself. You could have let me hang Peeta and she would have been all yours. I thought about that a lot. you know. This time too. So the least I owe you is the truth." Haymitch is using his soothing voice. My eyes are wide open now.

"I don't mean to be so pathetic." Peeta says, chuckling at himself.

I could hear Haymitch drinking something, and Peeta pouring him more. I was pretty sure he would have liked something with a bit more kick. "I loved her before she was reaped. Yes, I was a creepy lecherous old drunk who watched her without her knowing. She was the daughter of a friend. I had to be rather covert in my assistance. It wasn't that kind of love then, but it was a burdensome longing. That reaping day, I was beyond caring. The whole thing was almost funny, at my expense of course. Even my deepest secrets were not safe. By the time I brought you home I was foolishly, hopelessly mad for her and then I had to face the reality of what evil I had just done to the two of you. How do I mentor you into the next stage? How do I tell you that I have to teach you how to survive what he is going to do to you? Goddammit, Mags had explained to Finn and I damned near had to kill him to help him. He was the worst by far and now what I faced was unendurable."

"You mean the prostitution?" Peeta says, "I always assumed that I would not be called to participate. I joked that I would be the discount victor, half price special. Jo told me all about it. Warned me what was coming, right after we were taken. I wasn't innocent by the time of The Quell, you know. When Katniss and I were not speaking, I wasn't so happy. We were in crowded cells, naked, freezing half the time. It was all we had. I wasn't inexperienced by the time it was clear to them that Katniss wasn't storming the gates to save me, Haymitch. Of course in session as they called it, it was meant to hurt. Jo warned me and did what she could for me. It didn't matter that I only had one leg. They wanted Katniss to see me screaming. Did she see it? I've never had the nerve to ask."

"God no, Peeta. She is aware of its existence now. She has never requested. We kept her, out of the loop a great deal. Just imagining it all broke her; she would have never survived seeing that. I almost didn't?"

"What do you mean? You? "

I hear a deep breath. Haymitch makes a hmmph sound. "You must never tell her. I stole six vials of morphline after I watched you raped the first time. My fault. She was catatonic, then when she came back partly, there was no hope of ever fixing what I saw in her eyes, even a little. My fault. Finnick had gone insane. My fault. Beetee was still in terrible shape. Good old Chaff, my only friend for years had died, and poor Wireiss and Mags. Cinna, Seeder, Darius and fifty names you wouldn't know. I couldn't even locate Effie. Katniss emptied me with those betrayed eyes of hers. And I was lying to her. I knew when she found it all out… we were losing and losing horribly. Well, anyway, I passed out somewhere in the middle of the third vial, didn't quite get the job done fast enough. It still should have killed me. It was more than enough. I was in a coma for a couple-three days."

"Haymitch." Peeta conveys so much disappointment in that single word.

"Not even the only time Peeta. After she was shot, I was just waiting for her to take that final gasp. They said it was only a matter of hours. Nothing they could do for her. Remember when I took you to see her, told you to say goodbye?" They are both yomping on something now.

"I do. Her head was huge and I didn't understand who she was." Peeta says quietly, "You made me kiss her."

"Yes. Sort of a last act of kindness, because if you were ever well, I wouldn't be there to explain that I had, as Finnick put it, sent her to the wolves to die with a broken heart and her blood on my hands. Little bastard had been doing some of his own mentoring. I went to his room to slit his damned throat. Ugly thing for an ex-lover to do. He'd taken a bullet for her, and I was still going to kill him. I have a lot of shameful little secrets Peeta. That one, well, only you know that one."

"She and Finnick? I never would have imagined." He doesn't sound mad, more like amused at me.

"She thought I wanted her dead and she simply was complying with my wishes. How could I know she would simply hand someone like me her whole life if she though it would please me? Sometimes, dear boy, I am as clueless as she is. Anyway, it occurred like this. She came up with one of her stupid plans to save you. She decided to let you kill her. You see, in sorrow, she'd fallen into the arms of that Hawthorne kid. He was a good kid really, but they were not a very peaceful couple. She felt she had betrayed you. They argued after I managed to get her stupid little ass out of your room alive."

"She blocked the door. I remember it. It was like sex, Haymitch, killing her. It was…why didn't you kill me?"

Haymitch cleared his throat, coughing a little then drinking noisy gulps of water. "You have no idea how close you came to it. She stopped me. When you were suffering, I was angry with her. That time, I didn't do it, because she was right. You wanted to see her dead body. I still carry that image with me every day, her lying under that sheet. They painted her to look like a corpse, put contacts in her eyes to make them cloudy, and even though, I watched them do it, I was back on the morpline that night just to keep my sanity. That image, it has been too close too many times and it is real to me."

"It's still stuck in the pretty real zone to me too. I have nightmares about it," Peeta says. Candy, they are eating candy. I can smell it. A nurse walks in and makes small talk while she attends to Haymitch. They wait for her to leave before resuming the conversation.

"Anyway, we are doing anything to help you. I know she and Hawthorne are having some bumps but I discover that he is the capitols new target, and not only that, Coin has decided she can't trust him and I overheard a conversation about her intent to frag him. He catches a certain little Mockingjay coming out of my room, drunk and not in her best form and assumes wrongly that I have seduced her. He makes a huge stink. "

Peeta laughs like a co-conspirator. "I bet he did."

A cellophane crinkle bag rattles quietly. " I realize it's an opportunity to assert a little one-two-three punch. First it protects Hawthorne from being a Capitol prime target. Next, it places Katniss under my most glaring protection and Coin was afraid of me by then. And lastly, it made Snow question every tiny bit of info he had ever gathered. He had to double and triple check every fact bit he received, if we could hide this silly affair from him. Meant he would spend huge resources chasing his tale and questioning his underlings. Of course, being required to kiss her was my real motive. If we lost, I would have to pay dearly. But it was clean. I could have just a tiny thing I needed like air, and still look you in the eye and say it was just a show. It was for her. I thought she was going to throw up in Coins office that day. Poor thing and I pushed it on the way back to my room. She was so angry with me but it was like pure sunlight filling a tomb every time my lips touched hers." Haymitch is smiling, it can be heard in his speech, and I struggle not to give myself away by laughing.

I remember that day. I was not going to vomit stupid Haymitch. I didn't like what it made me feel. It made me like his annoying drunken lips, that should have tasted bitter from all the sarcasm that dripped from them.

"Then one day it all changed. That thing I could never hope to see, was in her eyes just a little. I knew it wasn't me she wanted, I was just familiar and convenient. Still, seeing it there, was going to be our undoing, once and for all. I never acted Peeta. When I told her in the cafeteria that I loved her, I meant it so much it hurt. I truly thought she was making fun of me when she would kiss me in private. It was a cruel joke that amused her, and sometimes she was just afraid and needy, but I fought to not betray you again. I swear it. I thought that we had finally put an end to my torture. She promised she would never ask again. It was a painful relief for me. She had no idea how close I had come to…losing all self-respect for myself and requiring my instant and immediate disposal of myself in the most painful and decidedly final way possible. I swore if I hurt her, I would douse myself with hovercraft fuel and set myself on fire. I meant it so deeply that I could control myself with her. One of my well-designed, little whorish visualization techniques. That was my intent if I gave in."

"You have a sick mind Haymitch," Peeta says with mock repulsion.

"Peeta, did you happen to catch any names of you torturers? Anything at all? They would have been nick names of course; do you remember any of them?"

"Nothing I remember. No, I don't think so."

"We'll come back to that. Anyway, she said she would never ask again and if I didn't want her, she'd leave. Then she locks herself in the bathroom. Nothing new there. But something kept nagging at me. The way she'd said it. I knocked, she was fine. Knocked again, she is still fine, but instincts somehow kept sending needles down my spine and I hear her humming that song. The one about the tree. She won't let me in. Now I am angry. I pick the lock and the door opens just far enough for me to realize it is blocked. It took me ten minutes to break it down, and I am hysterical at this point. Her face is blue and her tongue was protruding. Her eyes were open just enough for me to see they were fixed, one crossed in oddly. There was no rush. She was gone. The most beautiful, perfect thing I had ever known had slipped right through my fingers. She didn't blame me for not wanting her and now I could only blame me. I killed her too. I killed everything I touched. I trembled as I cut her down. She was still warm for god's sake. And I took that thing from her neck and I held her and I screamed until I was insane, and I would have probably sat there like that, no longer wholly human, until maggots ate us both. "

"I understand," Peeta whispers.

"Then she took one single lurching precious breath and I was shocked out of it. Her eyes are open she was in there again. I cried for joy, baptized in hot vomit from this little fallen angel in my arms. I don't remember what I said to her but it was probably something horrible. Anger would accelerate her heart and I took her back in the shower and bathed us as she cursed me. I didn't care. Alive was all that mattered. She shivered naked against me and I knew even the fire was not enough to make me not want her. I carried her into my sloppy mess of a bed and lay there with her for hours, terrified of being away from her even long enough to give her something to drink."

"I don't know what I would have done, Haymitch. I can't even imagine how horrible it would be."

Haymitch's voice changes again as if he's reciting poetry, "Her head was on my shoulder and I couldn't stop shivering in fear. I was sweating all over her bloated little face and I couldn't move. Then she finally began moving on her own, and she was kissing my skin, so shyly as if I wouldn't notice if she moved slowly enough. And I decided that to have her once was worth the fire. I would take her whether she wanted me or not and it wouldn't even hurt to burn afterward. That was where I was. I was not thinking as I touched her and kissed her. I slipped my finger into her and tasted the promise of her and as I relished it, the picture of her in the morgue came and I pulled away again."

I thought it was disgust crossing his face. I thought he he'd done that to be nasty. I wish he would talk to me like this.

"I sat there on the edge of reason trying to figure out how to save her this time, because any action I took lead to that vision. I needed to take her to the hospital. She had been dead, there had to be damage. I would have her afterward, make sure she was well before I destroyed her once and for all. She rose and began dressing in dirty stinking clothes and I knew she wouldn't let me find her this time."

"She was running away," Peeta says more in agreement then explanation.

"I was so angry at her. I said horrible things to her and then she stood there, letting the clothes fall to the floor, still willing, still tempting me and I was taken. I gave her a choice. But I can tell you now, it was a lie. She had no choice. Yet she made the only choice she had at that moment in her own mind, not knowing my darkness and giving herself to me, wanting me. She thought that she had won. I couldn't stop, but as I betrayed you both once and for all time, I looked in her eyes and they were no longer full of sorrow. I couldn't even comprehend that she wasn't screaming and begging me to stop. I melted that day. Over and over I melted in her arms. " He sniffs his nose and asks for Peeta to hand him crackers. There is more crunching.

"We slept and I awoke, knowing I had made the worst mistake of my life. It was worth it to me, the flames would cook all of me to nothing but a grim black hulk of oily grizzle, but she would die too and nothing was worth that. I should have been gentle with her. I should have been kinder to her; I should have not been so drunk when she awakened."

I lay there listening to this. I could never imagine all of Haymitch's doors. I would need a thousand years to knock on them all.

"She was fine. She had taken something from our encounter and turned it into some strong determined thing within herself. She was mad at me but I heard her say what I needed to hear. She was trying to tell me, and I didn't see it. I could only sit there like an ass and tell her I was sorry. And just like that without an argument she left me. I went looking for her. She was gone. She was on her way to lead the rebellion. She was going to the boy. I detested him. Hawthorne. But Katniss is selfish, I told myself. What happened was just a fluke. Somehow she found what she needed and now she was moving on. I had to help her."

"What about the fire?" Peeta is amused and you could hear the smirk in his voice.

"I couldn't very well murder myself when she needed me most. My army would see she was safe. My people would protect her. They did, though she proved herself beyond my hopes."

"I have watched a great deal of the footage. She was terrifying. Just brutal and not the girl who went to the games."

"Oh yes she was. The girl was meant for war. I have never seen her so full of power. She and Jojo, nothing could stop them. Then Odair blazed into the picture and I soon had his room bugged. I watched her in hideous possessiveness as he made her every glance at him, one of complete joy. He called me to gloat and swagger. We have much history, Finn and I, and not all of it is good anymore. I had loved him once. I still do a little. He made me so mad, I destroyed my command room. Took Beetee six days to get it up and running again. I spent a great deal of time with Annie. I am not a nice man, Peeta. People always underestimate good old Haymitch. But Annie is too pure and I knew Finnick would get my message simply by knowing that if he hurt my girl, I could hurt his."

'So how did you make friends again?"

"I walked in his room to slit his throat and I found out he was as helpless to her as you and I were. There was some fear in his face, but the pity shocked me. He told me not to give up until her last breath. Even if she couldn't hear me, he told me to say it anyway. His eyes were far away when he spoke of her, not cruel or blackhearted. Finnick lost to her as Hawthorne had once, though by then Hawthorne had his nose so far up Jojo's skirt, he could have sneezed and made her gargle." Haymitch and Peeta chuckle.

"I can see them still. They were not very secretive."

"Now Peeta, if Jojo taught you a tenth if what she knows, you know she's got that little out-there in public factor." Haymitch teases.

"Well it wasn't like we had any choice. I didn't assume."

"Yes, speaking of those circumstances. Any names pop up in your little Mutt memory banks?"

An odd static noise sizzles and it takes me a moment to realize it is Peeta.

"Morph out your screams, Peeta. That will wake her," Haymitch says with elusive silk in his voice.

Another voice sounds in the room, I think it is the intercom at first. "I don't care, Horn Point, he's friends with The Marquee. Take it easy. You want him mad? You'll look over your shoulder the rest of your life… Alright, but they say he's dead. Twirler said he ain't coming back…..Yeah but Hell's Kitchen…." The remainder is too garbled. Peeta responds in his normal voice. "That one, Hell's Kitchen, that one …Haymitch he was so bad. He hurt Annie too."

There is no sound for a moment. I hear papers shuffle a little. "Sorry. I need you to listen to me very carefully Peeta. Hell's Kitchen's real name is Karl Baker. He was recruited from the pool of tributes at the age of 13. Panem watched him die in the sixty-sixth. He was swallowed by a lake monster. That is what Panem saw. What actually happened is that he was trained in the arts. You see there are worse things in Panem then being a winner. Twirler was a kid from your own district. The audience saw him fall into a crevice in the Ice games. He was fourteen and you might remember him. Baton Greer. Horn Point is little Jackie DeVille from Seven. He was in the games the year before Johanna won. He was twelve. There are thirty-seven of them that survived the training and the war the last I heard. Winning was not the very worst thing Peeta."

"I never saw the other one. The one they spoke of."

"No Peeta, he was the one who trained the tortures. The Master of Monsters. He taught them how to hurt you. You could say he was responsible for that section of your torment. You wouldn't see him, Peeta. He was in thirteen, seducing your girl. My lambs were not all sheep. I trained the wolves as well. I am The Marquee. And you knew that didn't you?"

"Maybe. Why are you saying this?" Peeta's voice is stressed up-pitch.

"I want you to know why I wanted death so badly after I saw them hurt you. Because the next time you go Mutt on me and blow me up, I want you to have clear memory of why."

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><p>Ok - doom doom doom tum ta doom dom doom doom doooooom! Really do not eavesdrop. It is rude! Reviews are Not Rude -Please review. I wrote you a review poem.<p>

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	20. Chapter 20

**Author: Howlynn  
>Realm: <em>The Hunger Games<em>, Suzanne Collins  
>Story Title: The Mockingjay and the Chameleon20<br>Summary: The secrets of understanding are never found, when they remain secret. What are shadows made of?  
>CharacterRelationships: Katniss/ Haymitch/Peeta/ , lots of other off camera pairings and juice.**

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><p>``Haymitch, I didn't. I couldn't have."<p>

"Yes, I think you did Peeta. It's ok. You have not been yourself. If there is another answer, then show it to me. But I have hashed every answer I can and that only leaves one conclusion." Haymitch's voice is gentle, and not accusatory.

"I didn't hurt you! How can you say that? I saved you. I—" Peeta's voice is rising.

"Peeta, sequence endeavor, recall Type 7 Gage2," Haymitch says and waits.

I nearly sit up at this horrible thought, but I am absolutely frozen. I tip my head out from under the pillow to see what happens. Peeta stands at attention and he blinks rapidly, though his face is blank. I feel as if I have just fallen into a nightmare because whatever is about to happen must not. I watch silent and in terror.

Peeta speaks in a dead languid voice. "Request audit of memory file." There is a beep. I nearly vomit when I accept this has nothing to do with the hospital sounds of Haymitch's monitors. It is a sound not made by humans, yet it just issued from Peeta. What have they done to him?

"Hyper implant, direct connect. Current time minus 20 units. Establish programing in conduct on date. Review level 1." Haymitch says this string of nonsense with ease and a wistful confidence.

So quietly, I can just hear it with my rebuilt ear, Peeta speaks rapidly, "Directive one -In case of primary loss, unit will function as chaos within any challenger's web. Unit will remain in function and not recall program without correct sequence. Assassinate all Presidents, rulers, dictators and leaders of Panem until Primary Snow contingent is reestablished. Present yourself for disposal and further programing at time of keyword retrieval. Program loop success infinite and loop retrieval. Directive two – Establish useful alliance within enemy standard protocol. Drive landing for placement. Directive three – maintain fleet. Directive four – offer no resistance of Upper will directives and maintain all files on covert log."

"Peeta, redirect directive four, seraph maintenance , all files are available immediately to Upper will. Abandon covert setting. Open log. Abandon directive one."

Peeta stood still and blinked. "Primary code authorization?"

"Authorize Marquee, snow directive maximum, minimum, Marquee 50 – 15 – 666 – 12"

"Directive loaded. Implement new fill." Peeta blinks again.

"End fix. Retain authorization initiated with prejudice. All other commanders void, close loop."Haymitch says this with calm patience.

"Keyword requested for final installation."

"Mark point – The Snow is falling," Haymitch says.

"Incorrect Key." Peeta replies without inflection.

"Keyword mark point – In your favor." Haymitch tries again, but he hesitates on the phrase.

"Incorrect Key. Final authorization allowed."

Haymitch sighs. He taps his fingers in limbo then closes his eyes and speaks. "Keyword mark point – Burn traitor burn."

Peeta begins ticking slightly and his eyes flick back and forth to the sound then they still as he speaks again. "Digital initiation, hybrid program accepted."

"Keyword reset."

"New pass key allowed. Reset now."

"Keyword marquee only – Betting on you, sweetheart. Point end."

"Confirm." Peeta twitches slightly, but stands perfectly still otherwise.

"Keyword marquee only – Betting on you, sweetheart."

"Keys locked." Peeta beeps again.

Haymitch blows his breath out in relief. "Peeta, Return to Function." Haymitch says sadly and I can hear pain play in the way he has to clear his throat as the seconds pass. I wait, lying so close to them, yet wrapped in the understanding that there is something terribly wrong with my Peeta. I don't understand exactly what has occurred but I fear it as I calculate all the shocking truths I have just witnessed.

The room is silent as I wait to discover whether or not Haymitch is some secret Snow replacement. How could he have known to do what he just did, without it being a screaming fact that everything we have accomplished was just a futile waste of lives? Haymitch just admitted that he was nothing more than a piece in Snow's giant arena. What team did he really play for? Who is this man I love? I can't fathom that I have only played the games of another monster. What is Peeta? Is he even Peeta? Is he all Mutt or some type of hybrid mess left to fool me until it finally kills me. I am a frightened little bunny waiting for the teeth to rip me out of my hiding place.

"Haymitch? " The sound of Peeta's real voice is questioning, broken. "Oh God."

"I need you to calm down, Peeta."

"I killed them?" he says with torture in his whisper.

"Yes you did, Peeta. I'm sorry. Now we have to make some decisions. Please sit back down."

Haymitch has just blown my heart all to pieces. I lay still, tears blinding me and yet I say nothing. What decisions will Haymitch demand? They will kill Peeta if it becomes public that he killed them. If they do, is it even a tragedy? I will kill him myself before I let him be used and humiliated like a fancy toy. Haymitch will not be allowed to keep his pet Peeta weapon while I draw breath. The Mockingjay steps in for poor little breaking Katniss. The war discovered in this room, calls her to duty.

"There will be another trial," Peeta says softly. "I can't put her through it. Even our more humane executions, I won't let her live that. "

"No, we are not going that way at all. This is between you and I Peeta. Now we know, now we can deal with it."

Peeta hisses in quiet anger. "Between you and me? There is nothing between you and me. I have tried to murder you. I have murdered four men. They had suffered with us, loyal rebels and once they finally have a future, I destroy them. The families. There is only one answer here and you know it."

"There are many answers. The first one you landed on sucks like a Mockingjay plan." I hear the candy wrapper crinkle again. Haymitch chuckles, Peeta doesn't. I hold my breath until it won't last any longer. It escapes noisily. It happens more rapidly, I am losing control while Katniss and that other piece of me battle for dominance. I'm not quite sobbing but unable to fake silence and I screw my eyes shut hoping I haven't drawn their attention.

"She's having another one of her nightmares." Haymitch says kindly, "Go soothe her, Peeta. I can't stand them. Just pet her hair, let her rest."

Peeta doesn't move. "I can't. I might hurt her."

"No you won't. Please, before I get up and do it myself."

I am crying now. I keep my eyes closed, but I don't hide my tears. "Everything is fine Katniss. You are safe. It's all right. " He lifts the pillow gently and I feel his shaking cold hand touch me.

"Peeta." The word leaps out of my sobs.

"I am right here. It is fine." His hand delicately slides on my scalp. A nurse enters and while she is taking his measure, Haymitch says in a kind commanding voice that they are to not return for the next two hours. He tells them to monitor him through these infernal machines and I hear the attitude in the nurse's voice even if her words are pleasant and seemingly contrite.

I cry, but after a few minutes the effect is calming. I let her take the wheel, because only that stony part of me can pull this off and keep the unemotional distance to hear this and know what action must result. I think of my useless weapons Peeta confiscated and feel like a fool for letting them leave my hands just to show off. His fingers grow warm and I sigh deeply. I could go to sleep. But I think I better listen.

"There you are. It's over. Thank you. Now let us speak without raised voices." I hear Haymitch tell him.

"There isn't much to talk about." The sound is dejection mixed with shame. He stands again and walks away from me. My eyes slit open again, the hunter watching two apex predators and staying downwind of them for now.

"You're my best friend Peeta. I am counting on you. I need you. She needs you. That child she carries will need you. It is time we face all of it. I can't do it without you. Please, at least hear me out." Haymitch says in his demanding humble voice.

"Counting on me to what?" The bed groans a bit under Peeta's weight again. "Kill you better next time? You have a weird idea of friendship."

"Ok, Coal in the bin, straight up level then. In the first place, you have no blame in this matter. There is no telling how much programing is imbedded. Now you will be aware of it."

"What am I? It isn't just tracker-jacker. Am I really what she says? Am I a Mutt Lord? Haymitch, how did you do what you just did?" Peeta sounds as if he's not functioning well. "Haymitch, are you…Oh God. Are you the…You're Snow's Contingent?"

"No. No I am not. But I was in an advanced position. It was survival. I had no choice either Peeta, but it became an advantage once I learned to exploit it. I want to be honest with someone. I want you to hear me out. I know your secrets, but you don't know mine. There were many dark appetites in Panem. They nearly killed me, but I took a different path from Finnick. I embraced their darkness, used it in fact. It became fashionable among a certain type of crowd. By the time I was Finnick's age, I lived parallel with myself, forever split and separate. You can do it too. Jojo and I have not just been screwing around you know. She knew what they did to you. She memorized everything she could, that they said to you in front of her. The night Katniss left, I wanted to explain. I needed Jojo to back me up. It's true I went to her, but you didn't understand why."

"I hated you at that moment, Haymitch. The two of you come strolling back less than an hour later, and that smarmy sarcastic thing between you. I had to tell you that she had fled out the window. Jo laughing. I knew it would end badly. I saw Katniss' face. Hard and empty, just like you most of the time. I said appalling things to you. I wanted you to break for her. I did it on purpose."

"I know. I didn't even blame you. Peeta, I should have told you, but that was the whole purpose of going to get Jojo. Right then. At once. Yes, I had slept with Jojo. She and I both knew it was just our stupid way to hold on to sanity. I didn't try to hide it or lie to her. I didn't think of Hawthorne and what it must have looked like until she was home. Jojo would never hurt Katniss on purpose. Well, they have their little girl spats, but even that is just a playful bonding you know. They are not like other women. They are warriors. I should have guessed she wouldn't understand. But Katniss had you, and I had not set our boundaries. Hell, she asked it of me once, for Jo. I misunderstood and let my temper speak, expecting an apology once she saw the whole picture. I never thought she would run from you. That was why I sent you, to watch her, comfort her until the four of us could sit down and explain. We had discovered something. Something important. It was good news. Her disappearance just took the wind from me. I was so worried about what could have happened, and I couldn't do anything. I had to believe in my girl. I had to let her go if it was what she wanted, just like I have always promised her. I went from delight to despair. I wasn't sure my happy news even mattered anymore."

"What was it?"

"Jojo found your code book. We hoped either she or I would have access. Peeta, Jojo and I lived far darker places than average victors. Why do you think Jojo was so much better at being tortured? But, the very beginning of my rebel thoughts began in those places. My first loyal ones came from that tiny point. All webs that connected later, grew from that horror I had survived. There are two of me, just like there are two of you. Mine was sheared off, yours implanted. But Peeta, we can fix this. "

" How do I fix the ones who died?" He sounds lost.

"By not joining them. Peeta I need you and your mutts. How do you think this ends, Peeta? Look into the future. You and she will outlive me. That isn't fatalistic, just simple life span. On the other hand, how long will I last without you? Your mutts will go wild, feral or find someone with the ability to control them. They are out there. He left a vast network. They lay low now. They have not implemented. They think it is all going smoothly as Snow planned if defeat should occur. They are waiting to take control of you once you have fulfilled your directives. Who else do you suppose they have in your sights for destruction? I am sure one name must be in your immediate recall?"

"Katniss," Peeta confirms. "All the more reason to dispose of me. Now, tonight."

"Do you think that if you fall, there are no backup rulers of the abominations you control?"

"I don't know." he admits.

"Trust me Peeta. Hear me. I am not betraying her by asking you to live. I am not saying the men who died had no value. I do regret the loss but punishing you for what you could not control, has no value or justice. Let us punish those responsible instead. Let us turn their own evil against them and make it something good. I can reprogram you. I have just not only proven it, but I have blocked them from taking you and turning you against us. At least until they hack your banks. If we are smart and take our time, I can probably return you to your soul will. I promise to set you free. I don't want control of you a moment longer than necessary. I can fix this if you will let me. I believe it, Peeta. We didn't know this initially, so we were stumbling blind and still the things they did to you were not flawless."

"What if you can't? What if I can't be fixed?" Peeta asks in halfhearted disgust.

"Then I swear with every ounce of love I have for you, that I will end you."

"How does Katniss survive that outcome? Back to square one."

"If we see that end in sight, the mutts must go first and the contingent. We will have to keep things from her. I don't want to, but we can make a pact to explain it all to her as soon as we know our score."

"Seems very iffy and fragile. What if you die? She is defenseless."

"She always was. But more importantly, our daughter is too?"

"Not our, Haymitch. You and she. I have no relevance to the baby."

"You have sworn to protect her with your life. Peeta, this child is technically from my gene pool but you have feelings for her. I see it. We also need to consider the long term effects of our happy little triangle. I was not expecting my little gift to grow into a permanent agreement, but we must consider this arrangement logically. This child is mine without doubt, but if we continue, do we intend to guarantee that repeated parentage? We have taken no precautions to secure that outcome. If she were not already in her current condition, does it matter who genetically is responsible for the next stirring of life within her? Do you want to step away and hope for a new love or will you stay with us, unable to find anything that compares with this?"

"With all we have to face, I'm not very worried about that. I see what you mean though, and we have to make sure I am not responsible for putting a monster in her."

"Peeta, you have no need to fear fatherhood. This was done to you physically, it doesn't alter the genetics of any offspring any more than Chaff would father one armed babies. I will prove it if you question this. It is a simple procedure to show you have only your own genetic material. What I am trying to propose here is a new circumstance. A new way for a new world. I am saying that we allow fate to make the choices of parentage and this child and all future children will be ours. The three of us, equal. Peeta marry us. In your heart, let us be a true family."

"I don't understand. How can you hand that to me? She is yours. You won. I lost. You have been more than willing to show me kindness. But I have always known it would end. At some point I will try your patience or we will have a falling out or I will try to murder you or her. For you to be stuck with an unwanted reminder of me, daily, for the rest of your lives would be foolish. It would be treated just like I was. Resented and unwelcome. I was an accident, Haymitch. She didn't even shed a tear when she said goodbye to me. My mother. Nothing loved me when I was worthy of it, nothing will now, not even the two of you. Not forever. We should be planning my exit strategy, not cementing the shackles, and creating ties I could never survive losing if you came to your senses."

"Then you don't understand her at all. You and I don't love the same creature Peeta. You love all that is good in her, and she deserves all the sweetness in life you offer her that I can't. I love all the cunning black evil in her that gave her the ability be something beyond a little girl from the seam who died in the hunger games. I love that she took that power and made it yield to right and justice. She didn't let it swallow her or tempt her to play the greatest games of all with anything but integrity and love. It made her able to do terrible things for all the right reasons. What I bring to the table is knowing and appreciating how very rare those qualities are. I worship her darkness and you cherish her light. She must have both of us until the two parts of her are reconciled in peace or she will destroy herself hating one or the other."

"Haymitch, I do see her darkness too. It was the one thing, besides my ruin, that made me sure she was yours. I can't manage that part of her like you do. I would have failed alone, even if I had gone to thirteen whole and well. I love her, but I know she would never be a fire that I could contain. I cannot bake the bread of life in her fire without the black iron oven that is your love for her. I am no good to her without you, so you are the one who doesn't understand her. You don't need me."

Haymitch's voice tempers into adoration and I have never heard him sound so vulnerable." I need you more than you can imagine. Peeta, I love you, more than a brother or what I imagine I would a son. I am not romancing you by the way, it isn't the in-love sort of event I had with Finn. But, it is beyond something I have words for. I trust you implicitly and it's what I need from you in return. I need to be trusted by something pure. I need you as much as she does."

"How can you trust me? How can you feel that, knowing what I am? I don't even know what I am, but I am without doubt impure and defiled. I am a sullied corruption of that long ago Peeta. Don't let the frosting fool you."

"It doesn't, but there is still fine cake under the obnoxiously sickening frosting." Haymitch says. They both laugh at their silly metaphors. Haymitch leans forward; his face is close to Peeta, looking in his eyes intensely. His hand pats Peeta's cheek then drops to the shoulder and squeezes in the same fashion I have seen a father reach out and confide in an adult son some secret wisdom of life. " I will leave the two of you sooner or later. If I live to be seventy-five, you two will only be fifty. I will never see my children reach adulthood Peeta. I don't know when or why, but Jamie, my brother, alluded to it. Maybe I will only have a short time, I don't know. I don't have more than eighteen years. That is the maximum once this child enters the world. It's not fair and yet this child makes every second worth it all for me. I accept it with complete tranquility and feel blessed for as many hours, days, even a single year, whatever I get will feel like reward enough. Yet it does make me afraid, for her. Who will protect them once I can't? My spirit could never rest if I must die thinking she will be alone. I told you once that someday her prince would rescue her from my evil clutches. How about you and I rescue each other. I will turn you back into her prince and save you from torment. And then you will save me, by giving me the gift of knowing she is never to be at the mercy of someone who doesn't cherish her. All of her. "

Peeta looks at him for a long time, then his eyes spill with tears. His head bows to Haymitch's chest and I know he is crumbling. It is quiet in the room. "She will never want me now." He mumbles into the shoulder in misery.

Haymitch comforts him, but he doesn't argue. I have been dished out to them like a shared bag of candy, yet I am not offended. No, I am so thankful that I witnessed this exchange. I feel like I have been given a glimpse of all the fears of the night and discovered that shadows have no true power in the light. Shadows are just shade and no darkness can win unless I hide, unless I wall off the entire world and become my own tomb. I can't remain in darkness without refusing to believe in the sun.

I am fire. The sun is fire. The sun will rise. Peeta holds the secrets of bread and life and love. Hard black Iron stands between Peeta and Me. Haymitch gives us purpose. He makes us both a far more perfect thing than could be achieved or dreamed if fate had not Seamed and Reaped and Kneaded us into a family and kissed us with fire. We will be one, Fire, Life and Metal. We will rise together and be a proof that despite it all, because of it all, hope is worth it. It was worth it all. The Bread is not broken. It was always more than the events that created it. It is about the simple nourishment of each in their own way, not in the greed of dividing it.

I sit up and wait for them to notice me smiling at them. Peeta feels Haymitch tense and follows his gaze my way. They look at me filled with guilt and fear. I stand up and put my arms around them both and whisper, "Marry us Peeta. Be ours and let us promise to be yours?"

His sweet blue eyes meet our gray ones, searching for our hearts. "Katniss? Are you sure? We are all so broken?"

I nod. "Not together we aren't. Together we will never be without hope."

_"The so-called "psychotically depressed" person who tries to kill herself doesn't do so out of quote "hopelessness" or any abstract conviction that life's assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire's flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It's not desiring the fall; it's terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling "Don't!" and "Hang on!", can understand the jump. Not really. You'd have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling." _

_― David Foster Wallace_

When Haymitch got out of the hospital, our minds were not changed. Peeta hustled all the kitchen help out the door, telling them it was a paid holiday. He ground the grain fine and soft. He added yeast and warm water and when it bubbled and began to transform, he added oil and salt and more flour. We stood watching him as he measured dried fruit and nuts, telling us the significant meaning of the individual ingredients.

"My father made this bread and I make it to remember him. This is the way he would say it. The grain is ground to release the hidden sun, that man may know each day must be lived and become greater once the tiny seeds of life are contemplated in the light of wisdom. Take only the good days forward or the bread will be bitter like my mother. Sprinkle the yeast and don't ask it how it works, only have faith that it will. Warm the water that your spirit and the yeast will find comfort. The water must be pure and clean, remember the most common things are found all around us, but don't think they aren't important. Add a bit of sugar to sweeten the world with kindness, then know that salt adds flavor and controls the hungry spirit. Oil is our strength and guides the hardest times to softness and makes the bread light and delicious rather than rigid and heavy. Now you can add the rest of the flour because you've prepared the mix for its burden. The nuts represent rewards earned in labor. Sunflower seeds for common tasks, Walnuts for extraordinary feats, and almonds represent our individual talents we share with the world. The berries represent the sweetness's of life, preserved in our memory to be savored. The blueberries are the color of the night sky, that we may rest and ponder on the meaning of the stars. The cranberries are tart, opening our eyes and hearts to love. And finally we add the apples. They remind us to be satisfied with the bounty of the world and always remember that the outside doesn't matter, it's the inside that counts." Peeta looks up at us shyly and then begins kneading the dough.

Haymitch and I watch him and I remember the bread he made for my wedding. "Peeta? You didn't put any sesame seeds in this bread. It was in the bread you made for us."

Peeta doesn't say anything until he has the three loaves divided and beautifully shaped and cozied on top of the warm oven to rise. Then he sighs and with his back to us he says, "Sesame seeds are in little cases that burst open when they are finished. Once the doors are open the tiny seeds are free to scatter where they please. I added them because I was setting you free, Katniss. I was opening the door and saying goodbye." He turns and he is trying so hard not to cry. "This bread doesn't need them. When it's finished, I only have to say goodbye when we finally part. Not ever again in life. Not ever again while we have beating hearts. I let you both go; no matter how hard and you came back to me. I will never let you go again."

"Oh, Peeta." Haymitch whispers as if his heart is breaking. He shakes his head and slouches slightly, seeing our big eventful day with a little shame.

Peeta sniffs and quickly wipes his eyes. "It isn't important. That was just the skin of the apple. You both came back for me. Even though I tried to kill you both you loved me more than that. You love me more than anyone ever did. That is the important part."

There were no guests and no papers to be signed. This was ours alone.

Peeta began the vows. He was always the speech maker. "Life is never stopping on one perfect moment though there are some I thought were as good as it could ever be for me. I keep finding moments that I said to myself could never be experienced again. Nothing could ever be that beautiful and perfect again. Then a better one would come along. I have had times I was sure only bleakness and sorrow would be all that ever found me, but then something would happen and I was sure that this new moment would be my last perfect moment. Then there would be a lot of bad things and some of those good moments sometimes even got lost. But just thinking of one or two helped me. The day of the reaping was horrible when you volunteered. Then they called my name and as stupid as it must have sounded, I was happy. I didn't have to sit home and watch you die. I got to hand my life to you, Katniss. Not how I wanted, but it was enough. It was perfect."

I nod and he clears his throat. "Then we rode the chariots and I got to hold your hand. Nothing could ever be more perfect. But then we watched the sunset and it was even better. I got to die protecting you and it hurt, but I knew I had done the best I could and it made the pain not very important. I didn't die and you came back for me and dying didn't matter at all. And you kissed me. Then we won and nothing could ever surpass that. Then we were reaped again and it meant so much to me that you wanted to protect me, even though I wasn't going to let you. One day, I knew who you were again and I saved you finally, for real. Then you were in his arms and the pain didn't matter at all, because you were happy. I can't explain what Haymitch loved me enough to do. It wasn't about just getting to be with you, it was getting to be alive with you, just once. Nothing could ever match it. Realizing I got to be a part of this circle was bigger still. And now there is this moment. This perfect unimaginable thing and two people love me enough to make me matter. Haymitch the things you have returned to me, the moments, the real memories, we still have things to do, but the faith in me, is one part. Katniss, my beautiful, Katniss. I get to say that for the rest of my life. But here is the strange part. This time as I vow to love you both with every beat of my heart, that we are family forever, I don't grasp at this day and think this is it, and I don't think this is the greatest moment I will ever know. It is just my greatest moment so far. I love you sweetheart." Peeta toasts his bread and then he looks over at Haymitch and grins in mirth, "You aren't as pretty as her, but I love you too, sweetheart."

Haymitch smirks and shakes his head being a good sport. "You can kiss me later, Peeta."

Peeta is forming his reply when I clear my throat. "Back on track gentlemen. My turn. Haymitch you are my light, my sunrise in the darkness. Peeta you are my perfect sunset full of all the colors of a dream. I vow to love you both without selfishness and to make sure I honor you both with all I have to give. I will never cheat you with just pieces of me, you both have my whole full heart. I will protect your lives and this love with all I am, in darkness and light forever."

They both smiled and I toasted my bread. Haymitch cleared his throat. "To the both of you, I am yours. I will try not to screw it up too badly and I will try to not yell at you both so much. I need you. I will never deserve either one of you or understand why you would be stupid enough to put up with me, but I have never been so thankful for stupid people in my life. My life, my love, everything I have is yours." He winked at us and took special care toasting his bread.

We fed it to each other, taking nibbles of each piece and then losing track of who had bitten what until we were laughing and all our mouths were stuffed with bread. We poured shots from a bottle of Ripper's Original Cornwhisky – Presidential Private Stock, though you could buy this exact bottle in almost any district now. We toasted again, just the one shot, no more.

Haymitch sighs and then he fixes his eye on Peeta. "How would you like to handle the bridal kissing?"

"Well I didn't really think of it. "Peeta says and concentrates with a shrug.

I glare at Haymitch as he rolls his head slightly and smirks. Oh god, incoming. "Well, you should kiss her first, you can save me for last," his voice drops into his seductive capital Purr, so baritone and silky it could seduce an Avox into singing, and he looks Peeta up and down as if he could eat him for dinner and says, " Just so you know, sweetheart, I think you are almost as pretty as she is. She didn't like kissing me much the first time either, but you'll come around."

Peeta's eyes go wide and he involuntarily backs up one step. He is trying to figure out something to say, when I rescue him. "He's kidding Peeta. Get used to it." I press my lips to his and he relaxes into it and keeps one eye open and fixed on Haymitch. I let my tongue and a little sigh distract him from his watchful attention.

I turn to Haymitch and give him a scowl, "Behave!"

Haymitch wraps his arms around me and smirks, pleased with the reaction he has obtained. "What? Just being friendly to my new husband. Look at him, sweetheart, you don't really think the thought hasn't crossed my mind? Or are you jealous after all?"

"Kiss me, before my eyes turn green as an Odair." Haymitch does kiss me and he pays absolutely no attention to Peeta's whereabouts during the exchange.

Haymitch steps toward Peeta, huge rotten grin on his face and takes Peeta's face in his hands as Peeta wiggles in distress, but isn't sure how to stop what is about to take place. Haymitch closes his eyes and pulls Peeta close, angling up at the last second before he plants a loud sloppy kiss right on Peeta's forehead.

"Thank you, Haymitch, very funny." Peeta finally relaxes and laughs at himself a bit.

Haymitch winks wickedly, "Never say never, I have always loved a challenge." He bounces his eyebrows at Peeta in a ridiculous fashion then says, "Aren't we getting near the good part, sweetheart. Ready to take a stab at superseding our wedding night? "

I look confused. "Nothing happened on our wedding night," I say a little worried what his next joke will be about.

Haymitch's face grows serious and his head tilts at me, just a tiny sideways charming movement. "And yet it still is the most perfect night of my life. After I got you to sleep, I practiced saying…And this is my beautiful wife, Katniss Abernathy."

His beautiful wife, their beautiful wife, looked rather ragged and icky. I had cried in front of people and I am mad about being seen that way, but Haymitch isn't ashamed and he is blubbering like he'd taken girl lessons. He looks down in terrified befuddlement, into the scrunchy little red face as he held our Rue for the first time.

"Dear God Katniss, look what you've done. Look at her." He couldn't stop kissing her and smelling her and being amazed at her every tiny twitch. "She's perfect. Oh you're my little sweetheart and woe be the man who ever crosses you. Peeta? We are fathers!" He announces this to the stares of some rather confused nurses.

Peeta holds my hand and kisses my forehead and says secretively to the onlookers, "Early stage senility?"

I laugh and Peeta kisses me for real as Haymitch shows off the baby to the very same people who just watched her make her entrance. They don't know what to think of us. Finally Hay offers Peeta a chance to hold her. Peeta, it is immediately evident, is a baby expert. He balances her casually in the crook of his arm, despite Haymitch giving him frantic instructions. "Hello Princess, I'm your other dad. I thought you'd never get here."

Rue pops her eyes open for just a second and they are brilliant blue, like Peetas. Haymitch frowns a little, and kind of glares at me. I return his gazes with smug indifference.

"Relax, Dad, they all have blue eyes to start out with." Peeta finally explains to Haymitch.

I liked sniffing the baby too, but I was just a tiny bit jealous of her. After all she had the rapture of the two most wonderful men I knew, and she couldn't even pull a bow yet. "Uncle Jamie, Uncle Gale, Grandpa Everdeen. " I said softly, calling on the past to welcome the future that could only be filled with cranberries and apples and more little wheat grains then my heart could have ever known existed.

I dreamed in exhaustion. Labor is called that, because it is like trying to run ten miles with a field dressed deer carcass, while you never find downhill.

"Hello, sweetheart. You made me an Uncle after all I see?"

"Jamie. Isn't she beautiful? He's happy."

"I see that. Very nice. She is most beautiful. Now about our bargain. There's your baby, bam you drop dead?"

I can't hide my sorrow, but I did say that. I had meant it at the time. I nod, meeting his eyes. "It was still worth it." I say with husky defiance.

He smiles and scratches his chin. "He barely let you hold her. Sure you're ready."

"I won't ever be ready now, Jamie. But it was a fair trade."

"Too bad. You kind of have it all don't you?" he says, almost wistfully.

"They have it all. She is worth it. She is. I don't want to go. I would do..anything, but can we make it quick for them. I don't want it to be horrible for them."

"Fast is going to be a lot more painful?" he says amused at me.

"I don't care. They're worth it. Whatever you have to do to me, just make it easy on them."

"Good. Well, to make it really easy on them, they would never see you die. It would be infinitely more painful on you though? Will you make that trade?" He looks sly.

"You mean, I have to be the last?"

"Take it or leave it."

"I heard them. Before she's grown? Please, I will take anything, if he can have most of it?"

"So now you are bargaining for him too? Do you really love him that much?"

"It's purple. His favorite color is purple. His favorite food is biscuits. He likes my darkness and I need his. He always wanted to take you fishing and that scar above his left eye is where you flung the pole back without looking and hooked him. His favorite time of day is three am and he likes pumpkin pie but not gooseberry. He never got to say goodbye to you and it makes him cry. He's going to be a wonderful father." This is gushing out of me desperately.

"Did you find home, sweetheart?"

I nod. I look back at the hospital room and see them laughing and grinning at the sleeping baby. "Right there, where ever those three exist. That's home. Thank you for sending him back, for her."

"No more games Katniss. If you drown in sorrow and despair, I will come for you."

My eyes widen. "Deal."

" In that case, you won't mind if I cancel our little rendezvous for a few years?" He crosses his arms and smirks at me.

"I'm not dying?"

He shakes his head and chuckles at me.

"You scared me to death." I reach up to swat his arm, and it passes through his body. I still smile in relief.

"Actually I didn't do that at all, did I?" He tilts his head a little in that familiar Abernathy way, "I just scared you out of the whole idea that darkness could ever scare light. Works the other way around, doesn't it? Remember."

**_"You can be shaped, or you can be broken. There is not much in between. Try to learn. Be coachable. Try to learn from everybody, especially those who fail. This is hard. ... How promising you are as a Student of the Game is a function of what you can pay attention to without running away."_**  
><strong><em>― David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest<em>**


	21. Chapter 21

MJCEpilogue

What became of us.

This huge life became normal too me so quickly. I couldn't blink that we were not rushing around to make our next event. Haymitch Abernathy, the first president of Freepanem, was beloved and held his office for twelve years.

He kept me knocked up a very good deal of that time. We paraded out little heard of seven to events all over the world. Of course we suspected that two of them were Peeta's but we publicly blamed the blond curls on my mother's side of the family. We knew and Peeta knew. All the children belonged to the three of us; it is just the way we are.

The only people who really know of our arrangement are those closest to us. Finnick Odair, who was busy raising his own fleet of pretty boys because Annie kept trying for a girl. Of course, Johanna figured it out. You can't keep things from her. She had gone to District Four just to visit, and never left.

She married one of Finn's Uncles, Wakefield Odair. Finnick takes great delight in calling her Auntie Jo. She hasn't killed him yet, but we know that she could change her mind any moment.

Finnick fishes these days. He built some crazy double keeled monstrosity that has changed the way people look at him. His boat is named the MockingJo after his two best friends. He is so proud of it and it just looks like a boat to me. I am embarrassed to say that it pleased me that he'd named her for Auntie Jo and me. It makes me feel like we three old soldiers will never quite stop being connected.

The Abernathy Horde is beautiful, just like Haymitch said they would be. Haymitch is the worst father in the history of Daddy antics. He teases them, spoils them and I honestly think he would kill himself before raising a hand to them. Peeta is almost as bad, but he likes to sit them down and calmly reason with them. Mommy does not have the ability to let them run wild. I yell.

Rue is the oldest and she is as bossy as her aunt Prim. I was right. The baby who went with me to take down the capitol and capture Snow, was a girl. I tell Haymitch she will be either the greatest human to ever live, or a drunken monster. When Haymitch held her the first time, he looked terrified of her. She got her bluff in early, and Daddy never recovered. He might be president, but she was his commander.

Haymitch Jr came along only eleven months later. He is my darling. He is his father, without the horrible cares and burdens. He makes everyone laugh and his sarcasm is as advanced as his father's but swings toward humor rather than criticism and bitterness.

The twins were born a little over a year after that during our second election campaign. We named them Thresh and Finnick, but they liked to cook and bake like their father. Peeta doesn't treat them any different from the others. When he looks at them, then at me, his thanks shines through, but it isn't that I gave him children alone. It is that I loved him even if he was a Mutt. It took him years to stop being afraid to be alone with me, but what we chose worked. Eventually, as his episodes faded, Peeta became a stronger version of that sweet boy who went into the arena twice, intending to lose.

After that we tried to take a break from the baby machine but the twins were just two when we discovered that baby Cinna was on the way. Three years went by and then Effie Rose bounced into our lives followed by our youngest, Maysillee.

They were a handful. I was so thankful for Cinna and Effie. They had no children. Ours became their life. Cinna had many surgeries that restored him to some degree. He looked more like himself again and he eventually left his chair behind thanks to the robotic device that allowed his brainwaves to bypass his spinal break.

We settled into the politics of Freepanem. Prim and Rory became doctors and then were married at the capitol. Rory specialized in micro-surgery and Prim became an obstetrician. She delivered Effie Rose and Maysillee.

My mother and I never really could be called close, but she loved her grandchildren and she and Prim were thick as thieves. They all were in District Four so that became our second or third home too. Mom did start a hospital there and I have to say that even if we never quite meshed, I was very proud of her. She ran to a schedule that made even my head spin. She never married again but she did keep a picture of my Daddy and next to it one of Mr. Mellark on her desk. She refused to explain the presence of Peeta's father sitting among her family, but I think I know.

Life was so perfect. I could never have dreamed of more. I watched the world become a better place and I knew that maybe I had paid my debt to the universe for those lost in my war. I had changed something after all. I had played well.

I nearly fell apart as I watched the presidential hovercraft crash in the Rocky Mountains only twenty minutes into the flight. I couldn't breathe as I watched my husband disappear in a ball of orange flame. The investigation showed pilot error. Haymitch had used his position to talk them into letting him drive. Later we found that his controls had been sabotaged.

We had all meant to be on the flight but Haymitch insisted at the last minute that we should stay home and celebrate Effie Rose's fifth birthday and let her namesake go wild with party plans. He promised he would be back in time to blow out her candles. It was only the second promise he'd ever broken to me.

It had taken a long time for Effie Trinket to really forgive me for marrying Haymitch. She did include me at her wedding. It wasn't like she could not invite me beings it was Haymitch who would walk her down the aisle and hand the bride to Cinna. She and Cinna held me together until Peeta arrived to let me fall apart in his arms.

Finnick Odair arrives in hours with his leathery skin and his calloused fisherman's hands and props me up with the words I needed to hear. He told me I had made Haymitch the happiest man in the universe and I had to live up to that by staying focused. I played the part of strong young widow and though I had barely turned thirty, I felt as old as Greasy Sae.

Peeta understood all the nights I lay in his arms beyond tears and beyond death. But he stayed by my side and helped deal with the very public and elaborate ceremonies demanded by the tragic death of a national hero. I couldn't turn around that a picture or statue of Haymitch didn't smile at me and whisper that word to me that melted my soul with its sarcastic adoration.

Sweetheart.

Peeta caught me drinking and watching the hover craft slam into the mountain. The sound of the voice recorder was spliced into the footage and I could hear Haymitch crackling in the background "Oh god Katniss, I love you, Sweetheart.."

It was the last thing he'd said in this life. I knew what I was doing. I knew I was replaying it seeking insanity. I never did this in front of anyone. I was drinking a lot by then and I had played this vision a thousand times or more by the time Peeta caught me.

He turned the screen off. I didn't react or apologize. I finished my bottle and passed out sitting on the couch. When I woke up the next morning all my copies of the footage were missing. I had a new copy by the next night. This continued for a few rounds.

Peeta sat next to me finally and watched me flick the eighty seconds of footage again and again. I drank, stoic and aloof as my mentor had ever been.

"I don't know how to save you now, Katniss. He's not here to explain you to me this time. You're going to have to do it. Why are you doing this? It's like looking back fifteen years and seeing him instead of you. It is just all I can do not to laugh or cry. He would hate me for letting you slip away like this. I will call Finnick back if it will help."

"I can't help it Peeta. There is no help. In my brain every day he's dead feels like longer than we were together. I feel like the games have taken me back. I feel like I will wake up and be back there again and all of this was just a dream from the Trackerjackers. I will wake up and you will be with the careers and I will find out that you threw the spear and everything after was just a death dream. A glimmer of a dying imagination. It all went so fast Peeta. There wasn't enough time. Eighty seconds and I have to keep telling myself, that they are real. Nothing else is real."

He leaned over and kissed me. "Does that feel real, Katniss?"

"Yes." I looked at him and smiled a little.

"I love you Katniss. I have loved you since I was a little boy. Does that feel real or not real?"

I lean on him and sigh. "Real" I took his hand and felt better. He would hold on to me and get me through it all.

He kisses my head and squeezes my hand. "Good. Then we start there. Because, I can't raise all our children without you."

"Peeta. Do you think he suffered?"

"I think he's suffering now." Peeta's blue eyes sparkle with tears.

"Peeta..." I hiss in anger.

"Katniss. Where ever he is, he feels you. Send him love, but don't send him sorrow. Don't make me face him someday, knowing I failed you. Let me help you. He was always five steps ahead of everyone else. If you don't think he's watching over us this minute, then you are underestimating him."

"Then he knows how mad I am at him right now?"

Peeta grinned. "I don't think he was ever happy if you weren't."

I lean back on his chest, laughing that he's probably right. "Say it for me Peeta."

"Katniss, I can't..."

"Please, I need to hear it." My voice is a whisper.

"I love you… Sweetheart."

*********************************8

My dress is orange, the color of sunset. In the meadow of District Twelve a crowd gathers. It is a small wedding. Only a few hundred people were there. It was tiny compared to things that took place in the capital. Peeta stood down by the arch, waiting for his bride. I walked alone down the aisle except for the tiny life I secretly knew stirred inside of me. My seven children marched down the aisle ahead of me like little stepping stones leading my heart.

I took a step and shuddered as I felt his touch on my back. Nobody could see him but I knew he was there. His touch was familiar and he held me steady as I took another step and then another. In my ear I could feel the hiss of the static though I hadn't worn the earpiece in years. Distantly, intimately, I heard his voice.

" I always knew you would save that boy. I counted on it. I told you once he would rescue you from my evil clutches. He gave you to me for safekeeping and I am retuning you, with all my love and blessings. I always sent you what you needed, Sweetheart."

I look up at him and see him smile. I place my hand on the one touching my arm and whisper. "You always did. Every time. Love you, Haymitch."

Annie has covered her mouth in astonishment and Finnick is holding on to Peeta. Some could see him and there were anomalies in the footage that were inexplicable.

Peeta smiled as he slipped the second band on my finger to his whispered I do. My first band stayed in place and his guarded it. He was our protector and my reservations about a second public marriage were finally gone. I looked down at my hand that now possessed a new ring with a pearl setting. We had passed through the fire and won this quiet peaceful love.

Peeta and I raised children and they never questioned or resented him, because he had always been there. He decided to run for president, then suddenly withdrew. He never explained why and I was actually thankful for his decision. Our children took their places in life, most leaning to Politics and Peeta was involved even though he didn't play. He guided many hearts to do what was right and I liked my more private quiet role in the world. I never would be able to stay out of controversy. I was not made that way.

My last child was born seven months after my wedding. Prim flew to district Twelve and I gave birth privately in our lakeside cabin. I was nervous for some reason as the days passed waiting. The date was eating at me. I spent many hours next to the stone monuments that marked the resting place of Gale and Haymitch.

I walked in the woods every day as we waited and I felt someone there. I would turn to a specific sound and expect Gale or Haymitch to come ambling out from behind a tree. After seeing Haymitch so clearly, I admit that I hoped it would happen. He didn't show himself. I never saw Gale, but I knew he was around.

Three years to the day that Haymitch left us, we welcomed Jaymee Gale into the world.

Peeta held his daughter for the first time and laughed. "She might has well have arrived with a silver parachute attached. Don't you see, Katniss; we have to celebrate this day now. He's still with us, watching over us, like in the games. Just like he walked you down the aisle." he said with a knowing smile.

In my ear, a whisper. "Yes, Sweetheart."

"I feel like Gale is here too." I admit softly.

When I am up and around, I take the baby to Gale's grave. It is late in the afternoon and the light is magical and touches every leaf with sweetness. I want to tell him I never forgot him and named my baby for him. I stop as I see the weeds gone rampant on his grave.

"What is that? Is it mint, Katniss?" Peeta frowns looking at the two foot tall green blanket that has appeared in just days.

"It's. Peeta, it's…Catnip." I smile and listen carefully for him as the breeze suddenly whispers through the treetops. Her little grey eyes pop open for a second as if something cold has touched her face.

The sun burned bright orange in dusky peace as all the fire cooled and I suddenly understood that even the darkness I had fought for so long was only a gentle reminder, that even if the day is too hot, there is hope in the equable promise of the night.

"That everything is on fire, slow fire, and we're all less than a million breaths away from an oblivion more total than we can even bring ourselves to even try to imagine..."  
>― David Foster Wallace, <em>The Pale King<em>

The end….

* * *

><p>Ok, once again I do realize that the pairing is iffy – but it is not that farfetched that one or both of them could at some point develop feelings beyond plain friendship, affection, and kindness - those things are all elements of love and true love, deep love does not have to ever be acted upon to exist. Sometimes true love does find physical expression.<p>

Some of you may recognize the many Grail themes that play here.

Haymitch – The maimed king. The old one unable to live or die.( Pelles) – or seen in some more modern versions the old Arthur – losing his faith and letting his kingdom fall in betrayals and possessive sorrow. In this story, I let the kingdom redeem itself. I don't let Haymitch fall into the bitter possessive sorrow the most popular version of Arthur did. He never abandons the warrior goddess to rumor and self-doubt, he hands her his soul without demand.

Peeta – The young innocent Greylion(the lion of wisdom in old English) – (Garlon) The builder of the city of Y's betrayed and tragic. (In the new versions – the youthful hope of Arthur. Bread is the symbol of life. Pearls equal the pure of heart. The true Grail King – who loved too deeply and survived his kingdom disappearing beneath the waves.

Finnick – the Fisher King of course –(Pellinor, brother to Greylion) but also the Balin figure, the knight of two swords. He who waits. He who represents the struggle of the new way and the old. The Truth vs. Myth.

Gale – The Lancelot figure who would bring about the fall of the kingdom, for all the right reasons and all the selfish ones of the heart. Romantic, wild – Power, danger and battle – wrapped in a tragic package.

Katniss – the warrior queen – the Geneviève, the Gwen. Purity, innocence, darkness all wrapped up in something that can't be explained – the Magdalene in the Christian romances.

For those who have wondered, why I picked a chameleon to represent Haymitch, it was because he could transform. He hid within the bright colors of evil, never quite becoming part of it, while seeming to on the outside.

I hope you enjoyed my little tale – thank you for your time. Please review.


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